Monday, August 14, 2006

Nussle to Replace DNR Hog Lot Czar with Totalitarian Oversight Committee

‘Ole Jim mounted the “soapbox” at the Iowa State Fair and attempted to get in touch with his Iowa roots by unleashing a perfunctory hog call, “Soooieee.” His attempt to hustle votes hooked a dozen or so passersby who were upset about corporate hog lots in Iowa (left). Feeling a little uneasy, Jim attempted to comfort onlookers with a numbing barrage of sound bytes from his stump speech. Nussle later joked that the interest from bystanders made him nervous: "I was kind of hoping people would just keep going.” For the love of Karl Rove, this is no way to pimp votes, Jim.

Jim also weighed in with his proposal to nullify a rule granting the Department of Natural Resources’ director more power to reject plans for new livestock confinements: "I do not believe that the director of the Department of Natural Resources should have sole, independent, czar authority without any review or oversight.”

Nussle attempts to assuage fears of a gathering mob by explaining why Iowa needs factory farms to help boost the economy and help replenish political candidates "war chests" with dirty pig money.

When a bystander cried foul and shouted, “What about all the family-operated hog farmers who were driven out of the hog business because of the current laws.”

Jim paused, assumed a czar-like speaking stance, and decried, “LET THEM EAT PORK!”

In lieu of a DNR Czar, Jim would like to appoint a non-partisan totalitarian committee which would be responsible for reviewing and overseeing the development of new livestock confinements. Tentatively, Jim plans to appoint the following members to the totalitarian committee:

Boss Hog: While his name alone commands respect, Boss Hog has a proven track record in Hazzard County with regard to feeding the troughs of corporate interests. Boss Hog also brings name recognition to the table, and this will help boost the committee's oversight efforts, not to mention his appointment will help encourage out-of-state hog operators to move their operations to Iowa.

Hog Calling Contestant "495": Contestant 495 will be in charge of public relations and communications. Her hog-calling skills will be an important facet in the global economy when attempting to lure out-of-state hogs to Iowa. Not only will this help make Iowa the pork-producing capital of the world, it will help improve Iowa's quality of life - as captured in The Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come."

Babe: America's most loveable pig brings a unique voice to the committee, one of which can cross species' lines. Babe is a proven stateseman in both the rural and urban communities. When Babe speaks, animals listen, and it's essential to have an advocate for the animals to help keep them pacified, thus avoiding any open rebellions reminiscent of Animal Farm.


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