Monday, September 18, 2006

Nussle Makes All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team

A number of people, namely those “pesky progressives,” have tried to paint my better half, Jim, as a Washington crony, who intends to corrupt Iowa politics with his adoptive D.C. culture. These folks clearly have yet to connect the dots, ALL of the dots. Any reputable conspiracy theorist, myself included, knows that ALL POLITCAL CONSPIRACY THEORIES BEGIN AND END IN TEXAS. For all of you naysayers out there still living in political-la-la land, I suggest you call the conspiracy hotline @ 1-9/11-J.F.K.- Bush (1.911.535.2874) and get the straight dope.

Keeping the Texas-pipeline conspiracy theory modus operandi in mind, it’s not surprising that our boy, Jim Nussle, made the “All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team.” Hayden Fry’s recent endorsement helped give Jim just enough conspiratorial dots to land him on the first team. Here’s a rundown of some of the more notable Texas Conspirators who helped propel Jim’s campaign:

5. Hayden Fry: former Hall of Fame Coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes football team (1979-1998) who currently resides in Nevada, but occasionaly returns to Iowa to watch his former team and/or endorse political candidates by espousing what’s best for energizing Iowa’s future (other than hiring Kirk Ferentz of course)

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Told Ronnie Harmon to get a case of the “dropsies” in the 1985 Rose Bowl game against UCLA or he would be benched the rest of the game and his career in the pros would be over before he hit the locker room; the entire 1998 football season; painted the opposing team’s locker room pink because his wife told him to, not because he had a degree in psychology and was trying to psyche out the visiting team

Texas Connection: born in Eastland, Texas; coached at North Texas and SMU; befriended George H.W. Bush while coaching high school football in Odessa (hmmmm...interesting, very interesting)

Nussle Connection: Jim’s “friend,” endorsed Nussle for governor of Nevada, err…Iowa

4. Bob J. Perry: Current financier ($5 million since Aug. 18) of California 527 group, the Economic Freedom Fund; helped bankroll the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign in the 2004 presidential election -- which called John Kerry’s war record into question

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign; close ties to Tom Delay (see #2 and insert co-conspirator-by-association clause) or use facts to help connect the dots: gave $165,000 in the 2002 election cycle to Tom DeLay’s Texans for a Republican Majority political action committee (TRMPAC); in October 2002 they contributed $95,000 to Delay's Americans for a Republican Majority political action committtee (ARMPAC); Perry and his wife also contributed $10,000 to Tom Delay's defense fund

Texas Connection: born in rural Bosque County, Texas; currently resides in Houston where he oversees his homebuilding business, Perry Homes

Nussle Connection: financed Economic Freedom Fund which distributed mailers in Iowa supporting Jim’s gubernatorial campaign

3. Halliburton: founded in 1919, one of the largest providers of products and services to the gas and oil industries

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: company's relentless quest for profits helped fuel the controversial wars in Vietnam and Iraq (both of which were “declared” under false pretenses by Texan Presidents: Lyndon B. Johnson & “Tonkin Resolution”/George W. Bush & “Iraq Resolution”/Weapons of Mass Destruction)

Texas Connection: corporate roots drilled deep

Nussle Connection: Awarded $7 billion no-bid contract to Halliburton to help "rebuild" Iraq; voted to continue awarding no-bid contracts (“sweatheart deals”) despite Pentagon audit indicating more than $100 million of their contractor costs in Iraq to be unreasonable; to thank Jim for his loyalty, Halliburton gave $1000 to Nussle’s campaign

2. Tom Delay: stepped down from role as Speaker of the House when series of indictments regarding corruption began trickling downward

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Too many to list all without having to create website solely dedicated to Tom DeLay, starting with Tom's unconstitutional redistricting of Texas congressional lines and working backwards until connecting DeLay’s role with having Lucifer cast down to hell indefinately with no chance of redeeming his good name (and who said Guantanamo Bay doesn’t have a precedent?)

Texas Connection: born in Laredo, Texas; spent 2 years attending Baylor University until he was expelled for drinking and vandalism; due to playboy reputation, DeLay was nicknamed “Hot Tub Tom” during his time in the Texas Legislature

Nussle Connection:
received $15,020 from Tom DeLay’s ARMPAC

1. George W. Bush: alleged President of the United States of America

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: his entire presidency -- every action or inaction during Bush’s tenure has been attributed with some conspiracy theory

Texas Connection: family moved to Midland, Texas when George was 2; during height of Vietnam War, in May of 1968, Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard (hmmm…who was President at the time? I’ll let you connect the dots, dear reader)

Nussle Connection: Adoptive father in D.C.; helped Jim raise $1 million during fundraiser in Des Moines -- where Bush prostituted himself by letting donors have their pictures taken with the him at $10,000 a bang (haven’t heard much from George since his approval rating plummeted)

*Like Electability, Global Warming, and Creationism, these are simply theories. It’s up to you, dear reader, to discern fact from fiction.

Having connected a plethora of dots, I’m wondering what will happen on November 7th? No sense taking any chances, especially since Jim’s opponent is the Secretary of State. I’m looking into some beach-front time shares in Texas.

If any of you have conspiracy theories about Jim Nussle you’d like to unburden from your soul, feel free to leave a comment, thus purging yourself publicly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha! good stuff!

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Count said...

Ha yea good stuff. You can tell by the amount of comments.

6:35 PM  

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