Thursday, September 21, 2006

Nussle Unveils “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” Plan

The FIX is in, folks. With only 47 days left before the election, my Better Half has unveiled his “If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It” Plan (so much for his Grammatically-Correct English initiative). The key to effective advertising, whether it be a product or a candidate (I apologize for using redundancy again), is how you manipulate the public into buying into something they don’t really need, say a fully-loaded Hummer or the Truth – both of which can be extremely dangerous if not handled correctly. Using this precept, Jim plans on taking it one step further by creating the illusion that we need to fix something that isn’t really broken. It’s kind of like taking your car to a dealership for repairs. You take it in to have them fix the carburetor and you end up driving off the lot with new brakes, an air filter, and an electronic ashtray. How ingenious, indeed.

The key to this type of marketing is to find the perfect scapegoat, preferably a population that cannot vote -- such as convicted felons, children, or illegal immigrants. Jim has chosen to target illegal immigrants, making them the centerpiece of his plan.

Here are some examples that help illustrate Jim’s “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” plan:

The Problem: Illegal Immigrants Voting

It Ain’t Broke: No evidence of an Illegal Immigrant fraudulently voting

An unidentified illegal immigrant attempts to scale a heavily fortified fence in a small Missouri township, risking his life and the threat of deportation to vote in a local school board election

The Fix: Require voters to provide identification when voting, particularly focusing on Illegal Immigrants who don’t vote

Hidden Costs: Poll tax – voters will have to purchase government IDs/documents which will increase state revenues and help partially subsidize the new piece of legislation.

The Problem: Public Education Accountability

It Ain’t Broke: Students were already held accountable before the increased standardized testing mandate under the NCLB Act

The Fix: NCLB, implement more standards and testing at the state levels

Hidden Costs: More money spent on testing, district loses more local control, scarcity of political footballs come election season

The Problem: Iowa’s Budget

It Ain’t Broke: Balanced

The Fix: Supersize the government by adding more layers of bureaucracy and committees to implement ideas and policies which will help make the government even bigger.

Hidden Costs: Money spent on Red Tape will create a budget deficit

The Problem: White Flight

A proud member of the white race in Western Iowa crosses the border and emigrates to Nebraska, escaping the influx of non-white populations who have emigrated to Western Iowa with the hope of pursuing a lucrative career in farming

It Ain’t Broke: Iowa still ranks third as the whitest state in the nation

The Fix: Seize and Deport all illegal immigrants, maintain English as Iowa’s official language, import Danish immigrants to help replenish the political gene pool

Hidden Costs: The Dutch Letter Pastry industry will boom, flooding the market with Dutch Letters, consequently bringing the price down to the point Dutch Immigrants won’t be able to sustain their income on a minimum wage salary, forcing them to seek alternative employment which provides a living wage -- which will leave behind thousands of jobs nobody wants to do except the illegal immigrants who were already deported

Two plates of blackmarket Dutch Letters seized at the Iowa/Minnesota border (Note: good thing we didn't make Jim's native tongue, Dutch, the Official Language of Iowa, since they have only one letter, the letter 'S'. That would've been ssssssssssscandalousssssssss, eh Jim?)


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