Endorsements Nussle Would Like to Keep in the Closet

‘Tis the season of political endorsements as newspaper editorial boards across Iowa endorse who they think will make the best governor. Much like his budgetary overspending habits, Jim cannot always control who will endorse him for the next governor of Iowa. Granted, Jim has received a few endorsements from liberal media outlets, which ironically, he proudly promotes on his campaign website. This past Sunday morning I heard Jim yelling up the stairs at the break of dawn, “Come look, Karen. Some of Iowa’s newspapers actually endorsed me. I told you they like me. See Karen, I told you so. Some people in Iowa do like me…”

What the mainstream doesn’t know about are all the closet endorsements Jim has kept under lock and key, much like yours truly and Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats. With only eight days left until the election, I decided the time was ripe for endorsing a “Coming-Out Party”:

9/27/06
Iowa Bigots for Whiter Pastures Endorse Nussle: IBWP President, Bernard Preston, announced at the 15th annual White Bean Chile and Cracker Festival -- a fundraiser promoting homogenous awareness -- that it was endorsing Jim Nussle for Iowa’s next Governor. Preston said, “Nussle has a solid track record in preserving Iowa’s status as one of the whitest states in the nation. His passion for preserving our rich white heritage in Iowa speaks for itself.” Preston cited Nussle’s strong stance against illegal immigrants, his support for English Only initiatives, his role as Budget Chair in helping cut and under-fund minority recruitment and retention programs, and his congressional record of helping export jobs -- jobs traditionally held by minorities in Iowa -- to minorities located in other countries. Preston fired up his fellow bigots with a Fire and Brimstone finale, “Iowa is God’s country, and I for one will be damned if I’m going to let God’s country be overrun by minorities. We used to be the whitest nation in the country, but thanks to Satan’s little helper, the current Democratic governor, our white supremacy has slipped a couple of notches. With Nussle as our Governor, we can recapture our whiteness, creating lily-white fields of opportunity for the future of our lily-white children.”

10/3/06
Reformed Adulterers Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage Calls Nussle “Our Kind of Candidate”: A group comprised of former adulterers, adultery sympathizers, and friends who let friends commit adultery, joined forces at an Adultery Anonymous retreat in Northwest Iowa and privately endorsed Jim Nussle for Governor. In order to protect their Republican political aspirations, group members wished to remain anonymous, but the group did anonymously release the following statement: “Having committed the sin of adultery, we know that only one of our brethren can truly protect the sanctity of marriage, and this is why we’re endorsing Jim Nussle for Governor. Jim’s seen the dark side and weathered the political repercussions of committing adultery. Not only did Jim shake hands with the devil, but he managed to get elected to Congress despite his Satanic Two-Step. Anyone who can survive this feat unblemished -- without having a Scarlet Letter ‘A’ tattooed on his forehead -- is our kind of candidate.”

10/15/06
Pro-Lifers for Capital Punishment & Zero Population Supporters Unite to Endorse Jim Nussle: Citing Jim Nussle’s ninth and final stance on abortion -- which calls for “no exceptions for abortion, even if it means protecting the life of the mother” -- PLCP and ZP joined forces to endorse Nussle for Iowa Governor. “The Life we save today, may be the life we take tomorrow,” said PLCP spokesman, Butch Roberts. “When you look at the big picture or the bottom line, outlawing abortion while simultaneously enacting the death penalty will one day balance everything out. Better yet, if the mother is sacrificed during the birthing process, we can call it a draw. It’s this logic that has convince the ZP supporters to join us and help fight for our mutual cause.”

10/18/06
Republicans for the Secession of Western Iowa Endorses Nussle: Jim Nussle received an endorsement from a grassroots organization behind a Western Iowa movement to secede from the Eastern portion of Iowa and create its own sovereign state. As part of the split, the group wants to erect a fence all along the border to help keep Liberals from infiltrating and spreading their cancerous ways into the main stream of the western populace. “With one of our very own, Bob Vander Plaats, at Nussle’s side, our dream of becoming a self-governed Republican state is one step closer to becoming a long-overdue reality,” said Luke Smith, the organization's founder and chief spokesperson. “We especially like Jim’s ‘catch and deport’ strategy and hope to adopt it as a means of deporting Western Iowa Liberals who are currently seeking political amnesty.”

Iowa State Congressional Representative and advocate for the secession of Western Iowa displays a prototype of fence his group plans to use when secession of Western Iowa is complete

Nussle: “Honey, I Shrunk Our Inner-Circle”

It was only a matter of time before Jim squeezed yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, out of his incredibly-shrinking circle. First he squeezed out his running mate and poster boy for the Christian Right, Bob Vander Plaats, who has been quarantined to Western Iowa for the most part. Every once in awhile Jim lets the Gimp out of the basement, but after Bob’s public endorsement of teaching Intelligent Design in the classroom in Ames, the Gimp may not see any more daylight east of Highway 71. Back to the basement, Gimp!

Bob Vader Plaats (right) and his handler, Political Zed (left), warn Iowa voters that they'll be coming to a political theater near you

Next, in order to keep his political life sustainable, Jim chose to squeeze out his adoptive father, George W. Bush. Jim had no problem pimping George out in April for a $1 million dollars in campaign seed money, but he had no time for George during his recent stump for Dave Lamberti in Des Moines.

Through all of this, I’ve been loyal to Jim, but I can no longer remain silent and wait for Jim to listen to me, his inner voice. I thought my unauthorized blog would catch Jim’s attention, but he’s been too busy trying to dig up dirt about Chet’s “secret plan.” Jim left me no other choice but to call it quits, and I submitted my two weeks notice last Thursday. This will carry me through Election Day and the first two days of the post-election grieving process, but after that I’m returning home to D.C. -- with or without Jim.

I’ve enclosed a copy of my letter to Jim:

Dearest Jim,

It is with deep regret that I, Jimmy the Hustler, hereby rescind my services as your inner hustler and loyal campaigner for your gubernatorial bid in Iowa. I can no longer be ignored and play second fiddle to you and your self-proclaimed Pride. The Iowa voters are onto your hustle, namely because you wouldn’t heed my advice as you found yourself torn between playing political games and kowtowing to the Christian Right, teetering to the latter in hopes of inspiring your base.

As the campaign continues to unravel during the final stretch, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, Jim. Unlike the Iowa voters, I do know that it’s hard out there for a pimp. I’m looking forward to heading back to D.C. to join our fellow political players as we pave the road for our next career as political lobbyists. You and I know that the revolving door on Corporate Hill pays handsome dividends, and I look forward to working the congressional stable of pimps from the outside.

I only hope that this experience in Iowa will help humble you and give you the opportunity to embrace, rather than ignore and deny, your inner-pimp. I’m excited about our future partnership and rekindling of our hustling relationship.

Yours truly,

Jimmy

Nussle Gambles on TouchPlay Gambit

In case you haven’t heard, Mister Anti-Gambling himself, Jim Nussle, took a gamble during the final gubernatorial debate, accusing his opponent of having a secret plan to reinstate TouchPlay lottery machines if he is elected governor: “There’s either a secret plan out there to either reinstate TouchPlay or, for that matter, for a secret settlement.” My boy Jim has no hard evidence to support his claim, other than Culver received campaign contributions from key TouchPlay players who used to give money to us.

I knew something was amiss the night before the debate when I heard Jim tossing and turning and hissing in his sleep, “They’re thieves! They’re filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precisoussssssss. Curse them! We hates them! It’s ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Democrats. Wicked, trickssssssssy, falssssssse!”

Later in the debate, Jim said “…if you follow the money, you’ll get your answer.” Don’t tempt me, Jimbo. You know Jimmy lovessssss the ssssssmell of money and can ssssniff out a trail of ssssssurplus money faster than the House Budget Committee can re-appropriate it in a frantic midnight-hour pork barrel session.

Unlike Jim, me loves to gamble, preciousssss…. I slithered my way into the money pit and sniffed out some interesting tidbits, but Jimmy can’t tell you about my precious, dear Reader. Me wants to indulge in Internet gambling and take bets on Chet’s Secret Plan. Jimmy the Hussssssssssssstler give odds on what Chet’s hiding from usssssssssssss:

100 to 1: Chet made deal with Osama bin Laden, who plans on buying the discontinued TouchPlay machines and equipping every cave in Pakistan with the "money-making machines."

20 to 1: Donate the TouchPlay machines to public schools, where they’ll be used as math manipulatives to help give Iowa’s children a jumpstart on their World Class Education.

15 to 1: Replace all of the voting machines in Iowa with TouchPlay machines, with the hope of reinvigorating the voting process and increasing transparency by creating a paper trail.

5 to 1: Ship all the discontinued TouchPlay machines off to Capital Hill and use the revenue to help replenish the National Debt accrued during the past six years.

2 to 1: Chet has no secret plan, sssssssssssssssucker…

Nussle Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Endorsement

Endorsements? I don't need yo' stinkin' endorsement!

In the game of touting political endorsements, like a true hustler, it looks like Jim played his hand in yesterday’s gubernatorial debate sponsored by “The Des Moines Register,” sacrificing any chances of receiving the Des Moines Register’s endorsement next Sunday. When prompted by his opponent to re-read his comments from a recent interview in the Register, the Jimster smugly responded: “Reading the Des Moines Register once a day is enough for me.” This comment prompted some “boos” from the audience as the moderator, Des Moines Register Editor Carolyn Washburn, attempted to restrain herself, storing the comment away for future use while attempting to push the debate forward.

Now, every hustler knows, assuming they’ve read The Idiot’s Guide to Hustlin’ and has “Hustlin’ Leadership Experience,” that the first rule of hustlin’ is to know who you’re hustling. In this case, Jim already knows he’s not going to get the Register’s endorsement, a byproduct of the Liberal Media,* so it’s up to Jim to shift the focus of the hustle. In this case, Jim’s focusing on the Register’s readership, primarily his right-wing base whose disgust with recent Republican political scandals may keep them from voting come Election Day. In essence, Jim’s taking a pre-emptive strike at the Register, so when they do come out endorsing Culver, his attack dog, Nick Ryan, will release a response indicating that “The Nussle Campaign is not surprised about the endorsement, especially since it comes form the liberal press, thus perpetuating the liberal stronghold on the media…”

Jim took a stab at his host as a means of proactively undermining their credibility -- on their own turf mind you. Now that takes leadership!

*Liberal media: owned by a handful of rich, conservative, white guys and their fleet of shareholders who paradoxically push a liberal agenda to help boost conservative readership? (That’s some mighty fine Hustlin’!)

Poll: Nussle Closing Gap on Vilsack

It came as no surprise to yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, when a recent poll conducted by “The Des Moines Register” showed that 15 % of Nussle supporters would choose Tom Vilsack as our next governor if his name were on the November 7th ballot.

In an attempt to suppress Me and his 16-year congressional record, it appears Jim’s diagnosed condition, “Chronic Selective Amnesia” (a psychosomatic effect of his previously diagnosed “Post Uncontested Primary Traumatic Stress Disorder”), has reared it’s ugly head during the final election push.

What the poll fails to indicate is that Nussle has narrowed the margin and is actually closing the “loyalty gap” with his faithful supporters. Internal polls show a 7% decline since September for those same Nussle supporters who would choose Vilsack over Nussle. This shift is namely due to Jim’s aggressive campaigning against Vilsack in recent stump speeches and televised debates, not to mention stepping up his “Anybody But Vilsack” efforts. Sales of “Anybody but Vilsack” t-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee mugs, and stained-glass window sets, have nearly tripled over the last three weeks. Cha-ching!

Despite Vilsack’s self-imposed term limit, Jim is determined to beat Vilsack come November, doing his part in helping send the two-term Governor off to Washington, D.C. This is the first time I’ve seen Jim truly enjoying himself during his gubernatorial bid, and I’ll be Jim damned if I’m going to be the one to remind him that he’s running against Culver, not Vilsack.

Pride (In the Name of Nussle)

One man come in the name of lust
One man come and go
One man come, he to justify
One man to overthrow…

The following excerpt comes from Subliminal Jimmy’s transcript of the Brown and Black Debate held on October 12th, 2006 in Des Moines:

Moderator Question: What decision have you made in your life that you regret most? And if you had it to do it over, how would you do it differently?

Nussle: I was hoping it was a multiple choice question…

a) Wearing a paper bag on my head on the House floor to protest the “shameful” ethical behavior involved in the House banking scandal
b) Making Newt Gingrich my role model
c) Committing adultery while running on a Family Values Agenda
d) Both b) and c)
e) All of the Above...

There are so many that are coming to mind…

So many sins, so little time…pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, sloth, what to choose…don’t say pride, Jim…whatever you do don’t say pride, everyone knows pride is the gateway sin – the sin that opens Satan’s doors to all other sins and is the slippery slope sin to hell…please, Jim, I’m begging you not to say pride, anything but pride…

Probably the sin of pride is the one I would point to the most…

Damn it Jim, you had two minutes to think over your answer and the best you could come up with is pride? I told you not to say pride. When will you start trusting me? It’s me Jimmy, the man who helped successfully hustle you into office in ’96 despite the scarlet letter “A” branded on your forehead. Is it your pride that keeps me silent?...

The most important rule of politics is that it’s the art of the possible and not the art of the perfect.

Thank God…

As soon as we make the decision, we know it’s not perfect…

Speak for yourself, Jim, speak for yourself…

The sin of pride, thinking that you know everything, thinking that you’ve heard everything, thinking that you’ve thought through everything is probably the sin I commit most often.

Amen…

I suppose the fact that I know that will help make sure that I improve that. I know that is one I can see in myself.

What’s that supposed to mean, Jim? Are you pointing fingers at yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler? I’ll be damned; you know it’s hard out here for a pimp…

W.W.J.D.? Speaking of Nussle’s Faith…

I knew Jim was fated for a long ride in politics when he “cemented his relationship with Jesus Christ.” I was worried when Jim first cemented his “Contract with Jesus,” knowing that when a politician takes the moral high ground, there’s only that much more distance to fall. Fortunately, Jim had his prosecutor career to fall back on, thus providing him with enough foresight to add a “Forgiveness Clause” (or what Jim calls “The Pay It Forward Clause;” or what I call “The Sin Now & Pay Later Clause”).

Similar to his adopted father, George W. Bush, Jim turned his life over to Jesus Christ, and it appears we’ve all reaped the benefits of their trickle-down morality. I know when I’m trapped in a moral quagmire, I will always find solace, knowing my trusty W.W.J.D.? bracelet is close by. I often find myself engulfed in moments of silence, pontificating, and asking myself “What Would Jim Do?”

With the November campaign closing in, I found myself asking this question more and more, and I would like to share the results of my meditations with you, dear Reader. For reasons of accountability, I’ve run the same scenarios by Jesus as a means of providing a standardized norm to help accurately measure Jim’s actions. (Note: the results have a 95% confidence interval - the 5% differential to help account for human frailties, divine hypocrisies, and inherent political contradictions).

1. Public Prayer and/or School Prayer:

What Would Jesus Do?: Neither one. "When you pray, be not like the pretenders, who prefer to pray in the synagogues and in the public square, in the sight of others. In truth I tell you, that is all the profit they will have. But you, when you pray, go into your inner chamber and, locking the door, pray there in hiding to your Father, and your Father who sees you in hiding will reward you" (Matthew 6:5-6).

What Would Jim Do?: Pass legislation that would allow students time to pray in school in lieu of recess, require all public building in the state of Iowa to be “Prayer Accessible” or risk losing public funding – namely county highway funds

2. Display of 10 Commandments in Public Buildings

What Would Jesus Do?: He wouldn’t, but rather, Jesus would memorize them and actually live by them. Besides, the very act of doing this is in direct violation of two of the Commandments, you know, the ones about “not erecting ‘idols’ in the likeness of created things and worshipping them,” and “never taking the name of God in vain – pointless or insincere oath.”

What Would Jim Do?: Not only post The Nine Commandments* in every public building, but would erect displays in public restrooms in stalls and above urinals -- to help remind Iowans what thou shouldn’t be doing whenever they’re not relieving themselves.

*The Sixth Commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” has been deleted, thus preserving Jim’s credibility as Iowa’s “Chosen One.”

3. Treatment of Illegal Immigrants in Iowa

What Would Jesus Do?: "Whenever you did these things to the lowliest of my brothers, you were doing it to me" (Matthew 25:40).

What Would Jim Do?: Catch and deport them

4. Capital Punishment

What Would Jesus Do?: Granted, the Old Testament law commanded the death penalty for various acts: murder (Exodus 21:12), kidnapping (Exodus 21:16), bestiality (Exodus 22:19); adultery (Leviticus 20:10); homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13), being a false prophet (Deuteronomy 13:5), prostitution (Leviticus 21:9) and rape (Deuteronomy 22:24-25), and several other crimes, but fortunately for Jim (see Leviticus 20:10) Jesus is a little more forgiving. When the Pharisees brought a woman who was caught in the act of adultery to Jesus and asked Him if she should be stoned, Jesus replied, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). Whew, that was close, eh Jim? So it looks like Jesus would support capital punishment, only it would have to be implemented by someone who has never sinned before, meaning nobody.

What Would Jim Do?: Reinstate the Death Penalty in Iowa. Although, Jim does go on record saying, “I believe the death penalty should be an option for judges and juries in Iowa, in particular for heinous crimes involving felony murder. That’s where I believe we should head,” thus protecting his fellow adulterers and false prophets.

5. Campaign Finance

What Would Jesus Do?: First, Jesus would never run for a political office, so I had to hypothesize what he would do. Upon entering the political temples, Jesus would take the floor and decry, “My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. But you have made it a den of thieves!” In a subsequent rage, Jesus would overturn all of the tables in the House until subdued by the authorities and imprisoned indefinitely.

What Would Jim Do?: Show me the Money!!!

This blog entry was paid for by S.E.J.F.C.S. (Stop Exploiting Jesus for Christ’s Sake)

Nussle’s “Political Fight Club Rules”

You’d be surprised what one can find when rummaging through a politician’s waste paper basket, recycling bin, or files marked “Top Secret.” If only the custodial staffers could talk, or in some cases speak English, I can ONLY imagine all of the dirt they could feed the media. And Jim wants all these folks either speaking only English or deported? If these jobs fall into the wrong hands, who knows what damaging documents will leak to the press. For example, just the other day, when I was innocently rummaging through Jim’s trash (note: Jim doesn’t have a recycle bin), I found a stack of discarded memos.

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Jim Nussle’s Positive Offensive Campaign Strategy

To: All Nussle Campaign Staffers

From: Above

Date: Friday, October 6th, 2006

Re: The Nussle Advantage: Political Fight Club Rules

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1st RULE: You do not talk about POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB.

3rd RULE: If someone says “Economic Freedom Fund,” goes limp, or has to resort to calling the opposing fighter a Communist, the fight is over.

4th RULE: Only the campaign manager and staffers will engage in Political Fight Club. Any comments that may be construed as ironic, hypocritical, or negative must not be linked to the gubernatorial candidate. Political “sucker punches” are not only allowed, but strongly encouraged.

Example: “Last night Iowans across Iowa saw firsthand the choice in the race for Governor is clear. It's a choice between Jim Nussle's experienced leadership, positive vision and principled solutions or Chet Culver's incompetence and inconsistencies packaged inside negative, partisan attacks.” (Nick Ryan, Campaign Manager)

5th RULE: A Political Fight Club round ends when all negative blows, ironic brow beatings, barrages of hypocritical jabs have been delivered, and the Political Fight Club staffer states “Jim’s positive vision to energize Iowa’s future.”

Example: “With just 35 days to go, this race is still very close, but we are confident the Nussle-Vander Plaats positive vision to Energize Iowa's Future is working.” (Nick Ryan, Campaign Manager)

6th RULE: No teleprompters, cue cards, or political clichés.

7th RULE: Regardless of public perceptions, political fights will go on as long as they have to or until November 7th, whichever should come first.

8th RULE: If this is your first night at POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight. Once you step into the ring and go NEGATIVE, there’s no turning back.

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Gubernatorial Debate Blog (Tape Delayed)

(Note: I tried to blog the debate as accurately as possible, but since I was at the debate, I couldn’t record my thoughts live, not to mention I nodded off during a few of the questions – no thanks to the double dose of meds Jim took in a futile attempt to silence me.)

Why focus on attacking your opponent instead of focusing on issues?

“Freedom is not free.” Yes, we already know this Jim. That’s why your adoptive father, George W., gave you his credit card with no limit. Now answer the question, before your non-opening statement starts looking like just that, an opening statement. What’s this, a moment of silence in a political debate? Great ploy, using dead soldiers to gain political points. Exploiting our fallen soldiers should bode well with your Hawk constituents. Nice touch, Jim. Hopefully nobody noticed you didn’t answer the question. Oh wait a minute, Bruce Aune did, and it looks like he’s giving you a do-over. Count your blessings this isn’t high-stake standardized testing, where there are no do-overs. Better yet, let me count them.

What is your position on abortion?

Which position is it going to be, Jim? Huh, Jim? Inquiring minds want to know. Will it be the first stance or the seventh, or will you choose one in between. And the Christian Right survey says…. “Move from the current law of Parental Notification to Parental Consent?” Where did this stance come from? Obviously not Right field. (Pause for collective Christian Right to regain consciousness.) So now you do support abortion, only teenagers need to get parental consent? Ladies and gentlemen, the Eighth Stance: “I want to protect the unborn child by requiring pregnant teenagers to get permission slips from their parents to have an abortion.” I can see Bob seething now, smoke coming out of his ears, fuming over this public betrayal. And I thought you had learned to love the Christian Right, Jim.

What tax policies would you propose and why?

Newsflash: Iowa seniors are leaving the state in search of greener tax relief pasture; the extreme weather conditions have nothing to do with Senior Flight. I repeat, the weather is not to blame for Iowa Senior Citizens fleeing our state en masse and emigrating to Arizona and Florida.

What would you do with the state road use tax fund?

Use it to build a yellow brick road between Des Moines and Manchester? Talking Heads “We’re on a Road to Nowhere…” plays in my head… Oh yeah, what were you going to do, Jim? Sorry, it must be my meds; I completely lost track of what you were saying.

How will you combat the rising cost of higher education?

“We need to connect our young people to the jobs…they have to be able to connect the education to an actual job in Iowa…” (uses hands gestures to help explain this connection, illustrating how to make and compact a snowball) Actual jobs in Iowa, assuming, of course, they haven’t been outsourced by the time our kids graduate from high school or college, eh Jim? So what degree track does one connect with a politician, or a hustler -- but I repeat myself?

How do you plan on providing all Iowans access to quality and affordable health care? And how do you plan on paying for it?

Access in rural areas is important. “Every mile is a minute…” – assuming of course rural Iowans only drive five miles over the speed limit while speeding their loved ones to the emergency room. So how are we going to pay for this, Jim? May I humbly suggest you retract your plan to stop Senior Flight. Let the seniors flee, and this will help bring down Iowa’s collective health premium base, thus making it cheaper for the remaining Iowans. “We are suing our doctors and health care professionals out of those rural areas, making it difficult for them to compete, making it difficult for them to locate there…” Oh yeah, Jim. Good set up, I can smell the GOP talking point coming; lay it on ‘em Jimbo…“I would limit liability and cap punitive damages in Iowa..” Jackpot! Move over trial lawyers, there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s gonna pop a cap in your wallets. Not to mention this will be incentive for Big Business to set up shop in the Heartland, knowing they can reinstitute the liability/bottom-line cost formula used in the days before the Ford Pinto fiasco. To recall or not to recall? That is the bottom line question. Maybe next time, eh Firestone?

How will you attract young people to Iowa?

Sorry folks, all I could think of was having cake and eating it too.

Why mess with Vision Iowa if it is working?

“All icing, all frosting, no cake…” Damn it, Jim. I’m a hustler, not an English major. Quit mixing metaphors that make me hungry. All I can think about is cake, not your damn economic vision.

Do the sex offender laws put our children at greater risk?

“I prosecuted people like Mark Foley, when I was a prosecutor in Manchester Iowa…” WTF!? Manchester has tenured senators who sexually harass teenage pages by text messaging them and asking them if they get horny knowing he’s masturbating while simultaneously messaging them? That does it Jim, I’ll be damned if I’m moving back to Manchester. Regardless of what happens in November, I’m staying put in D.C., where at least, despite what Representative Steve King says, I know it’s safer than the streets of Bahgdad, and quite possibly Manchester.

What is your slogan for Iowa?

“Education Destination”: I can see it now while driving into Iowa a year from now: a big billboard welcoming me, “Welcome to Iowa, Your Education Destination, Home of the Amazonian Rainforest and Birthplace of Standardized Testing.” Isn’t learning grand?

What is your position on anti-bullying legislation?

That’s it Jim, draw from your past and support anti-bullying for everyone, not just.. “carving out a special exception for persuasion, sexual persuasion…?” By “sexual persuasion,” do you mean homosexuals, Jim? When I merge sex and persuasion, all I can think of is your persuasive prowess of seducing Karen back in D.C. when you were still married. Now that took some sexual persuasion. Is there something you’re not telling me, Jim?

What is your position on gay marriage?

Do you mean Sexual Persuasion Marriage? If so, I’m sure Jim’s all for it, eh Jim? “We must protect all classes of children, not just one particular class.” You lost me, Jim. So how are gay marriage and bullying related? And by class, do you mean homosexuals. If so, homosexuality is its own distinct class now? If so, what’s the monetary cut off in determining who’s gay and who’s not? Better yet, if you’re elected Governor of Iowa, will the raise in pay push us into the Gay or the Sexually Persuasive Class?

What is your position on teacher pay? How high is high enough?

Teachers are running away from paper work? By paper work, do you mean the increased paper work mandated by the NCLB Act? You’re losing me Jim. Is it 8 0’clock yet?

What is your position on overcrowded prisons?

Bring back the death penalty; this should ease the overcrowding.

What is your position on stem cell research?

Just say no to embryos.

Who is your hero, and why?

Say it Jim. Who’s your daddy? George Dubya. You can say it, Jim. “It’s my dad.” Oh, your other dad. So close, Jim, but so far. Maybe when George’s approval ratings rise, you can come back out of the closet and embrace your adoptive father, mentor, and role model for quality leadership and energizing Iowa’s future…

The Unofficial Gubernatorial Debate Drinking Game:

For those of you, like me, who anticipate finding yourselves sedated by stump-speech sound bytes and hunger for something to help keep you entertained during the debate, I’ve concocted a drinking game to help liven up your spirits.

Buzz Words: Take ONE drink every time Jim says:

energize, future, positive

Bigger Buzz Word & Phrases: Take multiple drinks (to be determined by players before debate begins) every time Jim says:

leadership, accountability, my plan, quality of life (double bonus if states “stronger quality of life”), Iowa values, energizing Iowa's future

Buzz Retorts: Drink one entire serving and/or smash a can against your forehead every time Jim retorts with any of the following:

“Unlike my opponent, I have a plan…”

“While my opponent wants to focus on the past, I look forward to energizing Iowa's future…”

“I know you are, but what am I…”

Nussle’s Pre-Debate “To-Do” List

The moment of Truth has come as Iowans from all five corners of the state gather around their idiot boxes to watch this evening’s debate between Jim Nussle and Chet Culver. The debates about the debates have finally subsided. Jim has been running around within his inner-circle preparing for the debate, checking items off his to-do list as he prances about. To help emphasize the import of the pre-debate process, I’ve included a copy of Jim’s to-do list, aptly titled:

Much Adieu about Nothing

___ Dust off George W. Bush Bobble-Head collection for good luck

___ Watch clips from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome for divine inspiration, followed by a ritualistic chanting of “Two Men Enter, One Man Leave…” over and over to help find inner peace

___ Rehearse non-verbal cues that create the illusion of actually caring; primary focus will be extended to facial expressions that express empathy, genuine concern, compassion, and aloof disdain – the same expressions used to seduce second wife, Karen

___ Self-induced mental enema of the past, namely 16-year congressional record

___ Practice “Duck and Cover” diversion strategy in front of the mirror while reciting eternal question:

Jim: “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest hustler of them all?”

Mirror: “Why you dear Jim are one of the finest hustlers in the land,
But there’s someone even lower, ergo Jimmy the Hustler,
Whose forked tongue makes him a liability to apprehend.”

___ Take double-dose of prescription medications to help silence Jimmy the Hustler (No worries, faithful Reader, I'll merely pretend to swallow)

___ Put in shoe inserts, thus averting any potential Napoleon-complex analysis in post-debate spin cycle

___ Listen to Stuart Smalley inspiration tapes, pretending Karl Rove plays Stuart Smalley instead of the brow-beating liberal Al Franken