Gubernatorial Debate Blog (Tape Delayed)

(Note: I tried to blog the debate as accurately as possible, but since I was at the debate, I couldn’t record my thoughts live, not to mention I nodded off during a few of the questions – no thanks to the double dose of meds Jim took in a futile attempt to silence me.)

Why focus on attacking your opponent instead of focusing on issues?

“Freedom is not free.” Yes, we already know this Jim. That’s why your adoptive father, George W., gave you his credit card with no limit. Now answer the question, before your non-opening statement starts looking like just that, an opening statement. What’s this, a moment of silence in a political debate? Great ploy, using dead soldiers to gain political points. Exploiting our fallen soldiers should bode well with your Hawk constituents. Nice touch, Jim. Hopefully nobody noticed you didn’t answer the question. Oh wait a minute, Bruce Aune did, and it looks like he’s giving you a do-over. Count your blessings this isn’t high-stake standardized testing, where there are no do-overs. Better yet, let me count them.

What is your position on abortion?

Which position is it going to be, Jim? Huh, Jim? Inquiring minds want to know. Will it be the first stance or the seventh, or will you choose one in between. And the Christian Right survey says…. “Move from the current law of Parental Notification to Parental Consent?” Where did this stance come from? Obviously not Right field. (Pause for collective Christian Right to regain consciousness.) So now you do support abortion, only teenagers need to get parental consent? Ladies and gentlemen, the Eighth Stance: “I want to protect the unborn child by requiring pregnant teenagers to get permission slips from their parents to have an abortion.” I can see Bob seething now, smoke coming out of his ears, fuming over this public betrayal. And I thought you had learned to love the Christian Right, Jim.

What tax policies would you propose and why?

Newsflash: Iowa seniors are leaving the state in search of greener tax relief pasture; the extreme weather conditions have nothing to do with Senior Flight. I repeat, the weather is not to blame for Iowa Senior Citizens fleeing our state en masse and emigrating to Arizona and Florida.

What would you do with the state road use tax fund?

Use it to build a yellow brick road between Des Moines and Manchester? Talking Heads “We’re on a Road to Nowhere…” plays in my head… Oh yeah, what were you going to do, Jim? Sorry, it must be my meds; I completely lost track of what you were saying.

How will you combat the rising cost of higher education?

“We need to connect our young people to the jobs…they have to be able to connect the education to an actual job in Iowa…” (uses hands gestures to help explain this connection, illustrating how to make and compact a snowball) Actual jobs in Iowa, assuming, of course, they haven’t been outsourced by the time our kids graduate from high school or college, eh Jim? So what degree track does one connect with a politician, or a hustler -- but I repeat myself?

How do you plan on providing all Iowans access to quality and affordable health care? And how do you plan on paying for it?

Access in rural areas is important. “Every mile is a minute…” – assuming of course rural Iowans only drive five miles over the speed limit while speeding their loved ones to the emergency room. So how are we going to pay for this, Jim? May I humbly suggest you retract your plan to stop Senior Flight. Let the seniors flee, and this will help bring down Iowa’s collective health premium base, thus making it cheaper for the remaining Iowans. “We are suing our doctors and health care professionals out of those rural areas, making it difficult for them to compete, making it difficult for them to locate there…” Oh yeah, Jim. Good set up, I can smell the GOP talking point coming; lay it on ‘em Jimbo…“I would limit liability and cap punitive damages in Iowa..” Jackpot! Move over trial lawyers, there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s gonna pop a cap in your wallets. Not to mention this will be incentive for Big Business to set up shop in the Heartland, knowing they can reinstitute the liability/bottom-line cost formula used in the days before the Ford Pinto fiasco. To recall or not to recall? That is the bottom line question. Maybe next time, eh Firestone?

How will you attract young people to Iowa?

Sorry folks, all I could think of was having cake and eating it too.

Why mess with Vision Iowa if it is working?

“All icing, all frosting, no cake…” Damn it, Jim. I’m a hustler, not an English major. Quit mixing metaphors that make me hungry. All I can think about is cake, not your damn economic vision.

Do the sex offender laws put our children at greater risk?

“I prosecuted people like Mark Foley, when I was a prosecutor in Manchester Iowa…” WTF!? Manchester has tenured senators who sexually harass teenage pages by text messaging them and asking them if they get horny knowing he’s masturbating while simultaneously messaging them? That does it Jim, I’ll be damned if I’m moving back to Manchester. Regardless of what happens in November, I’m staying put in D.C., where at least, despite what Representative Steve King says, I know it’s safer than the streets of Bahgdad, and quite possibly Manchester.

What is your slogan for Iowa?

“Education Destination”: I can see it now while driving into Iowa a year from now: a big billboard welcoming me, “Welcome to Iowa, Your Education Destination, Home of the Amazonian Rainforest and Birthplace of Standardized Testing.” Isn’t learning grand?

What is your position on anti-bullying legislation?

That’s it Jim, draw from your past and support anti-bullying for everyone, not just.. “carving out a special exception for persuasion, sexual persuasion…?” By “sexual persuasion,” do you mean homosexuals, Jim? When I merge sex and persuasion, all I can think of is your persuasive prowess of seducing Karen back in D.C. when you were still married. Now that took some sexual persuasion. Is there something you’re not telling me, Jim?

What is your position on gay marriage?

Do you mean Sexual Persuasion Marriage? If so, I’m sure Jim’s all for it, eh Jim? “We must protect all classes of children, not just one particular class.” You lost me, Jim. So how are gay marriage and bullying related? And by class, do you mean homosexuals. If so, homosexuality is its own distinct class now? If so, what’s the monetary cut off in determining who’s gay and who’s not? Better yet, if you’re elected Governor of Iowa, will the raise in pay push us into the Gay or the Sexually Persuasive Class?

What is your position on teacher pay? How high is high enough?

Teachers are running away from paper work? By paper work, do you mean the increased paper work mandated by the NCLB Act? You’re losing me Jim. Is it 8 0’clock yet?

What is your position on overcrowded prisons?

Bring back the death penalty; this should ease the overcrowding.

What is your position on stem cell research?

Just say no to embryos.

Who is your hero, and why?

Say it Jim. Who’s your daddy? George Dubya. You can say it, Jim. “It’s my dad.” Oh, your other dad. So close, Jim, but so far. Maybe when George’s approval ratings rise, you can come back out of the closet and embrace your adoptive father, mentor, and role model for quality leadership and energizing Iowa’s future…