Tuesday, August 29, 2006

What’s in a Political Pimp’s Name?

One of my loyal peeps out in the political blogsphere alerted me to a web site for “the elevated player,” where you can enter your name and have it pimpified right in front of your very own eyes. As Jim and I know, the key to a good hustle and spinning webs of mass deception is adopting an image that commands respect on the one hand, while the other slips in and steals a vote with the other. On the stiletto heels of “The Pimp Almighty” poll, I thought it only fitting to plug in some names and see what the Pimpify machine kicked out. I first entered Jim Nussle’s name, and I kid you not, it kicked out, “President Nussle Kicks.” Now I told you Iowa was a mere stepping stone for the Jimster, and now you have yet another viable source.

Here are some of the other Pimpified name results of noteworthy players:

Bob Vander Plaats: Delicious Bob Dazzle (I’m thinking it’s never too late for Bob to make a name change before the election.)

George W. Bush: Dopetastic George Wicked

Donald Rumsfeld: Treacherous D. Slim

Charles Grassley: Pimp Daddy Charles Dazzle

Ronald Reagan: Mr. White Chocolate Slim

Karl Rove: Master Pimp K. Luthor

Ready to get your A-game on, elevated player? Get your own pimp name: Pimpafy Here!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Poll Indicates Nussle Will Reign O’er Uncle Sam

The Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam, better get set to relinquish his throne, for the “Nussle & Flow” voters have spoken, and it looks like my better half, Jim Nussle, is poised to be the next Almighty Pimp. Traditionally speaking, I’m not a big fan of reading into poll numbers, unless of course they support my own cause, but this poll should help give Jim the election boost he’s been looking for. What’s even more impressive about Jim’s poll numbers is the field of candidates he beat out for this prestigious honor, which included Donald Rumsfeld, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and Tricky Dick Nixon. Now these guys have hustled more voters and pimped out more soldiers’ than Jim could ever even imagine, but who knows, with Jim’s fuzzy math skills, there’s no way of accurately gauging his true pimp potential. Or maybe I should give my readers more credit for seeing Jim’s bid for Iowa governor for what it really is: a four-year hiatus from D.C. and stepping stone for higher office, say the White House.

George W. Bush congratulations his young pimp protege, Nussle, joking: "We got some kinda Oedipus thing goin' on here, Jim? First you blindside me with this, and then you're gonna have me whacked before making Laura the third Misses?"

3. Ronald Reagan (20%): The Great Pretender made a valiant posthumous run for the Almighty Pimp title, but his Cold War pimp feats, like most of the past, were lost by voters as his legacy was filtered through nostalgic lenses. Let's hope the same thing holds true for Jim's congressional record, eh?

2. Donald Rumsfeld (25%):

Due to his strategic "Pimp 'N' Die" strategy in Iraq, Rumsfeld was poised to take the crown, but thanks to the unbridled success of his peeps' spin machine, his legacy was whitewashed. Bubbling with hubris, Rumsfeld had pre-purchased pimp hats to help celebrate his certain victory.

1. Jim Nussle (40%): A purple and zebra-skin striped velour pimp hat goes off to "The Once and Future Pimp," Jim Nussle. Obviously, I knew he had It in him; it was only a matter of time before the people recognized his pimp potential.

Be careful, Jim and company, your pimp prowess has not slipped by unnoticed by the Pimp Tax Man:

Bad Pimp, Bad Pimp, whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when Grassley comes for you…?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Nussle Endorses Exploitation of Child Labor in Political Markets

Yes folks, as Thomas Friedman puts it ‘The World is Flat,” and if we’re going to be contenders in the global market, it’s time Iowa adopts some of our competitors' strategies. Thanks to NAFTA, the World Trade Organization, and outsourcing, other countries have successfully tapped into the cheap labor market, and it’s time we follow their lead and start exploiting our children as well. The days of “money for nothing” and collecting weekly unemployment (allowance) are numbered. Not only will this save money for the state and our country, but the sooner we begin exploiting our children, the more marketable they’ll be when all of the jobs have left Iowa and the United States.

Being the true visionary he is, Jim read the writing on one of the walls along the Mexican border and took the initiative by recruiting young foot soldiers for his gubernatorial campaign. Although the volunteer work is only temporary, meaning they won’t receive health benefits or pension bonuses, these children will be better prepared to survive on the leveled global playing field when they graduate -- assuming of course the public schools aren’t outsourced as well.

A junior member of Nussle's Toddler Corps takes up a strategic post, positioning and marketing herself for a Nussle rally set to commence 8 hours later.

A new recruit for Nussle's Infant Corps attends a training meaning and attentatively watches a training video, ABCommunism and the Dark Side of Unions.

A member of Nussle's Junior Corps proudly displays her Nussle lunch sack which she earned after her initial two weeks of service.

A group of Nussle's Junior Corps take one of their two 15 minute breaks to help break up the 16-hour work day.

Monday, August 21, 2006

“2 + 2 = 5”: Nussle’s World Class Education Just Doesn’t Add Up

If I had a dollar for every time I said to Jim, “We’re not in Washington, D.C. anymore,” I would have a million dollars in my pocket – or roughly half that if we were to use Jim’s “fuzzy math.” It’s no secret among House Budget Committee members that Jim’s no big fan of mathematics. Jim spent many a weekend, he lost count after 10, attending remedial check book management classes for over-drafting our nation’s check book. Jim also hates long division and doesn’t believe in the practice of carrying over remainders (but has no problem borrowing, go figure). I’ve tried home schooling, but the resistance is strong with the Jimster.

I warned Jim that it was only a matter of time before the voting populace caught on to the Bush Administration’s Orwellian Strategy, “Two Plus Two Equals Five”. The Bush Administration borrowed the concept from George Orwell’s book, 1984, thinking nobody would remember anything that happened during the Reagan Administration. The basic premise underlying the strategy relies on the repetition of a false or illogical premise until people believe it. It’s worked well thus far, but as I’ve told Jim over and over and over, that the pendulum is shifting (apparently the same concept doesn’t work for me, eh?). I even played a continuous thread of Radiohead’s song “2 + 2 = 5” (from their 6th album, Hail to the Thief (above right)) for Jim, but he refused to believe the song was a critique of his adoptive father. Like I said earlier, the resistance is strong with the Jimster.

While attending an elementary school as a guess speaker, Jim's quite pleased to see the teacher and students raise five fingers when asked, "What's 2 + 2?" (And who said teaching to the test wasn't effective?)

So it came as no surprise when a number of Iowa’s teachers, math teachers I presume, contacted Jim and called him out on his statement regarding the latest state-by-state ACT scores. Iowa ranked third in the nation with an average of 22.1 points out of a possible 36. Iowa finished behind its Midwestern peeps, Minnesota (22.3) and Wisconsin (22.2). Jim said that a third place finish by Iowa students was unacceptable, claiming Iowa's education system isn't world class: "It was trumpeted by our leaders in Iowa that Iowa's number three in ACT test scores…I don't think that's setting the standard." The part that got teachers all riled up is Nussle’s plan to raise Iowa teachers’ salaries up to the national average. So Jim’s not satisfied with students finishing in the 96th percentile, but promises to raise teachers’ salaries to the 75th percentile? That alone is a 21 percent discrepancy, Jim. Did you seriously think Iowa teachers were going to fall for this hustle?

This isn’t the first time Jim’s numbers didn’t add up:

No Child Left Behind Act: the intended purpose of this legislative “reform” was to bridge the gap between low-end-and high-end students. This made sense to Jim and that’s why he voted for it. Since the accountability component relies on standardized norm-based testing, a certain percentage of students will always be on the bottom end/percentile. Regardless of how much every student improves in Iowa, 40% will always be labeled ‘non-proficient.” This said I think we need to rename the act: “Forty Percent of Our Children Will Always Be Left Behind. (FPOCWABLB).”

Minimum Wage + Invisible Hand = Increased Buying Power: Jim still believes in Adam Smith’s outdated invisible hand theory that suggests if the market is left alone, the invisible hand will guide it accordingly. Thanks to the reverse invisibility serum dropped in to D.C. water coolers, we now know whose pockets the invisible hand has visited, leaving behind contribution gifts in its wake. Since September 1997, the purchasing power of the minimum wage has deteriorated by 20 percent. After adjusting for inflation, the value of the minimum wage is at its lowest level since 1955. Jim has had some doubts about the theory, so just in case the invisible hand doesn’t make its rounds in D.C., Jim voted himself in congressional raises.

One Man + One Woman = Marriage: Jim has already modified this formula to help account for his adulterous past and dip into the infidelity pool. The new formula in Iowa will be One Man + Two Wives* = Sanctity of Marriage.

*One cannot be married simultaneously to the wives, nor can the two wives be married to one another.

Jim’s not too worried about his math skills and knows that he’ll win the election by putting all 30 of his gold pieces in one war chest and focus on the gubernatorial debates. “Borrowing” from the ever-loquacious Mel Gibson’s 1985 film, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Jim’s already adopted his Thunderdome bloodlust debate strategy:

“Two Men Enter, One Man Leave…”

"Two Men Enter, One Man Leave..."

"Two Men Enter, One Man Leave..."

Jim's proposed site of second gubernatorial debate

Friday, August 18, 2006

Nussle Parades Patriotism via Flag Desecration

Nussle, one of the staunchest advocates for the protection of our most sacred symbol, the U.S. flag, takes his hustle to the streets of Iowa, hustlin’ votes from the Everyjohn*. Jim’s sporting a desecrated flag shirt, stitched by the hands of a malnourished, nine year old girl in a Malaysian sweatshop owned by an American corporation. The style of the shirt was made popular in the late 1960s when Abbie Hoffman, outspoken member of the counterculture, was arrested by the Chicago police and charged with "flag desecration" at the Democratic National Convention for wearing a similar shirt (Ah yes, the good ‘ol days, eh Jim?) -- only Abbie’s shirt (right) was long- sleeved and sewn by machine in an American factory.

Jim and the Everyjohn joke around with the latter’s son, kidding about how one day his generation may depend on sweatshop labor to help pay off the accrued interest on the current deficit Jim helped build with his own two hands. (above left)

Caution: Don’t sit too close to the campfire Jim, I’d hate to see your shirt catch afire and go up in flames.

*Everyjohn: a derivation of the term Everyman which symbolizes the ordinary individual, with whom people can identify. Everyjohn symbolizes the potential “tricks” one can hustle or turn for profit, whether it’s sexual or political solicitation.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Nussle Plans to Renovate Terrace Hill in January

With only 84 shopping days left until the November Election, Jim and the Mrs. II are already sketching out big plans to renovate their new home in Des Moines. It’s no secret that Jim’s become used to living a life of luxury in D.C., and the thought of downsizing and moving into the cramped quarters of Terrace Hill has made Jim feel a little uneasy. Jim’s been very busy drawing up floor plans, building models, and hiring computer architects to create a computer generated image of what the new improved Terrace Hill will look like when it’s finished. Jim’s very proud about his creative accomplishments and continually reminds me that it’s creative ideas like these that will help energize Iowa’s future.

Draft of Jim's floor plan for Terrace Hill makeover (originally done in crayons)

Jim's three-dimensional model of new improvedTerrace Hill

A computer generated image of what the newly renovated Terrace Hill will look like next year

Monday, August 14, 2006

Nussle to Replace DNR Hog Lot Czar with Totalitarian Oversight Committee

‘Ole Jim mounted the “soapbox” at the Iowa State Fair and attempted to get in touch with his Iowa roots by unleashing a perfunctory hog call, “Soooieee.” His attempt to hustle votes hooked a dozen or so passersby who were upset about corporate hog lots in Iowa (left). Feeling a little uneasy, Jim attempted to comfort onlookers with a numbing barrage of sound bytes from his stump speech. Nussle later joked that the interest from bystanders made him nervous: "I was kind of hoping people would just keep going.” For the love of Karl Rove, this is no way to pimp votes, Jim.

Jim also weighed in with his proposal to nullify a rule granting the Department of Natural Resources’ director more power to reject plans for new livestock confinements: "I do not believe that the director of the Department of Natural Resources should have sole, independent, czar authority without any review or oversight.”

Nussle attempts to assuage fears of a gathering mob by explaining why Iowa needs factory farms to help boost the economy and help replenish political candidates "war chests" with dirty pig money.

When a bystander cried foul and shouted, “What about all the family-operated hog farmers who were driven out of the hog business because of the current laws.”

Jim paused, assumed a czar-like speaking stance, and decried, “LET THEM EAT PORK!”

In lieu of a DNR Czar, Jim would like to appoint a non-partisan totalitarian committee which would be responsible for reviewing and overseeing the development of new livestock confinements. Tentatively, Jim plans to appoint the following members to the totalitarian committee:

Boss Hog: While his name alone commands respect, Boss Hog has a proven track record in Hazzard County with regard to feeding the troughs of corporate interests. Boss Hog also brings name recognition to the table, and this will help boost the committee's oversight efforts, not to mention his appointment will help encourage out-of-state hog operators to move their operations to Iowa.

Hog Calling Contestant "495": Contestant 495 will be in charge of public relations and communications. Her hog-calling skills will be an important facet in the global economy when attempting to lure out-of-state hogs to Iowa. Not only will this help make Iowa the pork-producing capital of the world, it will help improve Iowa's quality of life - as captured in The Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come."

Babe: America's most loveable pig brings a unique voice to the committee, one of which can cross species' lines. Babe is a proven stateseman in both the rural and urban communities. When Babe speaks, animals listen, and it's essential to have an advocate for the animals to help keep them pacified, thus avoiding any open rebellions reminiscent of Animal Farm.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Nussle and Fellow Adulterer, Newt Gingrich, Reunite for "Night of 99 Ideas"

I’ve always been intrigued by the prospect of “wife swapping,” but I find the idea of getting together to swap cuckold wife stories even more alluring. Jim is hosting one of his “Idea Raiser” parties this afternoon in Sioux City. To help energize things, he invited former house speaker and chronic adulterer, Newt Gingrich, to join us for a “Night of 99 Ideas.” I can’t wait to be a “fly on the wall” at this reunion of former House-mates and adulterers.

If you’ll recall, Jim was a young congressman from Iowa when Newt, the Master Player, ran the house. Newt’s sexual mores are quite impressive indeed. As a high school student, Newt seduced his geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, who he later married after knocking her up. The affair included night time romps in the back of the car until they got busted. While still married to Jackie, Newt hooked up with Anne Manning in D.C. and engaged in oral sex, which Newt later claimed wasn’t sex because oral sex doesn’t count. This was eventually coined “the Newt Defense.” Gingrich later hooked up with a younger woman, Marianne, and had an adulterous affair with her until he divorced Jackie, after confronting her in her hospital room where she was recovering from uterine cancer surgery and insisted they discuss the divorce terms he was seeking.

During an interview on Fox News, Newt Gingrich recounts the number of times he committed adultery while his first wife, Jackie, was in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer surgery.

Golly, with a role model like that, it’s no wonder poor, young, impressionable Jim inevitably succumbed to the temptations of the adulterous world and hooked up with Karen while campaigning on a Family Values agenda. And he won and keeps on winning, so there’s something to be said about having adulterous skeletons in your closet.

With America's most beloved phallic symbol in the backdrop, Newt Gingrich poses with current wife and "future" cuckold, Callista.

When these two lust-filled minds hook up today, I can only imagine what kind of ideas they’ll come up with to help energize Iowa’s future. I’ve already scribbled down some ideas to help get the party started:

The 9 Commandments Commandment: Have “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” carefully chiseled out of “The 10 Commandments” and mandate that all government buildings visibly display the Newt Improved “9 Commandments.”

“The Newt Defense”: Add an amendment to the Iowa constitution that explicitly states that “oral sex is not a sexual act,” and revise the Abstinence Education Curriculum, clearly indicating this distinction, so teenagers may run around and indulge in all the oral sex they can fathom without having to relinquish their Virginity Pledge Buttons. In addition, all Sodomy laws in the Iowa Code will be revised to reflect these changes.

Adopt “Three Strikes – You’re Out Policy”: Add an Amendment to the Iowa Penal Code that states: “any person found guilty of committing three counts of adultery will be permanently exiled from Iowa and deported to Washington D.C.” Of course we’ll have to grandfather this law in so we all start with a clean count, eh Jim?

These ideas should help energize the state of Iowa and get the party rolling. I can’t wait. What ever will I wear?

The Straight Dope: Read adulterous "The Ballad of Jim Nussle" posted on Preponderance of Pondering. For a complete list of conservative guests invited to attend future "Idea Raisers" for the Nussle campaign, check out the list and links on "Pam's House Blend."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Nussle Unveils New Song to Help Re-Energize Iowa's PRIDE

When I shared my RAGBRAI stories with Jim, he feigned interest, bobbing his head like one of his George W. Bush bobble dolls, until a motif manifested. Jim noticed that I mentioned that in just about every town, some cover band played Lynyrd Skynyrd’s song, “Sweet Home Alabama.” Ironically, Iowans seemed to have adopted this southern pride ditty as their own, singing along with reckless abandonment at every road stop. Jim and I agreed that Iowa was long overdue for a good old fashioned rock-‘n’roll song that symbolizes Iowa’ pride. Since I am the idea man of this operation, Jim turned the task over to me and here’s what I've come up with as a draft-in-progress:

Sweet Home Iowa, by Jimmy the Hustler

Big deals keep on churning
Carry me home to my constituents
Singing songs about the heartland
I’m already missing D.C.’s influence
And I think it’s a sin, yes

Well I heard Mister Abramoff talk about her
Well, I heard ole Jack put her down
Well, I hope Jack Abramoff will remember
This good ole D.C. boy ain’t gonna pay him back anyhow

Sweet home Iowa
Where the skies once were blue
Sweet home Iowa
Corporate farmers, I’m coming home to roost

On Terrace Hill they love the Governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now adultery does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

Sweet home Iowa
Where the people had work and paid their dues
Sweet home Iowa
Lord Vishnu, we’re sending more jobs to you
Here they come India

Now Steve King’s district has got the right wing
And they’ve been known to pick a wedge issue or two
Oh George they get me off so much
They contribute money when my wallet's feeling blue
Now how about you?

Sweet home Iowa
Where the gays will never marry
Sweet home Iowa
Some day George, I’ll come back to you

Sweet home Iowa
Oh sweet home baby
Where the state is now blue
And the governor’s true
Georgy, I’ll come back to you
Yea, yea D.C.’s got all the answers

Running with Jim’s "Idea Raising" bit, feel free to add your own stanza in the comments, and let’s see if, together, we can craft a song all flag-wielding Iowans can be proud of singing.

Monday, August 07, 2006

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Daze 4-7)

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

Day 4 (Waukee to Newton): On the fourth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be billions and billions budgeted for bombs and bombs and more bombs, and it was good.

In Newton, Lance Armstorng makes a plea to Iowans for more money budgeted for cancer research, indicating that the current administration cut cancer research for the first time in 35 years. Armstrong compared the lives lost on 9/11 to the ongoing lives lost in the world of cancer: "In the world of cancer, 9/11 happens every other day."

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Day 5 (Newton to Marengo): On the fifth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be Angels clothed in hot pink and made in the image of Anne Coulter, and it was good.

One of Ann Coulter's fallen angels mounts a bicycle on a quest to find her soulmate, Jimmy the Hustler, and inject him with venomous slander.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Day 6 (Marengo to Coralville): On the sixth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be evidence that proves Lance Armstrong is indeed a human being, and it was good.

In an attempt to earn her wings, another one of Ann Coulter's fallen angels gathers photographic evidence of Lance Armstrong's human remains to help prove he's human and indeed serves a higher power, the Republican Party.

And Nussle said, Let there be public accountability and an end to "cronyism" and bonuses for state employees.

Iowa Hawkeye quarterback, Drew Tate, informs his coach and the next Iowa governor's boss, Kirk Ferentz, that Nussle has a plan to eliminate state bonuses. Not realizing the microphone is on, Ferentz makes an off-the cuff comment, "We'll see about that. I have an idea where we can put that key to the city of Coralville."

And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Day 7 (Coralville to Muscatine): On the seventh day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be an Iowa Alumni Network to track emigrants, and it was good.

Upon hearing the latest Wall Street Journal/John Zogby survey showing Nussle leading Culver by 3 percentage points, thousands of RAGBRAI riders attempt to flee Iowa via the Mississippi River. Before they could cross the river, Nussle's legion of volunteers tagged the emigrants so their movements could be tracked on the other side of the river.

And the evening and the morning were the seventh day.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Nussle’s Plan to Energize Iowa (Batteries Not Included)

It was only a matter of time before people discovered that my better half, Jim, hasn’t expressed an original idea since he graced the House floor donning a paper bag over his head (which was my idea by the way). After Bob jumped into the sack with us, all Jim had to do was watch the Democratic contenders duke it out while Jim sat ringside and cherry picked their ideas. On behalf of Jim, I would like to extend thanks to Chet for his renewable energy initiatives, Mike Blouin for his ideas on job creation and how to grow the economy, and Ed Fallon for his plans to provide affordable, accessible health care and the restoration of public trust in the government. We would like to further extend our gratitude to Fallon for his campaign strategy of “Get 10 to Win” (now “Tell 5 Friends”; we didn’t want to overextend our grassroots efforts).

Have no fear, Republican; Jim has not morphed into a Democrat, or worse, the L-word. This is just window dressing and the Devil is in the details, and that’s where I come in to play. If you so dare to peek behind the curtain, you’ll see the real Wizard of Jim’s campaign, yours truly. First we pull the Karl Rove levers, “Gay Marriage” and "Immigration,” and watch the smoke fill the stage, distracting Iowa voters from the substantive issues. Next, we fire up the Republican Attack Machine and push the Character Assassination buttons to throw Camp Chet into a political tizzy. When the smoke begins to clear, we pull the Illusion lever and convince Iowans that they’re all on the Yellow-Brick Road by holding “Idea Raisers” across Iowa.

At a Christmas Costume and White Elephant Gift Exchange party in D.C., Karl Rove (right) passes on his makeshift heart to Jim Nussle (left)

These parties were so exclusive that even I, Jimmy the Hustler, was not invited. Nonetheless I managed to slip my ideas into Jim’s pile:

No Congressman Left Behind Amendment: As part of the original NCLB Act, a provision should be added that requires all congresspersons to take a standardized test on every piece of legislation and must score a level of proficiency (75%) to be eligible to vote. Any congressperson who fails to vote on any piece of legislation during a session will be placed on a “warning” list, and two consecutive non-compliances will result in probation. One component of probation will be to pay $2000 to any constituent who wants to relocate to a new district (this should help completely depopulate Steve King’s district in western Iowa, making it an attractive piece of real estate for Nebraska.). The same provision would extend to executive branches when wielding VETO power, although, unlike nepotism, this is a foreign concept to Jim and his adopted father, George W. Bush.

The “Catch and Release” Program: Jim already co-opted my idea, dubbing it the “Iowa Alumni Network”. I doubt expatriates are going to willingly comply with this notion - eagerly submitting their whereabouts and contact information, so marketers can call them up every month and attempt to convince them to return to Iowa, or guilt them into donating money to help replenish and balance the state’s budget. This is why we need to be more aggressive. We can create yet another governmental department charged with the responsibility of catching former Iowans, tagging them, carefully monitoring their habits to help build a marketing data base that we can sell to other marketers or presidential hopefuls.

The Iowa Veterans Exchange Program: Instead of Jim’s “Iowa Veterans Hero Initiative,” this program would mandate that all members of the legislative and executive branches of the Iowa government trade places with an Iowa Veteran one weekend a month and one month out of the year. The goal is to see if politicians can actually live off Veterans’ benefits during the exchange period. Failure to do so will be cause for revocation of “Veteran” status, thus making the exchangee eligible for active duty in Iraq or Afghanistan or whatever new Occupation pops up during the War on Terror.

If these ideas fail to energize Jim’s campaign, I may have no other choice but to close my eyes, tap my patent leather shoes together three times and repeat, “There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C.”

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 3: Audubon to Waukee)

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the third day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let the Federal Government grow even larger with the addition of a new division to Homeland Security. Charged with the resposibility of monitoring potential two-wheeled terrorists, "Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad" was created and no reports of any path-side bombings have been reported ever since, and it was good.

National Security Agent, Scott Fleming, mounts a camera to his bicycle as he prepares to patrol beer gardens, roadside breakfast burrito stands, and beer slides in an attempt to make bike riders feel more secure.

And Nussle said, Let there be sacrifices to Me and my fellow Gods for everything we have given and taken away from the mortals. Mortal Billy Hutchins offers obligatory sacrifice of Helios's sacred cattle as a gesture to Jim Nussle, offering Jim thanks for cutting taxes for the wealthy and helping continue trickle-down-economic policies responsible for the cow's emaciated state.

And Nussle said, Let the fruits of your labors and the benefits of trickle-down economics come raining down on the meek, and the clouds parted, and drops of rain trickled down, and it was good. Rider, 277890, tries to catch the omni-illusory benefits of trickle-down economics with his bike helmet.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 2: Ida Grove to Audubon)

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the second day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be "Bloody Mary Goggles" for all the undecided voters, thus enticing them to overlook my congressional record and see me as the only viable candidate to take home for a rousing, all-night game of naked Twister, and it was good.

Three-time Naked Twister Champ, "Bloody Mary" Sue, scopes RAGBRAI field for hopes of luring Jim Nussle into her multi-colored polka dot lair.

And Nussle said, Let there be accountablity for improving math scores in all of Iowa's public schools, so children can compete on a global scale without the use of calculators and their toes; and 5 + 2 will equal 7 once again, and it was good.

Competing in the final round of the Lance Armstrong look alike contest, Marty Beauchamps raised seven fingers to indicate a non-verbal response to the question: What has the number seven come to represent? The possible answers were: a) The number of times Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France, b) The number of times Lance Armstrong was accused of blood doping upon winning the Tour de France, c) The number of days it took God to create the universe, d) The number of days it will take Jim Nussle to destroy Iowa if elected Governor, e) All of the above. Had Mr. Beauchamps merely said "E" he would have been crowned champion.

And Nussle said, Let no embryo be destroyed for the purpose of stem cell research, but rather, the embryos should be stuffed in nylon duffle bags and donated to the First Annual RAGBRAI Embryo Grab Bag fundraiser to benefit the Right Wing Republicans Against Cloning Themselves Organization, and it was good.
An anonymous RAGBRAI biker sifts through the pile of embryo grab bags with the hope of finding some lucky embryo.

And the evening and the morning were the second day.