Thursday, November 02, 2006

Nussle’s Empire Strikes Back in Northwest Iowa

Just when Jim thought it was safe to jump head first into the political water and had safely distanced himself from his adoptive father, George W. Bush -- whose approval rating in Iowa has submerged below the 33rd percentile -- the Imperial Empire decided it was time to strike back in Northwest Iowa. Be prepared Le Marsians, the Death Star will be landing on Friday by a silo near you.

For Christ’s sake, Jim, was this the best you could do in the midnight hour? There has to be a better way to whip up your conservative base. I thought it was hard out there for a pimp, but damn, try being the Prodigal Son of the George W. Bush. Interestingly enough, President Bush wasn’t Camp Nussle’s first choice for helping get the Conservative Right all riled up just before the election. Some people have a certain knack for tapping into the irrational vein, whether it be through incendiary language or by just showing up. Sometimes one’s mere presence is all that it takes to get the testosterone pumping through the blood stream and flooding the brain with superfluous blood. The following are just a few people the Nussle camp tried to book for the final leg of Jim’s Farewell Tour:

Cindy Sheehan: Nothing scares Hawk Conservatives more than the thought of a bunch of middle-aged mothers who lost their sons in Iraq running around the country inciting candle-light vigils. This is absolutely terrifying; it threatens every fiber of the former “Stay the Course” mentality, not to mention it only serves to threaten the security of our country. One sound bite of a peace-infested speech via Cindy Sheehan will be just enough to chase the neocons out of the woodwork and get them to the polls.

Rush Limbaugh: After his star-power shot up when he accused Michael J. Fox of exacerbating his Parkinson-disease related symptoms during a political commercial, he was an obvious choice, but a tough gig to book on such short notice. Nussle’s Camp was a wee bit concerned Rush may run into the same problem that Fox encountered when he over-medicated, the only difference being that when he does over-medicate, his pomposity symptoms manage to fall prey to outlandish hyperbole.

Osama bin Laden:
Nobody in the formerly free world gets the Republican base more revved up than the poster boy of terror himself, Osama bin Laden. Although, bin Laden is extremely difficult to book and is in popular demand on the Republican circuit, the Nussle Camp took their chances anyhow. One of my inside-sources confirmed this and went on to say that they would’ve settled for an Osama bin Laden bootleg video. Incidentally, according to another reliable source, President Bush put the kibosh on the release of any information regarding the whereabouts of Osama, and further hinted that the Master of Terror is packed on ice and stored in an airplane hangar located on Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas. Apparently, Bush gave explicit orders stating that the ice shouldn’t be broken until just before the ’08 election -- or in the case of a political emergency. Apparently the downfall of his Empire and the loss of his Prodigal Son did not qualify as a political emergency.

I hope Jim’s Daddy doesn’t pull another Dave Lamberti bit on the stump and use some other name that’s synonymous with Jim, like Luke -- or worse, Jimmy the Hustler…


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