Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Jim Nussle “Non-Proficient” in Political Terminology Component of NCLB Act

A provision of the No Congressperson Left Behind Act (NCLB) states that Congresspersons are required to reach a level of proficiency with political terminology before they’re allowed to use them in the public arena. This provision has extended to the executive branch and is one of the primary reasons President Bush has yet to utter the word VETO in a public context. Needless to say, Jim failed to meet the 60th percentile cut off and has been placed on a “Watch list” until he reaches an acceptable level of proficiency. Thank God, either on your own or through Gods' messenger President Bush, the NCLB provision only relates to Congress and does not apply to Jim’s run for Iowa’s next Governor.

Part of the political terminology test requires test takers to define political or politically related terms in their own words. One morning, while Jimbo was off dusting his George Bush bobble head collection, I snuck into his study and managed to procure a copy of his test responses. Here’s a mere sampling.

Accountability: A series of bureaucratic hoops and red tape that pertain only to the educational sector of the government. (synonym : standardized testing)

Deficit Spending: Using credit to borrow money as a means of supporting the best interests of the public (e.g. Stealth Bombers, spreading Democracy all over the world, funding tax cuts for the wealthy, importing Cuban cigars) without having to worry about paying the money back while still holding office.

Eminent Domain: This is a euphemism for “Gods’ Kingdom” and gives the chosen ones (e.g. President Bush), under God’s Hierarchy of Needs, the power to exercise control over ALL people who have yet to find God, Christianity, Democracy, and the FOX News Network on their universal remote controls.

Fiscal Responsibility: The name of the Bush family’s private yacht docked at Martha’s Vineyard.

Liberal: An archaic term, on the verge of extinction, used to describe anyone who dares to challenge God’s word and/or authority. Violators of the latter are usually cast down to hell or sent to Guantanamo Bay with no questions asked or any chance of redemption. (synonym: “them”)

Marriage: A word invented by Christians to keep homosexuals from receiving additional tax benefits. (synonym: sin tax)

Veto: You got me. Never heard of it…


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