The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 1: Sergeant Bluff to Ida Grove)

Prologue: My name is Jimmy the Hustler, and I am a RAGBRAI survivor. The purpose of my bike journey across Iowa was supposed to be of a therapeutic nature and was prescribed to help alleviate Jim from some of the underlying stress feeding his “Chronic Selective Amnesia.” But my Trek took a sharp turn into an apocolyptic adventure the moment I entered Sergeant Bluff and assumed the persona of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse. A large part of RAGBRAI (what Jim STILL thinks stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa) is recreating yourself, and by assuming the identity of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse, I fell into a self-prophetic mode. During this hypnotic state, I saw Iowa recreated through Jim Nussle’s trifocal lenses as First District of Iowa State Representive of Iowa, the Budget Committee Chair in the House of Representatives, and Gubernatorial Candidate for Iowa.

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the first day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be beer and there were beer gardens and it was good.

Nussle (far right) contemplates riding the SAG van after his thorough inspections of the beer garden in Anthon.

And Nussle said, Let "Nussle Water" be gathered from hot springs under the heavens, bottled by cheap immigrant labor, housed in Wal-Mart Supercenters, and distributed by brainwashed volunteers to bikers along the RAGBRAI route. The bikers were dehydrated, the water was disgustingly warm, the bottles were chucked in nearby ditches, and it was good.

Stepford Nussle Drones attempt to baptize potential voters with "Nussle Water" as they hand out warm water to dehydrated bikers riding into the apocalyptic abyss.

And Nussle said, Let there be NO more illegal immigrants or homosexuals or persons exhibiting homosexual behaviors in Iowa, and the usual suspects were rounded up and deported to Mexico, regardless of their nationality, and it was good again.

An Italian immigrant and man dressed in pink flamingo attire were captured on the RAGBRAI route and contained in a makeshift bamboo holding pen wired with electricity (built by cheap immigrant labor) in Representative Steve King's backyard until they could be properly deported to Mexico. Their bikes were auctioned off to raise money for King's reelection bid.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Jim Nussle Diagnosed with “Chronic Selective Amnesia”

Just after the Republican Primary, Jim Nussle was diagnosed with Post-Uncontested Primary Traumatic Disorder – a psychological ailment that attacks the mind and the central nervous system. According to an anonymous, yet reputable source: “What Mr. Nussle has is not uncommon among politicians who run unopposed for office. Often times, the stress of not having an opponent to run against someone subconsciously attacks the mind, because the mental immune system is left unguarded. There are other concerns and risks regarding the psychosomatic effects stemming from P.U.P.T.D., and it appears Nussle’s condition has degenerated into a more severe form of P.U.P.T.D. known as ‘Chronic Selective Amnesia.’”

According to experts, Chronic Selective Amnesia, or C.S.A., is a condition in which the patient’s brain enacts a coup d’etat on the memory, and on a subconscious level the patient consciously may choose to forget any skeletons in the past as the conscious reconstructs the present, casting it in a new light while simultaneously deluding the facts. Since the primary, Nussle has shown a number of symptoms indicating C.S.A. The following is a run-down of the top ten red flags that led to Jim’s diagnosis.

Jim has thoroughly convinced himself that:

10. Iowa is Washington, D.C.: Despite efforts by Jim’s handlers during his “Barnstorming Iowa” tour, Nussle still tells potential voters how proud he is to be from D.C. and promises to restore their city’s dignity back to the way it was before the current administration took over.

9. He’s running against Governor Tom Vilsack.

8. Karen is his FIRST wife: In an effort to shore up the conservative Republican base and inject homophobia into his “Quality of Life” plank, Jim is on a mission to preserve the sanctity of marriage by banning gay couples from getting married. In the process, Jim plum forgot his first marriage.

7. He IS Buzz Lightyear: Jim still runs around his home dressed in his ill-fitting Buzz Lightyear underoos, sporadically decrying, “I’m Buzz Lightyear. To infinity and beyond…”

6. While serving as the Chair on the House Budget Committee, Jim was certain the taxpayers’ money was his allowance, and he could spend it any way he damn well pleased.

5. He doesn’t have Chronic Selective Amnesia, it’s the Iowa voters who have C.S.A., and it is this collective state of denial that will help propel him into the Governor’s office come November.

4. The Log Cabin Republicans made him a permanent fixture on poker night because of his slick hustling abilities playing Texas Hold ‘Em Down. Jim thoroughly believes he always won because of his uncanny ability to spot fellow players’ obvious “tells” whenever they winked at him.

3. His 12-year voting record in the House and subsequent accumulation of booty and skeletons was the premise for the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie

2. The acronym RAGBRAI stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa

1. George W. Bush IS his FATHER…

(Note from Jimmy the Hustler: It’s clear that Jim has C.S.A. and is still stuck in the initial state of denial. And guess who he blames? If you guessed yours truly, you’re getting to know Jim better than I thought. Consequently, Jim’s sending me off next week for “therapeutic treatment” with a trained psychologist to “get away from it all.” We’ll be riding RAGBRAI to help support the Republican cause, and our trip is being funded by Bigots for Nussle. Jim threw in a proctologist for extra measure despite the fact that most riders swear that after the first couple of rides, your you-know-what gets used to it - so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the ride. No worries, I’ll be back the following Monday to keep you abreast of Jim’s condition.)

We Got Free Speech Yes We Do; We Got Free Speech How 'Bout You?

Yesterday turned into an energized afternoon at Camp-Pain Deep Pockets when the cross-river rivals, Camp Nussle and Camp Culver, announced the results of their campaign fundraising drive to help energize Iowa. Camp Culver took round two, raising $1,404,729.59 to Camp Nussle’s $450,248.97. Upon hearing the news, Camp Culver exercised its right to free speech by aligning the muddied river bank and began slinging boyhood taunts at their rivals across the river. Camp Nussle held its ground and returned fire. Here’s a transcription of yesterday’s spirited event:

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got the most! We got the most! We got the most! We got the most!...

Jimmy the Hustler: God I love free speech: Priceless.

The Straight Dope: Get the spin from Camp Nussle: "Thousands of Individual Iowans Support Jim Nussle," and Camp Culver: "Culver Announces Fundraising Success". Or you can read the breakdown in the Political Forecast or The Des Moines Register.

Jim Nussle “Non-Proficient” in Political Terminology Component of NCLB Act

A provision of the No Congressperson Left Behind Act (NCLB) states that Congresspersons are required to reach a level of proficiency with political terminology before they’re allowed to use them in the public arena. This provision has extended to the executive branch and is one of the primary reasons President Bush has yet to utter the word VETO in a public context. Needless to say, Jim failed to meet the 60th percentile cut off and has been placed on a “Watch list” until he reaches an acceptable level of proficiency. Thank God, either on your own or through Gods' messenger President Bush, the NCLB provision only relates to Congress and does not apply to Jim’s run for Iowa’s next Governor.

Part of the political terminology test requires test takers to define political or politically related terms in their own words. One morning, while Jimbo was off dusting his George Bush bobble head collection, I snuck into his study and managed to procure a copy of his test responses. Here’s a mere sampling.

Accountability: A series of bureaucratic hoops and red tape that pertain only to the educational sector of the government. (synonym : standardized testing)

Deficit Spending: Using credit to borrow money as a means of supporting the best interests of the public (e.g. Stealth Bombers, spreading Democracy all over the world, funding tax cuts for the wealthy, importing Cuban cigars) without having to worry about paying the money back while still holding office.

Eminent Domain: This is a euphemism for “Gods’ Kingdom” and gives the chosen ones (e.g. President Bush), under God’s Hierarchy of Needs, the power to exercise control over ALL people who have yet to find God, Christianity, Democracy, and the FOX News Network on their universal remote controls.

Fiscal Responsibility: The name of the Bush family’s private yacht docked at Martha’s Vineyard.

Liberal: An archaic term, on the verge of extinction, used to describe anyone who dares to challenge God’s word and/or authority. Violators of the latter are usually cast down to hell or sent to Guantanamo Bay with no questions asked or any chance of redemption. (synonym: “them”)

Marriage: A word invented by Christians to keep homosexuals from receiving additional tax benefits. (synonym: sin tax)

Veto: You got me. Never heard of it…

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Dear Jimmy,

I read that Jim supported his Iowa colleague, Republican Steve King’s amendment that would have white-washed federal requirements for multilingual election ballots from the Voting Rights Act. Did Jim support this because he believes in the measure? Or did he support King out of Republican loyalty and/or personal friendship?


Sincerely,
Save the King’s English, Sioux City

Dear Save,

The answer to your questions is D) All of the Above. Jim believes in “English Only” across the board, he’s a Republican loyalist and his friendship, bred out of pity, for Steve King helped solicit Jim’s support for the amendment. In a public statement, Jim said: “English is the language of opportunity in this country and represents a common bond for all Americans.” Off the record, being Republican and the English language may be the only bond the two of these guys share. Although, Jim did feel for King when he stayed up all night working, with the help of his mother, on his Mexican/American border wall model that he proudly displayed on the House floor – only to be derided behind his back by his colleagues and liberal bloggers. When Jim was in 9th grade, he made a model replica of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre. He devoted an entire weekend to this enterprise, making the structure out of popsicle sticks, only to get a ‘C’ from his English teacher. He lost points for installing an electrical fence separating the upper-crust theater goers in the balcony from the feral, plague-infested groundlings who squealed and rooted on the theater’s floor.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I like collecting political buttons and bumper stickers of losing Democratic candidates. For some reason this makes me feel all “fuzzy” on the inside. Does Jim have any collections or hobbies of interest?

Sincerely,
Bleeding Hearts Will Fall Again, Ankeny

Dear Bleeding Heart,

Jim has the most extensive set of George W. Bush bobble heads on the Hill. He takes great pride in these and has incorporated them into his morning ritual. He dusts off each one before heading to the office. Although this makes Jim all “fuzzy” on the inside, I tend to stay away from the bobble-head room; it can be mentally scarring to walk in when the wind is blowing through the windows.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I’m curious about the “Iowa Taxpayer Refund Account” Jim’s been touting in recent news. Thanks to an inheritance from grandfather, I’m an independently wealthy Iowan, and I’m concerned that this proposed refund account will dip into some of the tax benefits I already receive from the federal government. I know you’re looking out for my best interests, and I was wondering how this plan will serve them. Can you please help assuage my fears?

Sincerely,
Taxed to Death, Des Moines

Dear Taxed,

No worries. The illusion of the invisible hand will work its magic on the trustworthy voters of Iowa. Trust me, once we’re elected, you’ll always get more than your fair share of the cheddar. The initial working title of this program was penned, “Throw ‘Em a Bone While We Eat the Carcass Tax Relief Program,” but Jim thought this might confuse some of the corporate hog farmers who are lining up to open shop in Iowa once we take over.

Besides, the main reason Jim wants to create this account is to protect himself from spending all the taxpayers’ money. Jim wants to implement a “fail safe” plan to help him resist the temptations of deficit spending. I mean, try putting yourself in Jim’s patent leather shoes for just a moment and imagine having a credit card with no spending limit, never having to pay off the balance, and no worries of impending bankruptcy looming over your head. Who could resist? By appointing a new tax commission, preferably a cadre of off-shore bankers, and making the government even bigger, Jim can protect you by protecting himself.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Is there something you always wanted to know about Jim Nussle but were afraid to ask? Well, now’s your chance. Click e-mail link and send your message or feel free to post it as a comment. Then, be sure to look for Jimmy's response in the next edition of “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask).”

“The Sound of One Pimp Clapping”: Jim Nussle’s Favorite Republican Party Planks

To pay tribute to the Party Platform adopted by the Iowa Republican Party at this years’ convention, I’ve extracted some of Jimbo’s favorite planks and put them in song format. Ever since his second marriage, Jim’s harbored a closeted affinity for lavish Broadway musicals, so I thought it only fitting to present him with his favorite party planks to the tune of “My Favorite Things” as sung by Maria von Trapp in The Sound of Music. Feel free to sing along:

"These Are My Favorite Planks"

Commandments on walls and paddles on pupils
Teaching abstinence with no hidden scruples
And Intelligent Design to help fill in God’s blanks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Denying marriages and adoptions to homosexual couples
A world without sodomy and cream-filled truffles
Gays denied access to “Heter-Only” sperm banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Illegal immigrants in handcuffs and rounded up like chattel
Concrete walls topped with electric wire designed for cattle
Lily white America and depleted food banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Packing and concealing weapons for self-defense
Electrocuting criminals for capital offenses
Domestic spying and monitoring on-shore banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

(Chorus)
When the mud slings
When moderates break ranks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite planks
And then I don’t feel so bad

The Straight Dope: Read the Republican Party of Iowa State Platform, the muse of my intelligent design.

Buzz Lightyear Rejects Jim Nussle Comparisons

In a statement released by his publicist, Buzz Lighyear - animated star of Toy Story, and Toy Story 2 - had the following response regarding recent comparisons of himself to Representative Jim Nussle: “In no way am I similar to Jim Nussle. I am a non-partisan toy, not a politician, and any such comparisons should be considered a dangerous, imaginative leap of faith and threat to intergalactic peace.” Nussle's camp was quick to respond that anything coming out of Hollywood is nothing more than senseless left-wing drivel and shouldn't be taken seriously in the "real world."

I cannot tell you the number of times, beyond infinity at last count, I’ve heard somebody say to Jimbo, “You know Jim, you remind me of Buzz Lightyear.” Personally, I think we resemble Don Vito Corleone in The Godfather, but then again, I may be biased and susceptible to fanciful projections of my own lust for the Don’s power. When Don says to Tom, “Tattaglia’s a pimp. He never coulda outfought Santino. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all alone,” my body shudders with pure joy. The Don’s pimp radar truly is mesmerizing.

In all fairness, I did my research, and much to my surprise I did find some notable comparisons between Buzz Lightyear and Jim Nussle:

Claim to Fame
Buzz: Catch phrase: “To infinity and beyond.”
Jim: Deficit spending policy (also coined “To infinity and beyond.”)

Home Base
Buzz: Alternative Universe, Gamma Quadrant of Sector Four
Jim: Alternative Universe, Washington, D.C.

Weapon of Choice
Buzz: Red laser beam
Jim: Red ink

Personal Accountability
Buzz: Says “Craters” when makes a mistake
Jim: Says “Who’s responsible for this?” or ‘Damn you, Jimmy!” when makes a mistake

Secret Romance Interest
Buzz: Princess Mira Nova
Jim: Ann Coulter

Mission
Buzz: To protect the galaxy from the threat of invasion from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance
Jim: To protect Iowa from the threat of invasion from the Evil Liberals, sworn enemies of the Republican Alliance

Self-Delusion
Buzz: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a toy
Jim: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a pimp

Renewable Energy
Buzz: Runs on batteries
Jim: Runs on Benjamin Franklins

Supervisor
Buzz: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, Andy
Jim: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, George

Favorite Line
Buzz: “I’m not falling, I’m floating gracefully.”
Jim: “The deficit is not falling, it’s floating gracefully.”

Jim Nussle Placed on NCLB "Watch List"

It was only a matter of time before the Bureaucratic Regime caught up to my boy, Jimbo, and his education record. The Federal Accountability Department (F.A.D.) of the Bureaucratic Regime finally got around to opening January’s mail. Addressed to “The Voters of Rep. Jim Nussle,” the envelope contained Jim’s latest grades on his voting record in Congress. If Jimbo had only listened to his inner voice, yours truly, he would have camped out in front of the F.A.D. mail room in hopes of intercepting his report card. He didn’t, and now, thanks to his abysmal grades, Nussle has been placed on the No Congressmen Left Behind “watch list". Oh well, not much we can do it about it now, eh? As the saying on the Budget Committee goes, “That’s the way the budget crumbles”.

Congressman Jim Nussle’s 2005 Report Card

Children’s Defense: F
Civil Rights: F
Education: F
Environment: F
Foreign Aid: C+
Gun Owners: F
Government Reform: F
Middle Class: F
Public Health: F
Seniors/Social Security: F
Veterans (Disabled): F

Jim Nussle fields questions at an elementary school Standardized Test Rally: "Don't worry kids, your scores on these tests will only be used to determine whether or not your school will recieve federal funding, whether or not you'll be promoted to the next grade, and what your report cards aren't telling us."

Folks, don’t let Jim’s .18 GPA discourage you. If Jim would’ve loaded up on his stronger subjects - Budget Deficit Spending, Xenophobia, Heterosexual Marriage Protection, and the Upper Class - his GPA would’ve shot up above the 60th percentile, thus keeping him off the watch list. Because Jim tests well on standardized tests, where the possible answers have already been narrowed down, he’s not too concerned about being “watched”. Besides, Jimbo already indicated he was going to vacate his seat in Congress next year to make a run for D.C.’s next Governor in Iowa.

Pimped Out: Open Letter to Chuck Grassley

In case you haven’t heard by now, the word on the streets of D.C. (other than it’s more dangerous than the streets of Iraq according to Representative Steve King, The New Master of Horror) is that Senator Charles Grassley, betrothed head of the Senate Finance Committee, is trying to legislate a “pimp tax.” The legislation would require sex traffickers and pimps to file employment forms and withhold taxes for “employees” or face imprisonment for each failure to file. The key provision of this bill is to authorize $2 million toward the establishment of an investigation unit in the already under-funded and under-staffed Internal Revenue Service, which will be responsible for prosecuting violators of the “pimp tax.”Senator Grassley calls Pimps Out in public: "Ain't no more free rides for Pimps. Not in our House!"

Dear Senator Grassley,

I thought we were brothers, Chuck, and now you’re trying to make the game* EVEN harder out there for us pimps. I realize your intention of the “pimp tax” is to go after sex traffickers and giving prosecutors and the courts more teeth when it comes to sentencing these people, but I don’t think you’ve considered all the ramifications of the new tax.

Your bill may open the back door to imprisoning sex traffickers, but the bill is destined to slide down the slippery slope, inevitably cracking open the door to the Campaign Contribution Trade. It’s only a matter of time before IRS investigators begin sniffing us out and turn their attentions to the world of campaign contribution trafficking. Imagine having to pay taxes on all of the untaxed income we pull in every election cycle to help fuel our reelections. Let me help spark your imagination. In your 2004 reelection you raised $7.64 million and spent $7.29 million dollars on the campaign, outspending your opponent Art Small, who spent $131,503. Now Chuck, that’s a difference of just over $7 million. I know for a fact the Johns** don’t feel like they got the best bang for their buck, but somebody obviously got a good bang, eh? Where did you manage to slice off all that untaxed cheddar***?

You’ve obviously got your A-game down when it comes to the hustle, and I would hate to see you lose your edge because of a Congressional Pimp Tax. In the meantime I would like to get in on some of that superfluous cheddar. Come November I will be frictionally unemployed, and I would love to hustle for your next congressional bid. You know where to find me, Brother.

Your Brother,
Jimmy the Hustler

*Hustlin’
**Campaign Contributors who expect a return on their investment
***Untaxed Money

Paying Tribute to Uncle Sam: Pimp Almighty

Yesterday, while cramming in as many Independence Day celebrations as we could, me and Jimbo took time to reflect upon the true meaning of our independence. We also exercised a moment of silence to pay homage to the Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam. In the post-9/11 era, thanks to his loyal foot soldiers, the Almighty Uncle Sam has pimped out our soldiers at an unprecedented rate. The Game hasn’t been this happenin’ since the War in the ‘Nam. I would personally like to thank Uncle Sam for preserving our freedoms, in particular my freedom to pimp (although Senator Grassley is trying to thwart these freedoms with his “pimp tax,” but Jimmy will address this issue at a later date).


First, read the following passage and choose the answer that BEST fits:

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Question: This quote can be found:

A) In a poem by Emma Lazarus
B) Inscribed on the base of the Statue of Liberty
C) In a new Army Recruitment brochure
D) All of the Above

If you chose A) or B) I’m guessing you too have benefited from a white-privilege education and should do well under Jimbo’s call for more mandated testing by the state of Iowa. If you choose C) I’m guessing either you were taught to always guess ‘C’ when you didn’t know the answer, or you’re yet another casualty of the public school system and you’ve looked into the military as an option for pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. (Note: bootstraps aren’t part of the Army regulations for suitable attire.)

The correct answer is D) All of the above. The current Democracy Crusades (a.k.a. “The War on Terror”) have taken its toll on military recruitment efforts. In short, the Almighty Pimp is growing desperate, but not to worry, they don’t give the surname Almighty to just anyone. He’s come up with some masterful hustles and, so help me Uncle Sam, his Band of Loyal Foot Soldiers will make sure these policies pan out.

Hustle #1: “The Back Door Draft”: Coined the “stop-loss policy,” this is an involuntary retention of active-duty soldiers to remain in service after they’ve fulfilled their contract with the government (minimum contract is an 8-year commitment): “…the President may suspend any provision of law relating to promotion, retirement, or separation applicable to any member of the armed forces who the President determines is essential to the national security of the United States.” How genius indeed. So by declaring the never-ending war, “The War on Terror,” President Bush has helped secure a state of perpetual terror and our national security will always be threatened. God I love the smell of FEAR in the morning…

Hustle #2: “Taking it to the Streets”: The Amighty’s foot soldiers take their hustle to the inner-city streets in a ploy to prey upon black urban kids. Pimped out in a Hummer, recruiters preach the Almighty’s gospel and try hookin’ unsuspecting teens into bartering their bodies for hip-hop merchandise and bonus money if they sign the dotted line – which inevitably leads to Iraq. (The second wave of this hustle, “Taking it to the ‘Burbs’ was discontinued during its test-market phase when military marketers discovered their target audience had no idea the United States was even engaged in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.)Taking it to the Steets: An Army of One Dead Soulja

Hustle #3: “The Guest Soldier Program”: This program is still in its initial phase and is contingent upon the passage of President Bush’s “Guest ‘Worker’ Program.” This hustle will focus on recruiting Mexican immigrants to “fill the jobs nobody else in the U.S. wants to do,” such as fighting in a perpetual war. The back-up plan, if this program fails to make it through Congress, is to round up illegal immigrants and offer them the choice of going back to Mexico, penniless, or going to fight in Iraq and earn a steady paycheck.

Amen.

The Straight Dope: Learn more about draft reinstatementand and the "Back Door Draft" in a Rolling Stone article by Tim Dickinson, "The Return of the Draft". To find out more about the Army's recruitment tactic of hookin' urban youth, "Taking it to the Streets," read an article found in Salon, "The Army Be Thuggin' It"

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Education): If you, or somebody you know has joined the military and wants out, whether it be the Delayed Entry Program or an honorable discharge, call the GI Rights Hotline: 1-800-394-9544 or go to the G.I. Rights webite. Peace Out.

Money for Nothing: I Want my Net Neu-tral-i-ty...

Big Brother Jim is watching me. Before you read any further, let it be known that Big Brother Jim may be watching you too. I may be paranoid, but I think Jimbo is suspicious of my subconscious musings on this blog. Proceed with caution as I peel back my layers of paranoia before your very eyes.

Jimbo is trying to silence me by controlling my freedom on this very medium. While still basking in his Republican Primary victory on June 8th, having fended off a number of Write-In candidates, which included a litany of dead people who Republicans thought might be more effective, Jim Nussle’s peeps passed the Communications Opportunity, Promotion and Enhancement Act (COPE). The House failed to include the meaningful “network neutrality” provisions that would safeguard Internet usage from Ma Bell’s bastard children, AT&T and Verizon among others. Pretty sneaky, eh? Jimbo tried to distract me by taking me to Iowa, but he forgot the Internet is still Neutral and I don’t have to go through a gatekeeper – the Bastard Children of Ma Bell – as they patrol the Internet borders and take payoffs for bigger and better access.

Big Brother Jim may have been a no-show at the vote, but my intuition tells me Jimbo is out to silence me which leads to my inaugural Top 5 List:

Jimmy the Hustler’s Top 5 Reasons as to why Jim Nussle wants to silence Me and kill “Net Neutrality”:

5. Help preserve the communications industry’s “Quality of Life” in Iowa

4. Idea came to him while attempting to interpret the underlying motifs of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill, Vol. 1”

3. The truth will set you free

2. Help NSA combat terrorism by imprisoning satiric bloggers in Guantanamo Bay

1. President Bush asked him to…

The Straight Dope: To learn more about "net neutrality," and the latest developments regarding its fate in the Senate, read "Net Neutrality Battle Shifts to Full Senate" in Information Week and "'Net Neutrality' battle may sink sweeping telecommunications bill" in the USA TODAY. Read John Kerry's blog entry, "Stopping the Big Giveaway," on the "It's Our Internet" website. Furthermore you can go to "It's Our Net" and "Save the Internet" for a plethora of information about "net neutrality" and tools to help preserve our Internet Freedom.

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Education): Help protect our freedom on the internet and Save Jimmy the Hustler before it's too late! There's no time to waste before the Senate begins deliberating over this telecommunications bill on the Senate floor. Send a message to your congressperson or go to "Moveon.org," "It's Our Internet," or "Save the Internet" and sign an online petition, donate money, or send a letter through these coalitions. (Click links under "D.A.R.E. to Act.")