Saturday, September 30, 2006

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part III of the Trilogy or: The Last Stance)


Deleted Scene: The following scene was aborted from the original studio release, but was included on the Director’s Cut version of Dr. Nusslelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right:

(As if performing a political séance to help save Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s candidacy, Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats, Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, and Dr. Nusslelove are gathered around a Ouija board in the War Room. Candlelight fills the room and creates a halo-like glow over their heads while emanating an ominous reflective glow off the collective plastic faces of the Bush bobble-doll shrine hovering in the backdrop. All three men have their hands gently placed on the Ouija board pointer as the great political board guides their collective hands and responds to their questions.)

General Bob: Will we win the election?

Ouija: N-O

Nussle: No!? You’ve got to be kidding me…?

Ouija: K-I-D-D-I-N-G-?

Nussle: Never mind. How did we lose?

General Bob: What issue will prove to be our downfall?

Ouija: A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N

Dr. Nusslelove: I told you not to jump in bed with the Christian Right. No offense Bob.

General Bob: Huh?

Nussle: Well which one of the seven stances on Abortion should I have taken?

Ouija: ?

Dr. Nussleove: Should there be any exceptions, circumstances, or cases that would allow for an abortion?

Ouija: I-M-M-A-C-U-L-A-T-E C-O-N-C-E-P-T-I-O-N

General Bob: But what about my precious bodily fluids...?

Nussle: Immaculate conception? I’ll be damned if I’m going to be held responsible for aborting the Second Coming…

(The walls in the room begin to shake, toppling over Jim’s extensive collection of George W. Bush bobble-head dolls. All three men freeze and lock hands as if caught in a collective prayer, and smile at each other as The War Room slowly comes crumbling down to Vera Lynn’s uplifting tune, “We’ll Meet Again”:

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
But I'm sure we'll meet again some sunny day
Keep smiling through, just the way you used to do
Till the blue skies chase the dark clouds far away
Now, won't you please say "Hello" to the folks that I know
Tell 'em it won't be long'cause they'd be happy to know that when you saw me go
I was singing this song

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when

But I'm sure we'll meet again some sunny day

MONOLOGUE: Yes, we'll meet again. Darlin', I don't know where and I don't know when. But I KNOW we'll meet again one of these good ole sunshiny days. Ya know, darlin', all ya gotta do is just keep on smilin' through you know just like you ALWAYS do, until the blue skies chase the dark clouds far, far, far away. I wantcha to do me a favor, please say "Hello" to all the folks that I know. Well, just tell 'em it won't be long. They'd be happy to know that when you saw me go, I was standin' right here, singin' this song.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day…)

Director’s Commentary: Jimmy the Hustler

We ended up pulling the apocalyptic ending, namely because of Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s improvised final line: “I’ll be damned if I’m going to be held responsible for aborting the Second Coming…” Although Jim, his Republican posse, and the Christian Right use the Second Coming to infuse fear and get voters to vote their fears rather than their consciences, they’re also well aware of the potential ramifications if the Second Coming actually did happen. Simply put, they’d be in a world of hurt for the mess They’ve created. Face it, anyone who has actually read all of The New Testament knows that if Jesus comes back now, he’s going to be seriously pissed off…

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Dr. Nusslelove or: How Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part II of the Trilogy)

Now Playing in a Political Theater Near You:

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right


Jim Nussle as Dr. Nusslelove & Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle
Bob Vander Plaats as the Quack Surgeon General

Director and Screenplay Adaptation: Jimmy the Hustler

Movie Summary: Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats, a dutiful foot soldier for the Christian Right, goes completely and utterly mad when he suspects Planned Parenthood is conspiring to pollute the “precious bodily fluids” of Iowans. During this inebriated state and lust for power, the Quack Surgeon General manages to confuse Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, whose only coping mechanism is to continually change his stance on abortion to keep the voters guessing, thus buying time until he reveals his final, unprecedented stance on abortion. Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s perpetual shifting threatens the Quack Surgeon General’s allegiance to the Christian Right, which inevitably induces him to launch a Wedge Bomb into the campaign, claiming his running mate would sign a bill criminalizing abortions in the state of Iowa. Fearing the Wedge Bomb may destroy his candidacy, Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle meets with his handlers in the “War Room” to discuss his next move, hoping to avert a campaign tragedy. The Gubernatorial Candidate’s best hope to salvage his campaign depends on Dr. Nusslelove, a D.C. political scientist who specializes in media spin, political hustlin’, and “precious bodily fluids.” Will the Wedge Bomb be stopped in time? Or will Quack Surgeon Bob Vander Plaats and his “Doomsday Machine,” the Christian Right, succeed in destroying the political landscape of Iowa?

Memorable Quotes:

Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats:

“Your pro-choice Liberal has no regard for human life. Not even his own.”

“Abortion is too important to be left to the politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Liberal infiltration, Liberal indoctrination, Liberal subversion and the international Liberal conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

“Women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, but I do deny them my essence.”

Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle:

“There's nothing to figure out. This man is obviously a psychotic.”

“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the George W. Bush Bobble-Head Room.”

Dr. Nusslelove:
“Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, that is the whole idea of the Christian Right, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy…the FEAR to attack. The Doomsday Machine, or Christian Right in this case, is terrifying and simple to understand and completely credible and convincing, especially during an election season.”

“They love me! They love me naught!! They love me!!!”

What diabolical political plan will Dr. Nusslelove unveil next? What will be his next stance on abortion?...

To find out, stay tuned for the final episode of the Trilogy: Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part III of the Trilogy)

Monday, September 25, 2006

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part I of the Trilogy)

I thought Jim had pacified the Christian Right when he threw them a political bone by naming Bob Vander Plaats as his running mate. But as I was walking by the “George W. Bush Bobble-Head Room,” or what Jim calls the “War Room,” I couldn’t help but overhear Jim playing a solitary game of “She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not,” only Jim had substituted She with They. After careful eavesdropping, I deduced the They to be the “Christian Right” in this particular context since Jim was referencing his past stances on abortion. I’ve written the following transcript of Jim’s soliloquy for yours truly, dear reader, performed for the beloved and omnipresent Christian Right I presume:

There are no conditions under which a woman should be allowed to get an abortion…They love Me…

I will allow exceptions for rape and incest…They love Me naught…

Women should have the right to choose in the first trimester…They love Me naught…

Yes, yes, I must stick to my guns, women should be allowed an abortion in the first trimester…They still love Me not…

Remissive) Okay, okay…All abortions should be banned (pause)…They love Me… (trepidation in his voice)…With the exception of saving the mother’s life?...(lightning strikes outside War Room window) They still love Me naught…

All abortions with NO exceptions, even to save a mother’s life, should be outlawed and deemed a criminal offense…They love Me! The love Me!! They do so love Me!!!

Before Jim had a chance to fall into a narcissistic stupor requiring immediate medical attention and/or he changed his mind yet again, I slithered off to the study and penned this blog entry and the treatment for the new screenplay:


Dr Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part II of the Trilogy

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Nussle Unveils “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” Plan

The FIX is in, folks. With only 47 days left before the election, my Better Half has unveiled his “If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It” Plan (so much for his Grammatically-Correct English initiative). The key to effective advertising, whether it be a product or a candidate (I apologize for using redundancy again), is how you manipulate the public into buying into something they don’t really need, say a fully-loaded Hummer or the Truth – both of which can be extremely dangerous if not handled correctly. Using this precept, Jim plans on taking it one step further by creating the illusion that we need to fix something that isn’t really broken. It’s kind of like taking your car to a dealership for repairs. You take it in to have them fix the carburetor and you end up driving off the lot with new brakes, an air filter, and an electronic ashtray. How ingenious, indeed.

The key to this type of marketing is to find the perfect scapegoat, preferably a population that cannot vote -- such as convicted felons, children, or illegal immigrants. Jim has chosen to target illegal immigrants, making them the centerpiece of his plan.

Here are some examples that help illustrate Jim’s “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” plan:

The Problem: Illegal Immigrants Voting

It Ain’t Broke: No evidence of an Illegal Immigrant fraudulently voting

An unidentified illegal immigrant attempts to scale a heavily fortified fence in a small Missouri township, risking his life and the threat of deportation to vote in a local school board election

The Fix: Require voters to provide identification when voting, particularly focusing on Illegal Immigrants who don’t vote

Hidden Costs: Poll tax – voters will have to purchase government IDs/documents which will increase state revenues and help partially subsidize the new piece of legislation.

The Problem: Public Education Accountability

It Ain’t Broke: Students were already held accountable before the increased standardized testing mandate under the NCLB Act

The Fix: NCLB, implement more standards and testing at the state levels

Hidden Costs: More money spent on testing, district loses more local control, scarcity of political footballs come election season

The Problem: Iowa’s Budget

It Ain’t Broke: Balanced

The Fix: Supersize the government by adding more layers of bureaucracy and committees to implement ideas and policies which will help make the government even bigger.

Hidden Costs: Money spent on Red Tape will create a budget deficit

The Problem: White Flight

A proud member of the white race in Western Iowa crosses the border and emigrates to Nebraska, escaping the influx of non-white populations who have emigrated to Western Iowa with the hope of pursuing a lucrative career in farming

It Ain’t Broke: Iowa still ranks third as the whitest state in the nation

The Fix: Seize and Deport all illegal immigrants, maintain English as Iowa’s official language, import Danish immigrants to help replenish the political gene pool

Hidden Costs: The Dutch Letter Pastry industry will boom, flooding the market with Dutch Letters, consequently bringing the price down to the point Dutch Immigrants won’t be able to sustain their income on a minimum wage salary, forcing them to seek alternative employment which provides a living wage -- which will leave behind thousands of jobs nobody wants to do except the illegal immigrants who were already deported

Two plates of blackmarket Dutch Letters seized at the Iowa/Minnesota border (Note: good thing we didn't make Jim's native tongue, Dutch, the Official Language of Iowa, since they have only one letter, the letter 'S'. That would've been ssssssssssscandalousssssssss, eh Jim?)

Monday, September 18, 2006

Nussle Makes All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team

A number of people, namely those “pesky progressives,” have tried to paint my better half, Jim, as a Washington crony, who intends to corrupt Iowa politics with his adoptive D.C. culture. These folks clearly have yet to connect the dots, ALL of the dots. Any reputable conspiracy theorist, myself included, knows that ALL POLITCAL CONSPIRACY THEORIES BEGIN AND END IN TEXAS. For all of you naysayers out there still living in political-la-la land, I suggest you call the conspiracy hotline @ 1-9/11-J.F.K.- Bush (1.911.535.2874) and get the straight dope.

Keeping the Texas-pipeline conspiracy theory modus operandi in mind, it’s not surprising that our boy, Jim Nussle, made the “All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team.” Hayden Fry’s recent endorsement helped give Jim just enough conspiratorial dots to land him on the first team. Here’s a rundown of some of the more notable Texas Conspirators who helped propel Jim’s campaign:

5. Hayden Fry: former Hall of Fame Coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes football team (1979-1998) who currently resides in Nevada, but occasionaly returns to Iowa to watch his former team and/or endorse political candidates by espousing what’s best for energizing Iowa’s future (other than hiring Kirk Ferentz of course)

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Told Ronnie Harmon to get a case of the “dropsies” in the 1985 Rose Bowl game against UCLA or he would be benched the rest of the game and his career in the pros would be over before he hit the locker room; the entire 1998 football season; painted the opposing team’s locker room pink because his wife told him to, not because he had a degree in psychology and was trying to psyche out the visiting team

Texas Connection: born in Eastland, Texas; coached at North Texas and SMU; befriended George H.W. Bush while coaching high school football in Odessa (hmmmm...interesting, very interesting)

Nussle Connection: Jim’s “friend,” endorsed Nussle for governor of Nevada, err…Iowa

4. Bob J. Perry: Current financier ($5 million since Aug. 18) of California 527 group, the Economic Freedom Fund; helped bankroll the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign in the 2004 presidential election -- which called John Kerry’s war record into question

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign; close ties to Tom Delay (see #2 and insert co-conspirator-by-association clause) or use facts to help connect the dots: gave $165,000 in the 2002 election cycle to Tom DeLay’s Texans for a Republican Majority political action committee (TRMPAC); in October 2002 they contributed $95,000 to Delay's Americans for a Republican Majority political action committtee (ARMPAC); Perry and his wife also contributed $10,000 to Tom Delay's defense fund

Texas Connection: born in rural Bosque County, Texas; currently resides in Houston where he oversees his homebuilding business, Perry Homes

Nussle Connection: financed Economic Freedom Fund which distributed mailers in Iowa supporting Jim’s gubernatorial campaign

3. Halliburton: founded in 1919, one of the largest providers of products and services to the gas and oil industries

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: company's relentless quest for profits helped fuel the controversial wars in Vietnam and Iraq (both of which were “declared” under false pretenses by Texan Presidents: Lyndon B. Johnson & “Tonkin Resolution”/George W. Bush & “Iraq Resolution”/Weapons of Mass Destruction)

Texas Connection: corporate roots drilled deep

Nussle Connection: Awarded $7 billion no-bid contract to Halliburton to help "rebuild" Iraq; voted to continue awarding no-bid contracts (“sweatheart deals”) despite Pentagon audit indicating more than $100 million of their contractor costs in Iraq to be unreasonable; to thank Jim for his loyalty, Halliburton gave $1000 to Nussle’s campaign

2. Tom Delay: stepped down from role as Speaker of the House when series of indictments regarding corruption began trickling downward

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Too many to list all without having to create website solely dedicated to Tom DeLay, starting with Tom's unconstitutional redistricting of Texas congressional lines and working backwards until connecting DeLay’s role with having Lucifer cast down to hell indefinately with no chance of redeeming his good name (and who said Guantanamo Bay doesn’t have a precedent?)

Texas Connection: born in Laredo, Texas; spent 2 years attending Baylor University until he was expelled for drinking and vandalism; due to playboy reputation, DeLay was nicknamed “Hot Tub Tom” during his time in the Texas Legislature

Nussle Connection:
received $15,020 from Tom DeLay’s ARMPAC

1. George W. Bush: alleged President of the United States of America

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: his entire presidency -- every action or inaction during Bush’s tenure has been attributed with some conspiracy theory

Texas Connection: family moved to Midland, Texas when George was 2; during height of Vietnam War, in May of 1968, Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard (hmmm…who was President at the time? I’ll let you connect the dots, dear reader)

Nussle Connection: Adoptive father in D.C.; helped Jim raise $1 million during fundraiser in Des Moines -- where Bush prostituted himself by letting donors have their pictures taken with the him at $10,000 a bang (haven’t heard much from George since his approval rating plummeted)

*Like Electability, Global Warming, and Creationism, these are simply theories. It’s up to you, dear reader, to discern fact from fiction.

Having connected a plethora of dots, I’m wondering what will happen on November 7th? No sense taking any chances, especially since Jim’s opponent is the Secretary of State. I’m looking into some beach-front time shares in Texas.

If any of you have conspiracy theories about Jim Nussle you’d like to unburden from your soul, feel free to leave a comment, thus purging yourself publicly.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Nussle Urges Campaign Break: “Smoke ‘Em if You Got ‘Em”

The Jim Nussle Gubernatorial Campaign would like to take a break from the campaign and thank some of our sponsors for their campaign contributions. At this time, we’d like to extend a special thank you to R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris for standing by our side over the years. Their contributions of nearly $70,000 dollars to Jim’s campaign efforts have helped insure and protect smokers’ and potential smokers’ rights. It’s a sorry state of affairs when Big Government feels it has the right to step on Big Tobacco's toes and extinguish their God-given right to exploit the Coalition of the Willing. Raising cigarette taxes is not only a sin tax, but it damages the free enterprise capabilities of the tobacco industry. If Iowa were to raise the cigarette tax $1, just look at how this would impact cigarette sales;

-Youth smoking would decrease 19.3%

-39,700 more kids alive today would not become smokers

-20,900 current adult smokers would quit

We simply cannot allow this to happen. Not only will the decreased cigarette sales have a dire impact on the tobacco business community, but a tax increase will have damaging social and psychological ramifications as well. Thanks to the war in Iraq, the federal deficit, unaffordable health care, increased poverty, job outsourcing and increased unemployment, a stagnated minimum wage, smoking bans in the workplace, and Monday Night Football switching to a cable network, Americans are very stressed and need cigarettes and their non-addictive medicinal powers to help ease their anxieties. This reasoning holds especially true for our teenagers, who face a world of uncertainty and have yet to see the complete fallout of recent legislative actions.

If anything, we should be working together to reduce cigarette taxes so smokers have more purchasing power, since the more packs of Camel cigarettes purchased equates to more Camel Bucks circulating in our economy. People will have more purchasing power in the Camel industry and will finally be able to buy that Joe-the-Camel shower curtain, ashtray, pool table, headband, or matching earrings for those special people in their lives. Better to buy now, before it’s too late, eh?

Without further adieu, we at the Nussle Campaign would like to urge all of you to take a break from your stressful lives, light up, and “Smoke ‘Em if You Got ‘Em.”

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

NU$$LE & FLOW t-shirts: Buy into the Latest Political Rage Before It's Too Late

With only 56 shopping days left until Election Day, now’s your chance to purchase a special keepsake of the 2006 gubernatorial election. Here’s the straight dope: ever since Jim officially jumped into the sack with the Christian Right and the Democrats unveiled their new dance last week, “The Nussle Hustle,” Jimbo has been a little on edge. Consequently, he’s tightened the leash on yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, meaning he’s cut off my allowance, claiming, “Everyone needs to make a sacrifice during the final push of the campaign and that includes you, Jimmy.” No worries folks; hustlin’ is in my blood and now you can be a blood brother or sister by donning your very own NU$$LE & FLOW t-shirt. And if this isn’t enough to inspire you to bust out the plastic, then check out:

Jimmy the Hustler’s Top 8 Reasons Why You Should
Buy a NU$$LE & FLOW T-Shirt:

8. It’s $9,985 cheaper than having your picture taken with George W. Bush

7. They make great gifts for that special mistress in your life (eh Jim?)

6. It will keep Jimmy the Hustler off all five street corners of Iowa

5. It's the official t-shirt of the Iowa Pro-Lifers for the Reinstatement of the Death Penalty (IPLRDP)

4. They’re the new rage* in Manchester, Iowa
(*The t-shirts, not the Nussles)

3. They make great conversation starters at political and church functions

2. Bob Vander Plaats bought one

1. Jimmy needs the extra cheddar to help support his blogging fix and habit of writing about himself in the third person

Friday, September 08, 2006

"Nussle Hustle" Helps Feed Nussle's Muse

The Democrats' new song, “Nussle Hustle,” a parody of the classic ‘70s hit “The Hustle,” has sparked Nussle’s muse, yours truly: Jimmy the Hustler. I remember when, before he sold his soul to the Republican Party, Jim harbored fantasies of becoming a professional dancer. Countless evenings, spent alone in his Manchester home, Jim would play “The Hustle” on his 8-track player and dance the forbidden dance. These memories, along with my years in D.C., have inspired me to pen the following parody based on the Oscar-winning ditty of the same name:

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp

You know it’s hard out there for a pimp
When hustlin' yo’ money for big government
For the Pentagon and tax money spent
Because a whole lot of bureaucrats talkin’ change
Will have a whole lot of bureaucrats takin’ change

In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in D.C.
Gotta couple lobbyists workin’ on the changes for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like G-Dub on game night
Like takin’ money from big oil, I know that ain’t right
Done seen people killed, done seen people beg and plea
Done seen people live in poverty on my big-screen TV
It’s messed up where I live, but that’s just how it is,
It might be new to you, but it’s been like that for years
It’s blood, sweat, and tears when it comes to hustlin’ for big government
I’m trying to get rich ‘fore I leave my D.C. penthouse tenement
Takin’ my hustle to all five corners of Iowa
Prayin’ and hopin’ to God my D.C. hustle doesn’t slip, yeah

You know it’s hard out there for a pimp
When hustlin' yo’ money for bigger government
For the Pentagon and tax money spent
Because a whole lot of bureaucrats talkin’ change
Will have a whole lot of bureaucrats takin’ change

Man it seems like I’m duckin’ and dodgin' bullets everyday
Liberals hatin’ on me cause I got nothin’ new to say
But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water
Couldn’t keep up with my special interests, that’s when hustlin’ got harder
Manchester is where I’m from; Terrace Hill is where I’m bound
Where da people’s voices ain’t gonna be found
Man these peeps think thangs are gonna change fo’ the best
They’ll come hopin’ ever night, they don’t end up broke ‘n’ homeless
Wait, I’ll bend an ear for the workers too
You pay the right price and I’ll help yo’ money work for you
That’s the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin’
Gotta have my hustle tight, makin’ change off the voters, yeah

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Nussle Adopts “Duck & Cover” Strategy to Combat Wedge Issues

It was only a matter of time before the Wedge issues would manifest in the campaign, only this time it was the Democrats who drew first blood, pouncing on Jim’s equivocal responses on a survey that the Nussle campaign* completed for a voter guide published by Project Vote Smart, a nonpartisan group (I told Jimbo to guess ‘C’ and warned him that one day his standardized test responses would come back to haunt him.). In the survey, the eight-term congressman indicated support for legal abortion only in the first trimester, a departure from how he has completed the surveys in past campaigns.

Fortunately, Jim has adopted a policy and political strategy for dealing with incoming Wedge Bombs, or W-bombs. Using the underlying principles of the “Duck and Cover” program adopted by Americans during the 1950s, Nussle has implemented a similar policy. In the 1950s, American citizens were trained to seek cover whenever they heard a siren, the siren indicating an incoming nuclear warhead. The idea behind the program was that if a careful citizen were to hide underneath, let’s say a school desk, they would be safe from the immediate impact of the nuclear warhead. This would provide a temporary reprieve and after the initial impact, one could seek a nearby shelter and wait until the nuclear fallout had completely “settled.”

Jim’s “Duck and Cover” policy takes a similar approach. When Jim’s political base gets a signal, usually a press release from his campaign, supporters are conditioned to seek refuge and assume the official Duck and Cover position (coined the C Cubed Method: Close your eyes, Cup your hands over your ears, and Cry “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..” over and over until the W-bomb has hit and the subsequent political fallout has had adequate time to settle).

In the meantime, Nussle and his Campaign have adopted the following defense measures to help facilitate “damage control” and expedite the post-W-bomb fallout process, thus providing his base with the necessary reassurance that the Liberals have not landed and the world is not going to “hell in a hand basket.”

When a W-Bomb hits:

*SEPARATE & RETURN FIRE: The key to quickly diffusing a W-bomb is to immediately separate oneself from the issue by creating a wedge between you and the issue. Never speak directly, but rather, employ your Campaign, your campaign manager, or your running mate to speak for you, defending you while simultaneously attacking your opponent. This way you cannot be linked or nailed down to having directly stated a clear position. (This strategy has been thoroughly effective for Mafia kingpins and has seen similar success with Don Nussle.)

News Release from Nick Ryan, Nussle’s Campaign Manager:

Defend: "Jim Nussle is 100% pro-life and his 16 year record serving Iowa illustrates his commitment to always choosing life. Jim is proudly pro-life and has not changed his position on this issue. As Governor, Jim will sign legislation that supports and encourages taking steps toward a society that continues to respect and value life. Currently in Iowa, it is legal to have an abortion in the second or third trimester. Jim would sign a law that bans second and third trimester abortions because it saves lives. Jim does not personally favor first trimester abortions.”

Attack: “Jim has always been and will continue to be abundantly clear about his positions on these issues, unlike his opponent who has chosen to hide his extreme, liberal positions from voters by failing to even have the courage to respond to nonpartisan surveys like this. It is clear one reason Chet Culver does not want to debate is to further hide his liberal views from Iowans. Iowans deserve better from Chet Culver - it is beneath a candidate for Governor to duck, run, and hide his positions on important issues from voters."

Statement issued by Bob Vander Plaats (on behalf of Jim Nussle):

Defend: "Jim Nussle has a 100% Pro-Life voting record, he has a hundred percent rating from the Nation Right To Life organization, the Family Research Council, he is a hundred percent Pro-Life.”

Attack: “But I think it shows our opponent would love to make this debate about abortion, to make it an emotional issue so we don't have to talk about rating the IPERS fund to invest in high-risk start-up company's."**

(**Note: The counter-attack doesn’t have to be relevant to the issue at hand, and in fact, it’s preferred that an irrelevant issue is employed -- so as to divert the electorate form the W-bomb’s impact.)

DIVORCE: If the SEPARATE & RETURN FIRE should prove ineffective, the next measure is to divorce oneself from the issue, either ignoring the issue entirely or pretending it never happened. This strategy should not be confused with the traditional state-of-denial strategy, because in effect, the SRF strategy relinquishes the intended target from any responsibility for having directly said anything in the first place.

Statement issued by Jimmy the Hustler (on behalf of Jim Nussle):

“Jim’s Duck and Cover policy has a proven track record. It’s not only been used successfully in his political career, but it proved effective when W-bombs such as Infidelity, Adultery, and Divorce fell in to his lap while campaigning in the mid-‘90s. Opponents tried to dog Nussle with these bombs, especially since he was running on a Family Values platform, but Jim was able to employ the DIVORCE component of the ‘Duck and Cover’ plan and was successful, both figuratively and literally.”

With less than two months remaining before the election, I recommend that you adopt or review your own “Duck & Cover” contingency plan; it may one day save your life…

Monday, September 04, 2006

Nussle Takes Day Off from Scapegoating Unions

While most Americans celebrated Labor Day by picnicking with families, attending parades, shopping, or wondering why the mailman didn’t deliver their unemployment check, Jim took a reprieve from the campaign trail and made a vow to spend the whole day without scapegoating the unions for all of our economic woes. I hope all you folks in the labor and teacher unions enjoyed your day of rest, because, trust me, Jim will be back with a vengeance. In the meantime, Jim’s put his favorite attack dog, Nick Ryan (alias: campaign manager), to work, sicking him on Culver and Chet’s unwillingness to debate our beloved master all eight times.

Now we all know that during his congressional tenure, Jim hasn’t been a big supporter of labor unions, but in Jim’s defense, show me one Republican who has, and I’ll show you a congressman at the bottom of the East River wearing cement-filled Crocks.

Lately, Jim’s received a lot of flack for promising to raise the federal minimum wage from the stagnated $5.15 an hour, saying the raise is “long overdue.” And so what if Jim voted against raising the minimum wage every time it came up for a vote. And so what if Jim voted himself a pay raise every time it’s come up. What people tend to forget during these partisan politic wars is just how much purchasing power a $5.15 wage earner has in the good ol’ U.S.A.

Jimmy the Hustler’s Minimum Wage Purchasing Power Index:

(Note: The following is based on a single wage earner making $5.15/hour and their purchasing power after taxes (est. 28%))

Number of months it would take a single wage earner to surpass the threshold poverty line for the year 2005: 16.1 months

Amount Congress members pay has gone up since the last time they voted to increase the minimum wage: $31, 600

Number of years it would take a single wage earner to match pay raises Congress has voted for themselves since the last time they raised the minimum wage: 4.4 years

Number of months it would take for a single wage earner to match last year’s pay raise for congress members: 5.2 months

Number of months it would take a single wage earner to have his picture taken with George W. Bush at Jim Nussle fundraiser: 16.9 months

Minimum wage rate if workers’ wages had increased at the same rate of CEO pay since 1990: $23.03/hour

Number of yearly minimum-wage salaries Jim could have paid out with money he spent on his 2004 campaign: 228

Friday, September 01, 2006

Nussle Wants to Replace “Doublespeak” with “Nusslespeak”

Jim Nussle said that it would be a significant human lapse in management miscalculation (stupid human error) to remove “doublespeak” from his campaign bid for Governor. Doublespeak is Iowa’s unofficial political language and is defined as the language used to deliberately construct, disguise, or distort its actual meaning with the intent of confusing non-doublespeaking Iowans about the true intentions of the candidate. Nussle says it’s time for like-minded people to stop apologizing for telling uninformed voters it’s important to learn Doublespeak. Nussle also said,“To unambiguously explain to voters that they can survive in our society these days without recognizing they’re being continuously manipulated by Doublespeak is a big mistake. Iowa voters need to know when and how they’re being manipulated, so they can actively engage in the manipulation process, thus becoming better-informed citizens and proud participants in a collectively duped society.”

Nussle would like to take the level of political discourse one step lower by advocating his own version of neo-Doublespeak, “Nusslespeak.” Doublespeak implies there are two meanings and Nussle would like to help simplify the rhetorical process by reducing language and political discourse to just one meaning, Jim’s meaning -- or “Nusslespeak.” Internal polling at “Nussle & Flow” indicate that the less potential voters know about an issue, the more informed they feel about their decisions when it comes to participating in the manipulative process.

To help voters become better informed citizens (see glossary) and fully participate in the manipulative political process, the downsized staff of “Nussle & Flow” has created an abridged glossary of terms and Nusslespeak translations. Here are just a few:

accountability: holding individuals and the institutes they serve responsible for their actions, especially to the taxpayers

Nusslespeak: accountability is primarily reserved for the public schools and does not include officials elected to either the legislative or executive branches of government* or corporations who contribute large sums of unmarked bills to Republican campaigns (buzz words: standardized testing, moral obligation)

*This includes extra-marital affairs and/or other biblical sins.

big government: multiple layers of bureaucracy piled upon one another, thus making government less effective/efficient; Outside corporate factors which control all or part of the government

Nusslespeak: friends (campaign contributors) who support Nussle’s policies. (buzzwords: NCLB, Office of Inspector General, Blue Ribbon Commission, statewide education standards)

economic development: luring businesses to Iowa with the intent of lining pockets of wealthiest Americans who reside outside of the state

Nusslespeak: payback time for fiends in D.C. (buzz words: corporate hog lots, outsourcing, tax cuts)

informed citizens: people whose main source of information doesn’t come from FOX News

Nusslespeak: base voters and/or the roughly 49% (or less) of voting pool, who, because they’re informed about all of the candidates, choose not to vote for anyone (buzz words: Nussle supporters)

quality of life: improving the overall quality of life for ALL straight, white Iowans, who are middle-class or above

Nusslespeak: deporting illegal immigrants, outlawing gay marriage, recapturing the “whitest” state crown, transplanting D.C. culture in Iowa (buzzwords: immigration reform, homosexual agenda)