Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Buzz Lightyear Rejects Jim Nussle Comparisons

In a statement released by his publicist, Buzz Lighyear - animated star of Toy Story, and Toy Story 2 - had the following response regarding recent comparisons of himself to Representative Jim Nussle: “In no way am I similar to Jim Nussle. I am a non-partisan toy, not a politician, and any such comparisons should be considered a dangerous, imaginative leap of faith and threat to intergalactic peace.” Nussle's camp was quick to respond that anything coming out of Hollywood is nothing more than senseless left-wing drivel and shouldn't be taken seriously in the "real world."

I cannot tell you the number of times, beyond infinity at last count, I’ve heard somebody say to Jimbo, “You know Jim, you remind me of Buzz Lightyear.” Personally, I think we resemble Don Vito Corleone in The Godfather, but then again, I may be biased and susceptible to fanciful projections of my own lust for the Don’s power. When Don says to Tom, “Tattaglia’s a pimp. He never coulda outfought Santino. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all alone,” my body shudders with pure joy. The Don’s pimp radar truly is mesmerizing.

In all fairness, I did my research, and much to my surprise I did find some notable comparisons between Buzz Lightyear and Jim Nussle:

Claim to Fame
Buzz: Catch phrase: “To infinity and beyond.”
Jim: Deficit spending policy (also coined “To infinity and beyond.”)

Home Base
Buzz: Alternative Universe, Gamma Quadrant of Sector Four
Jim: Alternative Universe, Washington, D.C.

Weapon of Choice
Buzz: Red laser beam
Jim: Red ink

Personal Accountability
Buzz: Says “Craters” when makes a mistake
Jim: Says “Who’s responsible for this?” or ‘Damn you, Jimmy!” when makes a mistake

Secret Romance Interest
Buzz: Princess Mira Nova
Jim: Ann Coulter

Buzz: To protect the galaxy from the threat of invasion from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance
Jim: To protect Iowa from the threat of invasion from the Evil Liberals, sworn enemies of the Republican Alliance

Buzz: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a toy
Jim: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a pimp

Renewable Energy
Buzz: Runs on batteries
Jim: Runs on Benjamin Franklins

Buzz: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, Andy
Jim: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, George

Favorite Line
Buzz: “I’m not falling, I’m floating gracefully.”
Jim: “The deficit is not falling, it’s floating gracefully.”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left off "random office staff" under Secret Romance for jimbo.

11:24 AM  

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