Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 2: Ida Grove to Audubon)

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the second day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be "Bloody Mary Goggles" for all the undecided voters, thus enticing them to overlook my congressional record and see me as the only viable candidate to take home for a rousing, all-night game of naked Twister, and it was good.

Three-time Naked Twister Champ, "Bloody Mary" Sue, scopes RAGBRAI field for hopes of luring Jim Nussle into her multi-colored polka dot lair.

And Nussle said, Let there be accountablity for improving math scores in all of Iowa's public schools, so children can compete on a global scale without the use of calculators and their toes; and 5 + 2 will equal 7 once again, and it was good.

Competing in the final round of the Lance Armstrong look alike contest, Marty Beauchamps raised seven fingers to indicate a non-verbal response to the question: What has the number seven come to represent? The possible answers were: a) The number of times Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France, b) The number of times Lance Armstrong was accused of blood doping upon winning the Tour de France, c) The number of days it took God to create the universe, d) The number of days it will take Jim Nussle to destroy Iowa if elected Governor, e) All of the above. Had Mr. Beauchamps merely said "E" he would have been crowned champion.

And Nussle said, Let no embryo be destroyed for the purpose of stem cell research, but rather, the embryos should be stuffed in nylon duffle bags and donated to the First Annual RAGBRAI Embryo Grab Bag fundraiser to benefit the Right Wing Republicans Against Cloning Themselves Organization, and it was good.
An anonymous RAGBRAI biker sifts through the pile of embryo grab bags with the hope of finding some lucky embryo.

And the evening and the morning were the second day.


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