Monday, October 23, 2006

Nussle Gambles on TouchPlay Gambit

In case you haven’t heard, Mister Anti-Gambling himself, Jim Nussle, took a gamble during the final gubernatorial debate, accusing his opponent of having a secret plan to reinstate TouchPlay lottery machines if he is elected governor: “There’s either a secret plan out there to either reinstate TouchPlay or, for that matter, for a secret settlement.” My boy Jim has no hard evidence to support his claim, other than Culver received campaign contributions from key TouchPlay players who used to give money to us.

I knew something was amiss the night before the debate when I heard Jim tossing and turning and hissing in his sleep, “They’re thieves! They’re filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precisoussssssss. Curse them! We hates them! It’s ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Democrats. Wicked, trickssssssssy, falssssssse!”

Later in the debate, Jim said “…if you follow the money, you’ll get your answer.” Don’t tempt me, Jimbo. You know Jimmy lovessssss the ssssssmell of money and can ssssniff out a trail of ssssssurplus money faster than the House Budget Committee can re-appropriate it in a frantic midnight-hour pork barrel session.

Unlike Jim, me loves to gamble, preciousssss…. I slithered my way into the money pit and sniffed out some interesting tidbits, but Jimmy can’t tell you about my precious, dear Reader. Me wants to indulge in Internet gambling and take bets on Chet’s Secret Plan. Jimmy the Hussssssssssssstler give odds on what Chet’s hiding from usssssssssssss:

100 to 1: Chet made deal with Osama bin Laden, who plans on buying the discontinued TouchPlay machines and equipping every cave in Pakistan with the "money-making machines."

20 to 1: Donate the TouchPlay machines to public schools, where they’ll be used as math manipulatives to help give Iowa’s children a jumpstart on their World Class Education.

15 to 1: Replace all of the voting machines in Iowa with TouchPlay machines, with the hope of reinvigorating the voting process and increasing transparency by creating a paper trail.

5 to 1: Ship all the discontinued TouchPlay machines off to Capital Hill and use the revenue to help replenish the National Debt accrued during the past six years.

2 to 1: Chet has no secret plan, sssssssssssssssucker…


Blogger Rarebit said...

What kind of odds would you give me on Chet Culver actually being Satan?

12:45 PM  

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