Monday, October 30, 2006

Endorsements Nussle Would Like to Keep in the Closet

‘Tis the season of political endorsements as newspaper editorial boards across Iowa endorse who they think will make the best governor. Much like his budgetary overspending habits, Jim cannot always control who will endorse him for the next governor of Iowa. Granted, Jim has received a few endorsements from liberal media outlets, which ironically, he proudly promotes on his campaign website. This past Sunday morning I heard Jim yelling up the stairs at the break of dawn, “Come look, Karen. Some of Iowa’s newspapers actually endorsed me. I told you they like me. See Karen, I told you so. Some people in Iowa do like me…”

What the mainstream doesn’t know about are all the closet endorsements Jim has kept under lock and key, much like yours truly and Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats. With only eight days left until the election, I decided the time was ripe for endorsing a “Coming-Out Party”:

Iowa Bigots for Whiter Pastures Endorse Nussle: IBWP President, Bernard Preston, announced at the 15th annual White Bean Chile and Cracker Festival -- a fundraiser promoting homogenous awareness -- that it was endorsing Jim Nussle for Iowa’s next Governor. Preston said, “Nussle has a solid track record in preserving Iowa’s status as one of the whitest states in the nation. His passion for preserving our rich white heritage in Iowa speaks for itself.” Preston cited Nussle’s strong stance against illegal immigrants, his support for English Only initiatives, his role as Budget Chair in helping cut and under-fund minority recruitment and retention programs, and his congressional record of helping export jobs -- jobs traditionally held by minorities in Iowa -- to minorities located in other countries. Preston fired up his fellow bigots with a Fire and Brimstone finale, “Iowa is God’s country, and I for one will be damned if I’m going to let God’s country be overrun by minorities. We used to be the whitest nation in the country, but thanks to Satan’s little helper, the current Democratic governor, our white supremacy has slipped a couple of notches. With Nussle as our Governor, we can recapture our whiteness, creating lily-white fields of opportunity for the future of our lily-white children.”

Reformed Adulterers Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage Calls Nussle “Our Kind of Candidate”: A group comprised of former adulterers, adultery sympathizers, and friends who let friends commit adultery, joined forces at an Adultery Anonymous retreat in Northwest Iowa and privately endorsed Jim Nussle for Governor. In order to protect their Republican political aspirations, group members wished to remain anonymous, but the group did anonymously release the following statement: “Having committed the sin of adultery, we know that only one of our brethren can truly protect the sanctity of marriage, and this is why we’re endorsing Jim Nussle for Governor. Jim’s seen the dark side and weathered the political repercussions of committing adultery. Not only did Jim shake hands with the devil, but he managed to get elected to Congress despite his Satanic Two-Step. Anyone who can survive this feat unblemished -- without having a Scarlet Letter ‘A’ tattooed on his forehead -- is our kind of candidate.”

Pro-Lifers for Capital Punishment & Zero Population Supporters Unite to Endorse Jim Nussle: Citing Jim Nussle’s ninth and final stance on abortion -- which calls for “no exceptions for abortion, even if it means protecting the life of the mother” -- PLCP and ZP joined forces to endorse Nussle for Iowa Governor. “The Life we save today, may be the life we take tomorrow,” said PLCP spokesman, Butch Roberts. “When you look at the big picture or the bottom line, outlawing abortion while simultaneously enacting the death penalty will one day balance everything out. Better yet, if the mother is sacrificed during the birthing process, we can call it a draw. It’s this logic that has convince the ZP supporters to join us and help fight for our mutual cause.”

Republicans for the Secession of Western Iowa Endorses Nussle: Jim Nussle received an endorsement from a grassroots organization behind a Western Iowa movement to secede from the Eastern portion of Iowa and create its own sovereign state. As part of the split, the group wants to erect a fence all along the border to help keep Liberals from infiltrating and spreading their cancerous ways into the main stream of the western populace. “With one of our very own, Bob Vander Plaats, at Nussle’s side, our dream of becoming a self-governed Republican state is one step closer to becoming a long-overdue reality,” said Luke Smith, the organization's founder and chief spokesperson. “We especially like Jim’s ‘catch and deport’ strategy and hope to adopt it as a means of deporting Western Iowa Liberals who are currently seeking political amnesty.”
Iowa State Congressional Representative and advocate for the secession of Western Iowa displays a prototype of fence his group plans to use when secession of Western Iowa is complete


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