Nussle Adopts “Duck & Cover” Strategy to Combat Wedge Issues
Fortunately, Jim has adopted a policy and political strategy for dealing with incoming Wedge Bombs, or W-bombs. Using the underlying principles of the “Duck and Cover” program adopted by Americans during the 1950s, Nussle has implemented a similar policy. In the 1950s, American citizens were trained to seek cover whenever they heard a siren, the siren indicating an incoming nuclear warhead. The idea behind the program was that if a careful citizen were to hide underneath, let’s say a school desk, they would be safe from the immediate impact of the nuclear warhead. This would provide a temporary reprieve and after the initial impact, one could seek a nearby shelter and wait until the nuclear fallout had completely “settled.”
Jim’s “Duck and Cover” policy takes a similar approach. When Jim’s political base gets a signal, usually a press release from his campaign, supporters are conditioned to seek refuge and assume the official Duck and Cover position (coined the C Cubed Method: Close your eyes, Cup your hands over your ears, and Cry “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..” over and over until the W-bomb has hit and the subsequent political fallout has had adequate time to settle).
In the meantime, Nussle and his Campaign have adopted the following defense measures to help facilitate “damage control” and expedite the post-W-bomb fallout process, thus providing his base with the necessary reassurance that the Liberals have not landed and the world is not going to “hell in a hand basket.”
When a W-Bomb hits:
News Release from Nick Ryan, Nussle’s Campaign Manager:
Defend: "Jim Nussle is 100% pro-life and his 16 year record serving Iowa illustrates his commitment to always choosing life. Jim is proudly pro-life and has not changed his position on this issue. As Governor, Jim will sign legislation that supports and encourages taking steps toward a society that continues to respect and value life. Currently in Iowa, it is legal to have an abortion in the second or third trimester. Jim would sign a law that bans second and third trimester abortions because it saves lives. Jim does not personally favor first trimester abortions.”
Attack: “Jim has always been and will continue to be abundantly clear about his positions on these issues, unlike his opponent who has chosen to hide his extreme, liberal positions from voters by failing to even have the courage to respond to nonpartisan surveys like this. It is clear one reason Chet Culver does not want to debate is to further hide his liberal views from Iowans. Iowans deserve better from Chet Culver - it is beneath a candidate for Governor to duck, run, and hide his positions on important issues from voters."
Statement issued by Bob Vander Plaats (on behalf of Jim Nussle):
Defend: "Jim Nussle has a 100% Pro-Life voting record, he has a hundred percent rating from the Nation Right To Life organization, the Family Research Council, he is a hundred percent Pro-Life.”
Attack: “But I think it shows our opponent would love to make this debate about abortion, to make it an emotional issue so we don't have to talk about rating the IPERS fund to invest in high-risk start-up company's."**
(**Note: The counter-attack doesn’t have to be relevant to the issue at hand, and in fact, it’s preferred that an irrelevant issue is employed -- so as to divert the electorate form the W-bomb’s impact.)
DIVORCE: If the SEPARATE & RETURN FIRE should prove ineffective, the next measure is to divorce oneself from the issue, either ignoring the issue entirely or pretending it never happened. This strategy should not be confused with the traditional state-of-denial strategy, because in effect, the SRF strategy relinquishes the intended target from any responsibility for having directly said anything in the first place.
Statement issued by Jimmy the Hustler (on behalf of Jim Nussle):
“Jim’s Duck and Cover policy has a proven track record. It’s not only been used successfully in his political career, but it proved effective when W-bombs such as Infidelity, Adultery, and Divorce fell in to his lap while campaigning in the mid-‘90s. Opponents tried to dog Nussle with these bombs, especially since he was running on a Family Values platform, but Jim was able to employ the DIVORCE component of the ‘Duck and Cover’ plan and was successful, both figuratively and literally.”
With less than two months remaining before the election, I recommend that you adopt or review your own “Duck & Cover” contingency plan; it may one day save your life…