Thursday, November 30, 2006

Rep. Steve King Wants to Protect "Precious Bodily Fluids"

Renown General Jack D. Ripper (left) once said: “…Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

In order to protect his own precious bodily fluids -- as well as the bodily fluids of his wife, three sons, wealthy campaign contributors, Christian Right Hawks, and anybody else who thinks we should keep sending more troops to Iraq but is unwilling to donate their own precious fluids to the global war effort – Rep. Steve King thinks the U.S. military should be expanded by 100,000 to 150,000 troops to help relieve the long-term burden on those already sacrificing their precious bodily fluids in Iraq and Afghanistan...

(Read more at "Political Fallout")

Monday, November 27, 2006

Black Friday: Only 710 Shopping Days Until '08 Election

The Christmas retail blitzkrieg began hitting the shelves days before Halloween hit full fruition, not even giving one of America’s favorite pagan holidays a chance to fully bask in its heathen glory. The same can be said about the midterm elections. The election victors had little time to celebrate before presidential hopefuls began stealing their thunder by throwing (or contemplating throwing) their names into the ’08 political cauldron.

And with only 710 day remaining before the presidential election, what better way to remind us of the election’s urgency than “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving when “common sense” becomes an oxymoron, as people subject themselves to a ritual that animals, had they been blessed with rationale thought, would have sacrificed for another helping of leftover turkey tofu.

As political junkies wait outside of Politicians ‘R Us SuperStore, the big question remains: What will be this election cycle’s hot new items? Here’s a preview of some products shoppers will have to look forward to when the revolving doors start spinning and voters make the mad scramble towards the “Presidential Hopeful Section”:

(Read more about the products at "Political Fallout")

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Invading Tom Vilsack’s MySpace

What could somebody like Tom Vilsack, Iowa Governor and presidential hopeful, have in common with somebody like me, a mere political satirist?

The answer: a 30-year old guy named Tom from Santa Monica, California -- who by the way could be the most popular man in the world, weighing in with a mere 133,070,457 friends on My Space. It helps that Tom is employed by My Space, but if the other Tom, the Vilsack Tom can tap into Tom’s network of friends, befriend these folks and get them to vote for him in the ’08 election, President Vilsacks’s “Friend Space” will mushroom exponentially, possibly helping him surpass My Space Tom’s popularity. Fortunately for Vilsack, Santa Clara Tom won’t be old enough to run for president in ’08, otherwise Vilsack would have to reassess his friendship with Tom. (Read more and help join the war effort at "Political Fallout")

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

King to Vacation in Iraq for Thanksgiving Holidays

Iowa's Master of Political Horror, Rep. Steve King, announced he was planning to make his fourth trip to Iraq to “get away from it all.” Sticking to his claim that the streets of Baghdad are safer than those of Washington, D.C., King decided he needed a taxpayer-financed vacation to help him relax and get in touch with himself before the Democrats took control of the House in January. (Read more at "Political Fallout")

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Vilsack Denies He's the Boogeyman

“A Nightmare on Elm Street,” begat Freddy Kruger, “Halloween” begat Michael Meyer, “Friday the 13th” begat Jason, “Child’s Play” begat Chucky, “The Night Before Christmas” begat Oogie Boogie,” “The Bush Dynasty” begat Dick Cheney, and now “The ’08 Iowa Caucuses” has begotten our own Boogeyman, Governor Tom Vilsack.

(Read more on "Political Fallout")

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Nussle & Flow's "Political Fallout"

Well folks, it was a good run, but it’s back to D.C. for yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. I just wanted to thank everyone for your support. I wanted to extend a special thank you to Jim Nussle, for making my job so easy. Thanks, Jim; I couldn’t have done it without you.

In the meantime, I plan on leaving this site up -- just in case I get an itch that needs scratching, although this is entirely dependent on Jim’s last few months on the Hill.

In the meantime, I would like to thank my Satiric Consultant and Ghost Writer, T.M. Lindsey, who by the way has recently begun a new site, “Political Fallout” -- a political satire site focusing on Iowa politics. Good luck, T.M.; I couldn’t have done it without you.

To help T.M. get jumpstarted, I helped collaborate on his debut post:

“Nussle and Bush: Two Lame Ducks in a Limo”

To further extend my gratitude, I also gave T.M. the “keys” to my site, so he can help promote his new endeavors on “Nussle & Flow.”

Here’s a teaser of the first post on “Political Fallout”:

With one hand on a bottle of "Nussle Water" and the other on the oh-sh*# handle, Jim Nussle secretly prays this is his last limo ride with his adoptive father, President Bush.

Jim Nussle and his adoptive father, President Bush, share a limousine ride back to D.C. after Nussle’s defeat in the Iowa Governor race. During the road trip, the two exchanged playful limericks, before engaging in an intellectual discourse about their Lame Duck Status. The following excerpts come from their unofficial transcript:

Lame-Duck Limericks:

The Lame-Duck Minority Blues, written and performed as a duet by Jim and George

They descended from the pearly gates of D.C.,
In an attempt to bankrupt Democracy;
Despite the Bush sightings,
Iowans weren’t biting:
Humbled, they hobbled home to their new minority.

Begin Lame-Duck discourse:

Bush: Well, Jim, now you’re lame, just like me…

Read more on “Political Fallout” and be sure to bookmark the new site and tell all your friends to do the same. Iowa politics will never be the same, "For every political action, there is an equal but opposite satiric reaction."

Humbly Yours,

Jimmy the Hustler

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Nussle Rules Out Career as Political Prognosticator

In case you are wondering, Jim Nussle is on the left. It appears "H & C" failed to recognize Jim, despite all the bright green Nussle signs in the background.

We all know that Jim has problems with fuzzy math, and when he uses these numbers to predict the future, his fuzzy math is merely exacerbated. The day before the election, Nussle appeared on the FOX News show, “Hannity and Colmes,” with fellow Republican Adulterer, Rudolph Giuliani (I mean c’mon folks, anybody named after Rudolph Valentino, “The Great Latin Lover,” is predestined to be a major player. Watch and see as he brings his A-game hustle to Iowa when he makes a run for the next president).

During the interview, Colmes confronted Nussle with the poll numbers from "The Des Moines Register," which indicated he trailed Culver by nine percentage points. Nussle shot back, “Don’t bet on the polls, Alan. Be careful…The Democrats bet on the polls last time, and they lost the election nationally….”

Unlike Colmes, who responded he doesn’t bet on polls and he’s not a betting man, I am a betting man. Any hustler who is in touch with his inner-pimp is a betting man. That’s the only way to keep the hustle alive, breathing steadily, until your next mark shows up and the hustle swings into rhetorical action.

The moment I heard Jim say this on FOX News, I contacted my bookie and bet the spread. I bet everything, and what do you know, “The Des Moines Register” was spot on. Thanks to Jimbo, I have a golden parachute to land with in January when Jim abandons me for the lobbying world -- which remind me of another lesson I learned in the world of hustling: Always have a “Plan B”tucked under your sleeve, because it’s hard out there for a pimp, eh Rudy?

(Be very careful ladies, one of these "Great Lovers" is coming to Iowa in an attempt to woo you and your vote. Keep your doors locked and don't answer any unauthorized numbers, for both men are said to be armed with an indefensible sex appeal and are to be considered dangerous.)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Nussle Defeat Inspires Ten Campaign Commandments

Forty-eight hours later and the residual effects of the post-election hangover have begun to dissipate. A lot of finger-pointing and infighting has ensued at Camp Nussle as the GOP attempts to determine: What went wrong? How could Nussle, the President’s Prodigal Son, possibly lose the bid for Iowa’s next governor? Jim’s Incredibly-Shrunken Inner-Circle is beside themselves, not to mention a number of hyperbolic accusations have been bantered about, ranging from home-bred conspiracy theories to the fix – meaning the fix is in (wink, wink), not that Nussle’s been neutered – either physically or politically.

I, the honorable Jimmy the Hustler refuse to engage in such counter-productive discourse, but rather, I would like to look to the future, so when the next GOP gubernatorial candidate comes rolling into town in 2010, he or she won’t suffer the same defeat as my better half, Jimbo, did in this year’s campaign. It is in this spirit I have analyzed Jim’s campaign, leaving no detail unattended, and have penned a document which I’ve petitioned to have mounted in every GOP campaign office across the state of Iowa.

The GOP Ten Campaign Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not have other pimps and/or hustlers before Me:

No real reason for including this commandment; I just like the way it sounded and like to be exalted every once in a great while.

2. Thou shalt not make sculpted images of “idols” and worship them:

For Christ’s sake, Jim, you’re 46 years old. It’s time to say good-bye to your George W. Bush bobble doll collection. It’s okay, Jimbo, they’ll make new friends with the thousands of abandoned beanie babies and Chucky dolls on the Island of Misfit Toys.

4. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath day and actually go to church every once in awhile

5. Thou shalt honor your father and mother and inner pimp:

Although Nussle did pay homage to his biological father at one of the debates, honored his adoptive father George W. Bush at another, and paid his respects to his mother throughout the campaign, Jim continually denied yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. He even took prescribed medicine to silence me, but guess what Jim, “I never drank the Kool-Aid.” Had you listened to me, you’d be out shopping and measuring drapes with Nancy Pelosi.

6. Thou shalt not commit murder:

Endorsing Capital Punishment in Iowa is still a bit too extreme but could gain traction if you endorsed killing corporate hog farmers who live outside the state but insist upon raping the land for profit.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and run on a moral agenda or make public vows to protect the sanctity of marriage:

C’mon Jim, everyone knows, even Iowans, that the institution of marriage is no longer sacred. You’d have a better chance of protecting the sanctity of Capital Hill.

8. Thous shalt not steal platform ideas from thy enemy and accuse the latter of having no plan why you espouse his plan as your own:

Ed Fallon you are not, Jimbo. This is called political plagiarism, Jim, and it only works when the teacher isn’t looking. Sorry, Jim, but the teachers were watching.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against an opponent (especially during a televised debate):

The TouchPlay machine “secret deal”? What’s up with that, Jimbo?

10. Thou shalt not covet the Christian Right:

Appointing Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats as your running mate and holding him up as the poster boy for the Christina Right was the beginning of the end. Sure we needed his base, his money, and we didn’t have to tap the social security lock box…errr campaign war chest to run a primary race, but Iowans feel threatened by someone who looks like a Charley McCarthy ventriloquist doll and says we should teach Intelligent Design in the classroom.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It's Hard Out There for a Republican...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Early Exit Poll Shows Nussle Full of Himself

An exit poll conducted in multiple counties across the state of Iowa by Jimmy the Hustler’s staff of undocumented workers indicates Gubernatorial Candidate Jim Nussle is “full of himself.”

Voters were asked:

Do you think Jim Nussle is full of:

a) Positive energy
b) Hot air
c) George Bush
d) The Christian Right
e) D.C. blood
f) Sexually repressed text messages
g) Elephant Dung
h) Himself

46% of those polled indicated they thought Nussle was “full of himself.”

Surprisingly 26% of those p0lled felt Nussle was “full of sexually repressed text messages” and were hoping they weren’t on his contact list. One voter responded, “Who knows when that thing is going to go off. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that message…”

Monday, November 06, 2006

Nussle Sings Own Rendition of “The Crying Game”

The smell of death has seeped its way into the Nussle Camp and has literally attached itself to Jim -- despite the seven showers he’s already taken. Believe me you, it’s going to be a long plane ride back home to D.C. During his seventh shower, I heard Jim singing a high-pitched parody of Culture Club’s “The Crying Game” – the theme song from one of Jimbo’s favorite films:

I know all there is to know about the hustlin’ game
I've had my share of the hustlin’ game
First there are promises, then there are lies
And before you know who you are
You’re sayin’ goodbye
One day soon I’m gonna tell Jimmy about the crying game
And if he knows maybe he’ll explain
Why there are heartaches, why there are tears
And what to do to stop feeling blue
When hustlin’ disappears I know all there is to know about the hustling game
I've had my share of the hustling game
First there are back-door promises, then there are lies
And then before you know who you are
You're sayin' goodbye
Don't want no more of the hustlin’ game
Don't want no more of the hustlin’ game
Don't want no more of the hustlin’ game
Don't want no more of the hustlin’ game

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bring Out Your Dead!!!

Cart Master: Bring out your dead! [clang]

Nussle: I'm not dead!!

Cart Master: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!

Iowa Voter: Yes, he is.

Nussle: I'm not!

Iowa Voter: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Nussle: I'm getting better!

Iowa Voter: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Cart Master: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

Nussle: I don't want to go on the cart!

Iowa Voter: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Cart Master: I can't take him.

Nussle: I feel fine!

Iowa Voter: Well, do us a favour.

Cart Master: I can't.

Iowa Voter: Well, can you come back Tuesday night? He won’t be long.

Cart Master: No, I’m heading to the First District. They’ve lost one today.

Iowa Voter: Well, when's your next round? It’s beginning to smell around here.

Cart Master: How about tomorrow?

Nussle: I think I'll go canvassing for votes.

Iowa Voter: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?

Nussle: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.

Cart Master: (clubs Nussle over head with Activist Judge Gavel*) Shut it!

Iowa Voter: Ah, thanks very much.

Cart Master: No problem.

*Stolen from “activist judge” who was appointed by George W. Bush

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Nussle’s Empire Strikes Back in Northwest Iowa

Just when Jim thought it was safe to jump head first into the political water and had safely distanced himself from his adoptive father, George W. Bush -- whose approval rating in Iowa has submerged below the 33rd percentile -- the Imperial Empire decided it was time to strike back in Northwest Iowa. Be prepared Le Marsians, the Death Star will be landing on Friday by a silo near you.

For Christ’s sake, Jim, was this the best you could do in the midnight hour? There has to be a better way to whip up your conservative base. I thought it was hard out there for a pimp, but damn, try being the Prodigal Son of the George W. Bush. Interestingly enough, President Bush wasn’t Camp Nussle’s first choice for helping get the Conservative Right all riled up just before the election. Some people have a certain knack for tapping into the irrational vein, whether it be through incendiary language or by just showing up. Sometimes one’s mere presence is all that it takes to get the testosterone pumping through the blood stream and flooding the brain with superfluous blood. The following are just a few people the Nussle camp tried to book for the final leg of Jim’s Farewell Tour:

Cindy Sheehan: Nothing scares Hawk Conservatives more than the thought of a bunch of middle-aged mothers who lost their sons in Iraq running around the country inciting candle-light vigils. This is absolutely terrifying; it threatens every fiber of the former “Stay the Course” mentality, not to mention it only serves to threaten the security of our country. One sound bite of a peace-infested speech via Cindy Sheehan will be just enough to chase the neocons out of the woodwork and get them to the polls.

Rush Limbaugh: After his star-power shot up when he accused Michael J. Fox of exacerbating his Parkinson-disease related symptoms during a political commercial, he was an obvious choice, but a tough gig to book on such short notice. Nussle’s Camp was a wee bit concerned Rush may run into the same problem that Fox encountered when he over-medicated, the only difference being that when he does over-medicate, his pomposity symptoms manage to fall prey to outlandish hyperbole.

Osama bin Laden:
Nobody in the formerly free world gets the Republican base more revved up than the poster boy of terror himself, Osama bin Laden. Although, bin Laden is extremely difficult to book and is in popular demand on the Republican circuit, the Nussle Camp took their chances anyhow. One of my inside-sources confirmed this and went on to say that they would’ve settled for an Osama bin Laden bootleg video. Incidentally, according to another reliable source, President Bush put the kibosh on the release of any information regarding the whereabouts of Osama, and further hinted that the Master of Terror is packed on ice and stored in an airplane hangar located on Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas. Apparently, Bush gave explicit orders stating that the ice shouldn’t be broken until just before the ’08 election -- or in the case of a political emergency. Apparently the downfall of his Empire and the loss of his Prodigal Son did not qualify as a political emergency.

I hope Jim’s Daddy doesn’t pull another Dave Lamberti bit on the stump and use some other name that’s synonymous with Jim, like Luke -- or worse, Jimmy the Hustler…