Nussle and Fellow Adulterer, Newt Gingrich, Reunite for "Night of 99 Ideas"
If you’ll recall, Jim was a young congressman from Iowa when Newt, the Master Player, ran the house. Newt’s sexual mores are quite impressive indeed. As a high school student, Newt seduced his geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, who he later married after knocking her up. The affair included night time romps in the back of the car until they got busted. While still married to Jackie, Newt hooked up with Anne Manning in D.C. and engaged in oral sex, which Newt later claimed wasn’t sex because oral sex doesn’t count. This was eventually coined “the Newt Defense.” Gingrich later hooked up with a younger woman, Marianne, and had an adulterous affair with her until he divorced Jackie, after confronting her in her hospital room where she was recovering from uterine cancer surgery and insisted they discuss the divorce terms he was seeking.
During an interview on Fox News, Newt Gingrich recounts the number of times he committed adultery while his first wife, Jackie, was in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer surgery.
Golly, with a role model like that, it’s no wonder poor, young, impressionable Jim inevitably succumbed to the temptations of the adulterous world and hooked up with Karen while campaigning on a Family Values agenda. And he won and keeps on winning, so there’s something to be said about having adulterous skeletons in your closet.
With America's most beloved phallic symbol in the backdrop, Newt Gingrich poses with current wife and "future" cuckold, Callista.
When these two lust-filled minds hook up today, I can only imagine what kind of ideas they’ll come up with to help energize Iowa’s future. I’ve already scribbled down some ideas to help get the party started:
The 9 Commandments Commandment: Have “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” carefully chiseled out of “The 10 Commandments” and mandate that all government buildings visibly display the Newt Improved “9 Commandments.”
“The Newt Defense”: Add an amendment to the Iowa constitution that explicitly states that “oral sex is not a sexual act,” and revise the Abstinence Education Curriculum, clearly indicating this distinction, so teenagers may run around and indulge in all the oral sex they can fathom without having to relinquish their Virginity Pledge Buttons. In addition, all Sodomy laws in the Iowa Code will be revised to reflect these changes.
Adopt “Three Strikes – You’re Out Policy”: Add an Amendment to the Iowa Penal Code that states: “any person found guilty of committing three counts of adultery will be permanently exiled from Iowa and deported to Washington D.C.” Of course we’ll have to grandfather this law in so we all start with a clean count, eh Jim?
These ideas should help energize the state of Iowa and get the party rolling. I can’t wait. What ever will I wear?
The Straight Dope: Read adulterous "The Ballad of Jim Nussle" posted on Preponderance of Pondering. For a complete list of conservative guests invited to attend future "Idea Raisers" for the Nussle campaign, check out the list and links on "Pam's House Blend."