Nussle Defeat Inspires Ten Campaign Commandments

Forty-eight hours later and the residual effects of the post-election hangover have begun to dissipate. A lot of finger-pointing and infighting has ensued at Camp Nussle as the GOP attempts to determine: What went wrong? How could Nussle, the President’s Prodigal Son, possibly lose the bid for Iowa’s next governor? Jim’s Incredibly-Shrunken Inner-Circle is beside themselves, not to mention a number of hyperbolic accusations have been bantered about, ranging from home-bred conspiracy theories to the fix – meaning the fix is in (wink, wink), not that Nussle’s been neutered – either physically or politically.

I, the honorable Jimmy the Hustler refuse to engage in such counter-productive discourse, but rather, I would like to look to the future, so when the next GOP gubernatorial candidate comes rolling into town in 2010, he or she won’t suffer the same defeat as my better half, Jimbo, did in this year’s campaign. It is in this spirit I have analyzed Jim’s campaign, leaving no detail unattended, and have penned a document which I’ve petitioned to have mounted in every GOP campaign office across the state of Iowa.

The GOP Ten Campaign Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not have other pimps and/or hustlers before Me:

No real reason for including this commandment; I just like the way it sounded and like to be exalted every once in a great while.

2. Thou shalt not make sculpted images of “idols” and worship them:

For Christ’s sake, Jim, you’re 46 years old. It’s time to say good-bye to your George W. Bush bobble doll collection. It’s okay, Jimbo, they’ll make new friends with the thousands of abandoned beanie babies and Chucky dolls on the Island of Misfit Toys.

4. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath day and actually go to church every once in awhile

5. Thou shalt honor your father and mother and inner pimp:

Although Nussle did pay homage to his biological father at one of the debates, honored his adoptive father George W. Bush at another, and paid his respects to his mother throughout the campaign, Jim continually denied yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. He even took prescribed medicine to silence me, but guess what Jim, “I never drank the Kool-Aid.” Had you listened to me, you’d be out shopping and measuring drapes with Nancy Pelosi.

6. Thou shalt not commit murder:

Endorsing Capital Punishment in Iowa is still a bit too extreme but could gain traction if you endorsed killing corporate hog farmers who live outside the state but insist upon raping the land for profit.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and run on a moral agenda or make public vows to protect the sanctity of marriage:

C’mon Jim, everyone knows, even Iowans, that the institution of marriage is no longer sacred. You’d have a better chance of protecting the sanctity of Capital Hill.

8. Thous shalt not steal platform ideas from thy enemy and accuse the latter of having no plan why you espouse his plan as your own:

Ed Fallon you are not, Jimbo. This is called political plagiarism, Jim, and it only works when the teacher isn’t looking. Sorry, Jim, but the teachers were watching.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against an opponent (especially during a televised debate):

The TouchPlay machine “secret deal”? What’s up with that, Jimbo?

10. Thou shalt not covet the Christian Right:

Appointing Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats as your running mate and holding him up as the poster boy for the Christina Right was the beginning of the end. Sure we needed his base, his money, and we didn’t have to tap the social security lock box…errr campaign war chest to run a primary race, but Iowans feel threatened by someone who looks like a Charley McCarthy ventriloquist doll and says we should teach Intelligent Design in the classroom.