Sunday, October 29, 2006

Nussle: “Honey, I Shrunk Our Inner-Circle”

It was only a matter of time before Jim squeezed yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, out of his incredibly-shrinking circle. First he squeezed out his running mate and poster boy for the Christian Right, Bob Vander Plaats, who has been quarantined to Western Iowa for the most part. Every once in awhile Jim lets the Gimp out of the basement, but after Bob’s public endorsement of teaching Intelligent Design in the classroom in Ames, the Gimp may not see any more daylight east of Highway 71. Back to the basement, Gimp!
Bob Vader Plaats (right) and his handler, Political Zed (left), warn Iowa voters that they'll be coming to a political theater near you
Next, in order to keep his political life sustainable, Jim chose to squeeze out his adoptive father, George W. Bush. Jim had no problem pimping George out in April for a $1 million dollars in campaign seed money, but he had no time for George during his recent stump for Dave Lamberti in Des Moines.
Through all of this, I’ve been loyal to Jim, but I can no longer remain silent and wait for Jim to listen to me, his inner voice. I thought my unauthorized blog would catch Jim’s attention, but he’s been too busy trying to dig up dirt about Chet’s “secret plan.” Jim left me no other choice but to call it quits, and I submitted my two weeks notice last Thursday. This will carry me through Election Day and the first two days of the post-election grieving process, but after that I’m returning home to D.C. -- with or without Jim.

I’ve enclosed a copy of my letter to Jim:

Dearest Jim,

It is with deep regret that I, Jimmy the Hustler, hereby rescind my services as your inner hustler and loyal campaigner for your gubernatorial bid in Iowa. I can no longer be ignored and play second fiddle to you and your self-proclaimed Pride. The Iowa voters are onto your hustle, namely because you wouldn’t heed my advice as you found yourself torn between playing political games and kowtowing to the Christian Right, teetering to the latter in hopes of inspiring your base.

As the campaign continues to unravel during the final stretch, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, Jim. Unlike the Iowa voters, I do know that it’s hard out there for a pimp. I’m looking forward to heading back to D.C. to join our fellow political players as we pave the road for our next career as political lobbyists. You and I know that the revolving door on Corporate Hill pays handsome dividends, and I look forward to working the congressional stable of pimps from the outside.

I only hope that this experience in Iowa will help humble you and give you the opportunity to embrace, rather than ignore and deny, your inner-pimp. I’m excited about our future partnership and rekindling of our hustling relationship.

Yours truly,