“The Sound of One Pimp Clapping”: Jim Nussle’s Favorite Republican Party Planks

To pay tribute to the Party Platform adopted by the Iowa Republican Party at this years’ convention, I’ve extracted some of Jimbo’s favorite planks and put them in song format. Ever since his second marriage, Jim’s harbored a closeted affinity for lavish Broadway musicals, so I thought it only fitting to present him with his favorite party planks to the tune of “My Favorite Things” as sung by Maria von Trapp in The Sound of Music. Feel free to sing along:

"These Are My Favorite Planks"

Commandments on walls and paddles on pupils
Teaching abstinence with no hidden scruples
And Intelligent Design to help fill in God’s blanks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Denying marriages and adoptions to homosexual couples
A world without sodomy and cream-filled truffles
Gays denied access to “Heter-Only” sperm banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Illegal immigrants in handcuffs and rounded up like chattel
Concrete walls topped with electric wire designed for cattle
Lily white America and depleted food banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Packing and concealing weapons for self-defense
Electrocuting criminals for capital offenses
Domestic spying and monitoring on-shore banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

(Chorus)
When the mud slings
When moderates break ranks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite planks
And then I don’t feel so bad

The Straight Dope: Read the Republican Party of Iowa State Platform, the muse of my intelligent design.