Saturday, July 22, 2006

Jim Nussle Diagnosed with “Chronic Selective Amnesia”

Just after the Republican Primary, Jim Nussle was diagnosed with Post-Uncontested Primary Traumatic Disorder – a psychological ailment that attacks the mind and the central nervous system. According to an anonymous, yet reputable source: “What Mr. Nussle has is not uncommon among politicians who run unopposed for office. Often times, the stress of not having an opponent to run against someone subconsciously attacks the mind, because the mental immune system is left unguarded. There are other concerns and risks regarding the psychosomatic effects stemming from P.U.P.T.D., and it appears Nussle’s condition has degenerated into a more severe form of P.U.P.T.D. known as ‘Chronic Selective Amnesia.’”

According to experts, Chronic Selective Amnesia, or C.S.A., is a condition in which the patient’s brain enacts a coup d’etat on the memory, and on a subconscious level the patient consciously may choose to forget any skeletons in the past as the conscious reconstructs the present, casting it in a new light while simultaneously deluding the facts. Since the primary, Nussle has shown a number of symptoms indicating C.S.A. The following is a run-down of the top ten red flags that led to Jim’s diagnosis.

Jim has thoroughly convinced himself that:

10. Iowa is Washington, D.C.: Despite efforts by Jim’s handlers during his “Barnstorming Iowa” tour, Nussle still tells potential voters how proud he is to be from D.C. and promises to restore their city’s dignity back to the way it was before the current administration took over.

9. He’s running against Governor Tom Vilsack.

8. Karen is his FIRST wife: In an effort to shore up the conservative Republican base and inject homophobia into his “Quality of Life” plank, Jim is on a mission to preserve the sanctity of marriage by banning gay couples from getting married. In the process, Jim plum forgot his first marriage.

7. He IS Buzz Lightyear: Jim still runs around his home dressed in his ill-fitting Buzz Lightyear underoos, sporadically decrying, “I’m Buzz Lightyear. To infinity and beyond…”

6. While serving as the Chair on the House Budget Committee, Jim was certain the taxpayers’ money was his allowance, and he could spend it any way he damn well pleased.

5. He doesn’t have Chronic Selective Amnesia, it’s the Iowa voters who have C.S.A., and it is this collective state of denial that will help propel him into the Governor’s office come November.

4. The Log Cabin Republicans made him a permanent fixture on poker night because of his slick hustling abilities playing Texas Hold ‘Em Down. Jim thoroughly believes he always won because of his uncanny ability to spot fellow players’ obvious “tells” whenever they winked at him.

3. His 12-year voting record in the House and subsequent accumulation of booty and skeletons was the premise for the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie

2. The acronym RAGBRAI stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa

1. George W. Bush IS his FATHER

(Note from Jimmy the Hustler: It’s clear that Jim has C.S.A. and is still stuck in the initial state of denial. And guess who he blames? If you guessed yours truly, you’re getting to know Jim better than I thought. Consequently, Jim’s sending me off next week for “therapeutic treatment” with a trained psychologist to “get away from it all.” We’ll be riding RAGBRAI to help support the Republican cause, and our trip is being funded by Bigots for Nussle. Jim threw in a proctologist for extra measure despite the fact that most riders swear that after the first couple of rides, your you-know-what gets used to it - so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the ride. No worries, I’ll be back the following Monday to keep you abreast of Jim’s condition.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious! you nailed it.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an idiot.

10:26 PM  

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