Nussle’s Plan to Energize Iowa (Batteries Not Included)

It was only a matter of time before people discovered that my better half, Jim, hasn’t expressed an original idea since he graced the House floor donning a paper bag over his head (which was my idea by the way). After Bob jumped into the sack with us, all Jim had to do was watch the Democratic contenders duke it out while Jim sat ringside and cherry picked their ideas. On behalf of Jim, I would like to extend thanks to Chet for his renewable energy initiatives, Mike Blouin for his ideas on job creation and how to grow the economy, and Ed Fallon for his plans to provide affordable, accessible health care and the restoration of public trust in the government. We would like to further extend our gratitude to Fallon for his campaign strategy of “Get 10 to Win” (now “Tell 5 Friends”; we didn’t want to overextend our grassroots efforts).

Have no fear, Republican; Jim has not morphed into a Democrat, or worse, the L-word. This is just window dressing and the Devil is in the details, and that’s where I come in to play. If you so dare to peek behind the curtain, you’ll see the real Wizard of Jim’s campaign, yours truly. First we pull the Karl Rove levers, “Gay Marriage” and "Immigration,” and watch the smoke fill the stage, distracting Iowa voters from the substantive issues. Next, we fire up the Republican Attack Machine and push the Character Assassination buttons to throw Camp Chet into a political tizzy. When the smoke begins to clear, we pull the Illusion lever and convince Iowans that they’re all on the Yellow-Brick Road by holding “Idea Raisers” across Iowa.

At a Christmas Costume and White Elephant Gift Exchange party in D.C., Karl Rove (right) passes on his makeshift heart to Jim Nussle (left)

These parties were so exclusive that even I, Jimmy the Hustler, was not invited. Nonetheless I managed to slip my ideas into Jim’s pile:

No Congressman Left Behind Amendment: As part of the original NCLB Act, a provision should be added that requires all congresspersons to take a standardized test on every piece of legislation and must score a level of proficiency (75%) to be eligible to vote. Any congressperson who fails to vote on any piece of legislation during a session will be placed on a “warning” list, and two consecutive non-compliances will result in probation. One component of probation will be to pay $2000 to any constituent who wants to relocate to a new district (this should help completely depopulate Steve King’s district in western Iowa, making it an attractive piece of real estate for Nebraska.). The same provision would extend to executive branches when wielding VETO power, although, unlike nepotism, this is a foreign concept to Jim and his adopted father, George W. Bush.

The “Catch and Release” Program: Jim already co-opted my idea, dubbing it the “Iowa Alumni Network”. I doubt expatriates are going to willingly comply with this notion - eagerly submitting their whereabouts and contact information, so marketers can call them up every month and attempt to convince them to return to Iowa, or guilt them into donating money to help replenish and balance the state’s budget. This is why we need to be more aggressive. We can create yet another governmental department charged with the responsibility of catching former Iowans, tagging them, carefully monitoring their habits to help build a marketing data base that we can sell to other marketers or presidential hopefuls.

The Iowa Veterans Exchange Program: Instead of Jim’s “Iowa Veterans Hero Initiative,” this program would mandate that all members of the legislative and executive branches of the Iowa government trade places with an Iowa Veteran one weekend a month and one month out of the year. The goal is to see if politicians can actually live off Veterans’ benefits during the exchange period. Failure to do so will be cause for revocation of “Veteran” status, thus making the exchangee eligible for active duty in Iraq or Afghanistan or whatever new Occupation pops up during the War on Terror.

If these ideas fail to energize Jim’s campaign, I may have no other choice but to close my eyes, tap my patent leather shoes together three times and repeat, “There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C.”