Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Dear Jimmy,

I read that Jim supported his Iowa colleague, Republican Steve King’s amendment that would have white-washed federal requirements for multilingual election ballots from the Voting Rights Act. Did Jim support this because he believes in the measure? Or did he support King out of Republican loyalty and/or personal friendship?


Sincerely,
Save the King’s English, Sioux City

Dear Save,

The answer to your questions is D) All of the Above. Jim believes in “English Only” across the board, he’s a Republican loyalist and his friendship, bred out of pity, for Steve King helped solicit Jim’s support for the amendment. In a public statement, Jim said: “English is the language of opportunity in this country and represents a common bond for all Americans.” Off the record, being Republican and the English language may be the only bond the two of these guys share. Although, Jim did feel for King when he stayed up all night working, with the help of his mother, on his Mexican/American border wall model that he proudly displayed on the House floor – only to be derided behind his back by his colleagues and liberal bloggers. When Jim was in 9th grade, he made a model replica of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre. He devoted an entire weekend to this enterprise, making the structure out of popsicle sticks, only to get a ‘C’ from his English teacher. He lost points for installing an electrical fence separating the upper-crust theater goers in the balcony from the feral, plague-infested groundlings who squealed and rooted on the theater’s floor.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I like collecting political buttons and bumper stickers of losing Democratic candidates. For some reason this makes me feel all “fuzzy” on the inside. Does Jim have any collections or hobbies of interest?

Sincerely,
Bleeding Hearts Will Fall Again, Ankeny

Dear Bleeding Heart,

Jim has the most extensive set of George W. Bush bobble heads on the Hill. He takes great pride in these and has incorporated them into his morning ritual. He dusts off each one before heading to the office. Although this makes Jim all “fuzzy” on the inside, I tend to stay away from the bobble-head room; it can be mentally scarring to walk in when the wind is blowing through the windows.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I’m curious about the “Iowa Taxpayer Refund Account” Jim’s been touting in recent news. Thanks to an inheritance from grandfather, I’m an independently wealthy Iowan, and I’m concerned that this proposed refund account will dip into some of the tax benefits I already receive from the federal government. I know you’re looking out for my best interests, and I was wondering how this plan will serve them. Can you please help assuage my fears?

Sincerely,
Taxed to Death, Des Moines

Dear Taxed,

No worries. The illusion of the invisible hand will work its magic on the trustworthy voters of Iowa. Trust me, once we’re elected, you’ll always get more than your fair share of the cheddar. The initial working title of this program was penned, “Throw ‘Em a Bone While We Eat the Carcass Tax Relief Program,” but Jim thought this might confuse some of the corporate hog farmers who are lining up to open shop in Iowa once we take over.

Besides, the main reason Jim wants to create this account is to protect himself from spending all the taxpayers’ money. Jim wants to implement a “fail safe” plan to help him resist the temptations of deficit spending. I mean, try putting yourself in Jim’s patent leather shoes for just a moment and imagine having a credit card with no spending limit, never having to pay off the balance, and no worries of impending bankruptcy looming over your head. Who could resist? By appointing a new tax commission, preferably a cadre of off-shore bankers, and making the government even bigger, Jim can protect you by protecting himself.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Is there something you always wanted to know about Jim Nussle but were afraid to ask? Well, now’s your chance. Click e-mail link and send your message or feel free to post it as a comment. Then, be sure to look for Jimmy's response in the next edition of “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask).”