Paying Tribute to Uncle Sam: Pimp Almighty

Yesterday, while cramming in as many Independence Day celebrations as we could, me and Jimbo took time to reflect upon the true meaning of our independence. We also exercised a moment of silence to pay homage to the Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam. In the post-9/11 era, thanks to his loyal foot soldiers, the Almighty Uncle Sam has pimped out our soldiers at an unprecedented rate. The Game hasn’t been this happenin’ since the War in the ‘Nam. I would personally like to thank Uncle Sam for preserving our freedoms, in particular my freedom to pimp (although Senator Grassley is trying to thwart these freedoms with his “pimp tax,” but Jimmy will address this issue at a later date).


First, read the following passage and choose the answer that BEST fits:

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Question: This quote can be found:

A) In a poem by Emma Lazarus
B) Inscribed on the base of the Statue of Liberty
C) In a new Army Recruitment brochure
D) All of the Above

If you chose A) or B) I’m guessing you too have benefited from a white-privilege education and should do well under Jimbo’s call for more mandated testing by the state of Iowa. If you choose C) I’m guessing either you were taught to always guess ‘C’ when you didn’t know the answer, or you’re yet another casualty of the public school system and you’ve looked into the military as an option for pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. (Note: bootstraps aren’t part of the Army regulations for suitable attire.)

The correct answer is D) All of the above. The current Democracy Crusades (a.k.a. “The War on Terror”) have taken its toll on military recruitment efforts. In short, the Almighty Pimp is growing desperate, but not to worry, they don’t give the surname Almighty to just anyone. He’s come up with some masterful hustles and, so help me Uncle Sam, his Band of Loyal Foot Soldiers will make sure these policies pan out.

Hustle #1: “The Back Door Draft”: Coined the “stop-loss policy,” this is an involuntary retention of active-duty soldiers to remain in service after they’ve fulfilled their contract with the government (minimum contract is an 8-year commitment): “…the President may suspend any provision of law relating to promotion, retirement, or separation applicable to any member of the armed forces who the President determines is essential to the national security of the United States.” How genius indeed. So by declaring the never-ending war, “The War on Terror,” President Bush has helped secure a state of perpetual terror and our national security will always be threatened. God I love the smell of FEAR in the morning…

Hustle #2: “Taking it to the Streets”: The Amighty’s foot soldiers take their hustle to the inner-city streets in a ploy to prey upon black urban kids. Pimped out in a Hummer, recruiters preach the Almighty’s gospel and try hookin’ unsuspecting teens into bartering their bodies for hip-hop merchandise and bonus money if they sign the dotted line – which inevitably leads to Iraq. (The second wave of this hustle, “Taking it to the ‘Burbs’ was discontinued during its test-market phase when military marketers discovered their target audience had no idea the United States was even engaged in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.)Taking it to the Steets: An Army of One Dead Soulja

Hustle #3: “The Guest Soldier Program”: This program is still in its initial phase and is contingent upon the passage of President Bush’s “Guest ‘Worker’ Program.” This hustle will focus on recruiting Mexican immigrants to “fill the jobs nobody else in the U.S. wants to do,” such as fighting in a perpetual war. The back-up plan, if this program fails to make it through Congress, is to round up illegal immigrants and offer them the choice of going back to Mexico, penniless, or going to fight in Iraq and earn a steady paycheck.

Amen.

The Straight Dope: Learn more about draft reinstatementand and the "Back Door Draft" in a Rolling Stone article by Tim Dickinson, "The Return of the Draft". To find out more about the Army's recruitment tactic of hookin' urban youth, "Taking it to the Streets," read an article found in Salon, "The Army Be Thuggin' It"

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Education): If you, or somebody you know has joined the military and wants out, whether it be the Delayed Entry Program or an honorable discharge, call the GI Rights Hotline: 1-800-394-9544 or go to the G.I. Rights webite. Peace Out.