Monday, October 02, 2006

Nussle’s Pre-Debate “To-Do” List

The moment of Truth has come as Iowans from all five corners of the state gather around their idiot boxes to watch this evening’s debate between Jim Nussle and Chet Culver. The debates about the debates have finally subsided. Jim has been running around within his inner-circle preparing for the debate, checking items off his to-do list as he prances about. To help emphasize the import of the pre-debate process, I’ve included a copy of Jim’s to-do list, aptly titled:

Much Adieu about Nothing

___ Dust off George W. Bush Bobble-Head collection for good luck

___ Watch clips from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome for divine inspiration, followed by a ritualistic chanting of “Two Men Enter, One Man Leave…” over and over to help find inner peace

___ Rehearse non-verbal cues that create the illusion of actually caring; primary focus will be extended to facial expressions that express empathy, genuine concern, compassion, and aloof disdain – the same expressions used to seduce second wife, Karen

___ Self-induced mental enema of the past, namely 16-year congressional record

___ Practice “Duck and Cover” diversion strategy in front of the mirror while reciting eternal question:

Jim: “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest hustler of them all?”

Mirror: “Why you dear Jim are one of the finest hustlers in the land,
But there’s someone even lower, ergo Jimmy the Hustler,
Whose forked tongue makes him a liability to apprehend.”

___ Take double-dose of prescription medications to help silence Jimmy the Hustler (No worries, faithful Reader, I'll merely pretend to swallow)

___ Put in shoe inserts, thus averting any potential Napoleon-complex analysis in post-debate spin cycle

___ Listen to Stuart Smalley inspiration tapes, pretending Karl Rove plays Stuart Smalley instead of the brow-beating liberal Al Franken


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