Thursday, October 12, 2006

W.W.J.D.? Speaking of Nussle’s Faith…

I knew Jim was fated for a long ride in politics when he “cemented his relationship with Jesus Christ.” I was worried when Jim first cemented his “Contract with Jesus,” knowing that when a politician takes the moral high ground, there’s only that much more distance to fall. Fortunately, Jim had his prosecutor career to fall back on, thus providing him with enough foresight to add a “Forgiveness Clause” (or what Jim calls “The Pay It Forward Clause;” or what I call “The Sin Now & Pay Later Clause”).

Similar to his adopted father, George W. Bush, Jim turned his life over to Jesus Christ, and it appears we’ve all reaped the benefits of their trickle-down morality. I know when I’m trapped in a moral quagmire, I will always find solace, knowing my trusty W.W.J.D.? bracelet is close by. I often find myself engulfed in moments of silence, pontificating, and asking myself “What Would Jim Do?”

With the November campaign closing in, I found myself asking this question more and more, and I would like to share the results of my meditations with you, dear Reader. For reasons of accountability, I’ve run the same scenarios by Jesus as a means of providing a standardized norm to help accurately measure Jim’s actions. (Note: the results have a 95% confidence interval - the 5% differential to help account for human frailties, divine hypocrisies, and inherent political contradictions).

1. Public Prayer and/or School Prayer:

What Would Jesus Do?: Neither one. "When you pray, be not like the pretenders, who prefer to pray in the synagogues and in the public square, in the sight of others. In truth I tell you, that is all the profit they will have. But you, when you pray, go into your inner chamber and, locking the door, pray there in hiding to your Father, and your Father who sees you in hiding will reward you" (Matthew 6:5-6).

What Would Jim Do?: Pass legislation that would allow students time to pray in school in lieu of recess, require all public building in the state of Iowa to be “Prayer Accessible” or risk losing public funding – namely county highway funds

2. Display of 10 Commandments in Public Buildings

What Would Jesus Do?: He wouldn’t, but rather, Jesus would memorize them and actually live by them. Besides, the very act of doing this is in direct violation of two of the Commandments, you know, the ones about “not erecting ‘idols’ in the likeness of created things and worshipping them,” and “never taking the name of God in vain – pointless or insincere oath.”

What Would Jim Do?: Not only post The Nine Commandments* in every public building, but would erect displays in public restrooms in stalls and above urinals -- to help remind Iowans what thou shouldn’t be doing whenever they’re not relieving themselves.

*The Sixth Commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” has been deleted, thus preserving Jim’s credibility as Iowa’s “Chosen One.”

3. Treatment of Illegal Immigrants in Iowa

What Would Jesus Do?: "Whenever you did these things to the lowliest of my brothers, you were doing it to me" (Matthew 25:40).

What Would Jim Do?: Catch and deport them

4. Capital Punishment

What Would Jesus Do?: Granted, the Old Testament law commanded the death penalty for various acts: murder (Exodus 21:12), kidnapping (Exodus 21:16), bestiality (Exodus 22:19); adultery (Leviticus 20:10); homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13), being a false prophet (Deuteronomy 13:5), prostitution (Leviticus 21:9) and rape (Deuteronomy 22:24-25), and several other crimes, but fortunately for Jim (see Leviticus 20:10) Jesus is a little more forgiving. When the Pharisees brought a woman who was caught in the act of adultery to Jesus and asked Him if she should be stoned, Jesus replied, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). Whew, that was close, eh Jim? So it looks like Jesus would support capital punishment, only it would have to be implemented by someone who has never sinned before, meaning nobody.

What Would Jim Do?: Reinstate the Death Penalty in Iowa. Although, Jim does go on record saying, “I believe the death penalty should be an option for judges and juries in Iowa, in particular for heinous crimes involving felony murder. That’s where I believe we should head,” thus protecting his fellow adulterers and false prophets.

5. Campaign Finance

What Would Jesus Do?: First, Jesus would never run for a political office, so I had to hypothesize what he would do. Upon entering the political temples, Jesus would take the floor and decry, “My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. But you have made it a den of thieves!” In a subsequent rage, Jesus would overturn all of the tables in the House until subdued by the authorities and imprisoned indefinitely.

What Would Jim Do?: Show me the Money!!!

This blog entry was paid for by S.E.J.F.C.S. (Stop Exploiting Jesus for Christ’s Sake)


Anonymous cr said...

What about the torture bill and Iraq? Maybe those are too obvious.

4:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious post!!! :-)

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure Jesus just loves Jim's ideas for defunding public education. And Jim really seems to get how much Jesus cares for poor, what with all he has done to help the 37 million Americans living in poverty and the 45.8 million uninsured. (Read heavy sarcasm here.) Jesus especially liked it when Jim proposed that all U.S. aid to Africa be cut. (Iowa Christians left and right stalked him during a recess until he had to change his mind on that one.)

3:35 PM  

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