Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part I of the Trilogy)

I thought Jim had pacified the Christian Right when he threw them a political bone by naming Bob Vander Plaats as his running mate. But as I was walking by the “George W. Bush Bobble-Head Room,” or what Jim calls the “War Room,” I couldn’t help but overhear Jim playing a solitary game of “She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not,” only Jim had substituted She with They. After careful eavesdropping, I deduced the They to be the “Christian Right” in this particular context since Jim was referencing his past stances on abortion. I’ve written the following transcript of Jim’s soliloquy for yours truly, dear reader, performed for the beloved and omnipresent Christian Right I presume:

There are no conditions under which a woman should be allowed to get an abortion…They love Me…

I will allow exceptions for rape and incest…They love Me naught…

Women should have the right to choose in the first trimester…They love Me naught…

Yes, yes, I must stick to my guns, women should be allowed an abortion in the first trimester…They still love Me not…

(Remissive) Okay, okay…All abortions should be banned (pause)…They love Me… (trepidation in his voice)…With the exception of saving the mother’s life?...(lightning strikes outside War Room window) They still love Me naught…

All abortions with NO exceptions, even to save a mother’s life, should be outlawed and deemed a criminal offense…They love Me! The love Me!! They do so love Me!!!

Before Jim had a chance to fall into a narcissistic stupor requiring immediate medical attention and/or he changed his mind yet again, I slithered off to the study and penned this blog entry and the treatment for the new screenplay:

COMING SOON TO A POLITICAL THEATER NEAR YOU:

Dr Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part II of the Trilogy)…