Nussle & Flow: Poll Indicates Nussle Will Reign O’er Uncle Sam

The Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam, better get set to relinquish his throne, for the “Nussle & Flow” voters have spoken, and it looks like my better half, Jim Nussle, is poised to be the next Almighty Pimp. Traditionally speaking, I’m not a big fan of reading into poll numbers, unless of course they support my own cause, but this poll should help give Jim the election boost he’s been looking for. What’s even more impressive about Jim’s poll numbers is the field of candidates he beat out for this prestigious honor, which included Donald Rumsfeld, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and Tricky Dick Nixon. Now these guys have hustled more voters and pimped out more soldiers’ than Jim could ever even imagine, but who knows, with Jim’s fuzzy math skills, there’s no way of accurately gauging his true pimp potential. Or maybe I should give my readers more credit for seeing Jim’s bid for Iowa governor for what it really is: a four-year hiatus from D.C. and stepping stone for higher office, say the White House.

George W. Bush congratulations his young pimp protege, Nussle, joking: "We got some kinda Oedipus thing goin' on here, Jim? First you blindside me with this, and then you're gonna have me whacked before making Laura the third Misses?"

3. Ronald Reagan (20%): The Great Pretender made a valiant posthumous run for the Almighty Pimp title, but his Cold War pimp feats, like most of the past, were lost by voters as his legacy was filtered through nostalgic lenses. Let's hope the same thing holds true for Jim's congressional record, eh?

2. Donald Rumsfeld (25%):

Due to his strategic "Pimp 'N' Die" strategy in Iraq, Rumsfeld was poised to take the crown, but thanks to the unbridled success of his peeps' spin machine, his legacy was whitewashed. Bubbling with hubris, Rumsfeld had pre-purchased pimp hats to help celebrate his certain victory.

1. Jim Nussle (40%): A purple and zebra-skin striped velour pimp hat goes off to "The Once and Future Pimp," Jim Nussle. Obviously, I knew he had It in him; it was only a matter of time before the people recognized his pimp potential.