Pimped Out: Open Letter to Chuck Grassley

In case you haven’t heard by now, the word on the streets of D.C. (other than it’s more dangerous than the streets of Iraq according to Representative Steve King, The New Master of Horror) is that Senator Charles Grassley, betrothed head of the Senate Finance Committee, is trying to legislate a “pimp tax.” The legislation would require sex traffickers and pimps to file employment forms and withhold taxes for “employees” or face imprisonment for each failure to file. The key provision of this bill is to authorize $2 million toward the establishment of an investigation unit in the already under-funded and under-staffed Internal Revenue Service, which will be responsible for prosecuting violators of the “pimp tax.”Senator Grassley calls Pimps Out in public: "Ain't no more free rides for Pimps. Not in our House!"

Dear Senator Grassley,

I thought we were brothers, Chuck, and now you’re trying to make the game* EVEN harder out there for us pimps. I realize your intention of the “pimp tax” is to go after sex traffickers and giving prosecutors and the courts more teeth when it comes to sentencing these people, but I don’t think you’ve considered all the ramifications of the new tax.

Your bill may open the back door to imprisoning sex traffickers, but the bill is destined to slide down the slippery slope, inevitably cracking open the door to the Campaign Contribution Trade. It’s only a matter of time before IRS investigators begin sniffing us out and turn their attentions to the world of campaign contribution trafficking. Imagine having to pay taxes on all of the untaxed income we pull in every election cycle to help fuel our reelections. Let me help spark your imagination. In your 2004 reelection you raised $7.64 million and spent $7.29 million dollars on the campaign, outspending your opponent Art Small, who spent $131,503. Now Chuck, that’s a difference of just over $7 million. I know for a fact the Johns** don’t feel like they got the best bang for their buck, but somebody obviously got a good bang, eh? Where did you manage to slice off all that untaxed cheddar***?

You’ve obviously got your A-game down when it comes to the hustle, and I would hate to see you lose your edge because of a Congressional Pimp Tax. In the meantime I would like to get in on some of that superfluous cheddar. Come November I will be frictionally unemployed, and I would love to hustle for your next congressional bid. You know where to find me, Brother.

Your Brother,
Jimmy the Hustler

*Hustlin’
**Campaign Contributors who expect a return on their investment
***Untaxed Money