Jim Nussle Placed on NCLB "Watch List"

It was only a matter of time before the Bureaucratic Regime caught up to my boy, Jimbo, and his education record. The Federal Accountability Department (F.A.D.) of the Bureaucratic Regime finally got around to opening January’s mail. Addressed to “The Voters of Rep. Jim Nussle,” the envelope contained Jim’s latest grades on his voting record in Congress. If Jimbo had only listened to his inner voice, yours truly, he would have camped out in front of the F.A.D. mail room in hopes of intercepting his report card. He didn’t, and now, thanks to his abysmal grades, Nussle has been placed on the No Congressmen Left Behind “watch list". Oh well, not much we can do it about it now, eh? As the saying on the Budget Committee goes, “That’s the way the budget crumbles”.

Congressman Jim Nussle’s 2005 Report Card

Children’s Defense: F
Civil Rights: F
Education: F
Environment: F
Foreign Aid: C+
Gun Owners: F
Government Reform: F
Middle Class: F
Public Health: F
Seniors/Social Security: F
Veterans (Disabled): F

Jim Nussle fields questions at an elementary school Standardized Test Rally: "Don't worry kids, your scores on these tests will only be used to determine whether or not your school will recieve federal funding, whether or not you'll be promoted to the next grade, and what your report cards aren't telling us."

Folks, don’t let Jim’s .18 GPA discourage you. If Jim would’ve loaded up on his stronger subjects - Budget Deficit Spending, Xenophobia, Heterosexual Marriage Protection, and the Upper Class - his GPA would’ve shot up above the 60th percentile, thus keeping him off the watch list. Because Jim tests well on standardized tests, where the possible answers have already been narrowed down, he’s not too concerned about being “watched”. Besides, Jimbo already indicated he was going to vacate his seat in Congress next year to make a run for D.C.’s next Governor in Iowa.