Monday, July 31, 2006

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 1: Sergeant Bluff to Ida Grove)

Prologue: My name is Jimmy the Hustler, and I am a RAGBRAI survivor. The purpose of my bike journey across Iowa was supposed to be of a therapeutic nature and was prescribed to help alleviate Jim from some of the underlying stress feeding his “Chronic Selective Amnesia.” But my Trek took a sharp turn into an apocolyptic adventure the moment I entered Sergeant Bluff and assumed the persona of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse. A large part of RAGBRAI (what Jim STILL thinks stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa) is recreating yourself, and by assuming the identity of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse, I fell into a self-prophetic mode. During this hypnotic state, I saw Iowa recreated through Jim Nussle’s trifocal lenses as First District of Iowa State Representive of Iowa, the Budget Committee Chair in the House of Representatives, and Gubernatorial Candidate for Iowa.

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the first day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be beer and there were beer gardens and it was good.

Nussle (far right) contemplates riding the SAG van after his thorough inspections of the beer garden in Anthon.

And Nussle said, Let "Nussle Water" be gathered from hot springs under the heavens, bottled by cheap immigrant labor, housed in Wal-Mart Supercenters, and distributed by brainwashed volunteers to bikers along the RAGBRAI route. The bikers were dehydrated, the water was disgustingly warm, the bottles were chucked in nearby ditches, and it was good.

Stepford Nussle Drones attempt to baptize potential voters with "Nussle Water" as they hand out warm water to dehydrated bikers riding into the apocalyptic abyss.

And Nussle said, Let there be NO more illegal immigrants or homosexuals or persons exhibiting homosexual behaviors in Iowa, and the usual suspects were rounded up and deported to Mexico, regardless of their nationality, and it was good again.

An Italian immigrant and man dressed in pink flamingo attire were captured on the RAGBRAI route and contained in a makeshift bamboo holding pen wired with electricity (built by cheap immigrant labor) in Representative Steve King's backyard until they could be properly deported to Mexico. Their bikes were auctioned off to raise money for King's reelection bid.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

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