Friday, June 30, 2006

jimmy's journal: Bonbons and Flag Burning

Jimbo and I spent Tuesday glued to C-Span as we watched and prayed the gang on the other side of Corporate Hill would finally pass an amendment that would penalize unpatriotic people for desecrating our nation’s most sacred symbol, the flag. I could sense Jimbo was particular antsy, but no worries, Karen brought us a plate of bonbons and this seemed to passify Jimbo momentarily. That Karen is such a peach. If God ever created a woman who was a worthy exception for violating the sanctity of marriage, it was her. When Karen first stepped into our lives back on the Hill, I knew I wanted her, and I also knew it would be a soft sell on old Jimbo. As usual, I was right.

After inhaling a plateful of pinafores and several inflammatory speeches on the Senate floor, the Flag Desecration Amendment was rejected 66-34. So close, yet so far. I prepared myself for a good cry from the big lug. After his heavy sob session, I knew just the thing to help cheer Jimbo up. I brought out our scrap book, something that always seems to turn his frown upside down.

We began our trip down memory lane in 2003 when Jimbo cosponsored legislation to protect the American flag from desecration, which did pass through the House before failing in the Senate. I was so proud of Jimbo when he proclaimed: “"Our flag epitomizes all that is good, honorable and just about the United States. The flag symbolizes freedom, equal opportunity, religious tolerance and goodwill for other people of the world who share and admire our aspirations."

It was these inspiring words that made me proud to be an American as we embarked on our global trip shortly thereafter. Here are some highlights from our globetrotting expedition.

Upon arriving in Pakistan we were greeted by a Pakastani political entourage who were excited to see us. Jim wanted to meet with our new allies in the global "War on Terror." These gentlmen showed their enthusiasm, and Jim was quite pleased to see their fiery display of gratitude as they payed homage to the U.S. Flag manufacturing industry. Jim made a mental note (which I subsequently shredded) to send a personal letter to these folks in China and Malaysia, thanking them for their efforts and to inform them about the continued progress in the global market.

Our next stop was a Muslim Women Human Rights Peace Rally. Igniting a wake of enthusiasm wherever we went on our trip, Jim's presence could be felt at every stop. These women were no exception as they reached out to Jim and offered their many thanks. Jim was sincerely flattered by their aquiescence to patriarchal rule and made a mental note to make the preservation of women's rights the cornerstone of his gubernatorial bid in 2006. (This was also shredded by yours truly.)

During the trip Jim wanted to get a better sense of Iraqi teens, so we visited an Iraqi high school, and Jim had a chance to observe students during their lunch break. A group of students were playing a spirited game of what appeared to be an Iraqi adaptation of hacky sack, Jim surmised. Jim noted the main difference is that the students set the red, white, and blue hacky sacks afire, thus indicating the end of the game. Jim was pleased with the teenagers' capacity for innovation and quickly realized that American high schools would have to up the ante and set higher standards if they were going to compete with these kids on the global scale.

As predicted, this stroll down memory lane helped Jimbo put his disappointment aside. Jimbo sat there beaming with his dopy grin, and as if on cue, Karen entered the room with another helping of bonbons. God I love Amercia.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Haiku Version of Jim Nussle’s Plan to Energize Iowa’s Future

While Jim hits the campaign trail in Iowa, pretending to listen and care about voters and their concerns, my mind is prone to wandering and seeking refuge from the hustle. Often times my mind manages to find a temporary reprieve in the traditional Japanese form of poetry, the Haiku. I’ve composed the following Haiku’s to help illustrate Jim’s Plan to “Energize Iowa’s Future.”

Achieving World Class Education

Pick ‘A’ for vouchers.
Choose ‘B’ to end public schools.
Guess ‘C’ for more tests.

Creating Jobs and Growing Iowa’s Economy

Wait for tax cuts and
Trickle-down economics
To do their magic.

Making Iowa the Renewable Energy Capital of the World

Take over the world
By pushing ethanol fuels
On third-world countries.
(sinister laugh here)

Providing Affordable, Accessible Health Care

Siphon profits from
Medicare Prescription Plan
To insure my Peeps.*

*Peeps is slang for “friends” In this context, Jim’s talking about lobbyists pimping for the health industries.

Restoring the People’s Trust in Iowa Government

Build bureaucracy;
Supersize our government:
Keep the public guessing.

Improving Iowa’s Strong Quality of Life

Promote bigotry
By putting the homo back in

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Nussle: PBS Childrens' Programming Threatens "Quality of Life"

In an attempt to help protect the “Quality of Life” in Iowa, my better half, Jim Nussle, intends to vote along party lines in favor of cutting $115 million from PBS and National Public Radio stations. Under the guise of “educational programming,” the childrens’ programs are nothing more than byproducts of the liberal media’s attempt to expose impressionable children to their hidden agenda. When you start peeling back the bark, it’s not too dificult to see that these shows are a gateway to more dangerous liberal ideals such as homosexuality and illegal immigration. Furthermore, these shows pose a threat to our childrens’ security by exposing them to false notions and models of trust which may lead to risky behaviors like reaching out and helping strangers. We no longer live in Biblical times, and in a post-9/11 world it’s imperative that our children are taught to not trust anyone they don’t know - unless thoroughly vetted by their parents.

Exposing the liberal agenda

Bert and Ernie: These two “friends” have been sharing the same basement apartment on Sesame Street since the show’s inception. Albeit they have separate beds, but as was the case in the 1950s, you very well know they push the beds together when the lights go out. How do you think people are born, immaculate conception? Bert and Ernie merely serve as role models for homosexual experimentation have helped lay the groundwork for the recent push for same-sex marriage and have served as an inspiration for the Broadway hit, Avenue Q.

Rosita: This bilingual muppet emigrated from Mexico in 1993 and made her home on Sesame Street. Rosita (pictured with Elmo and Senator Jeff Roberts, a Republican from Alabama whose proposal to build a wall on the Mexican border will help keep Rosita's family from emigrating to the U.S. and threatening our national security) has yet to produce legal documentation regarding citizenship. This sends children the mixed message that it’s okay to break the law and enter our country illegally. Worse, Rosita has yet to assimilate to Iowa’s English Only Law and encourages children to do the same by openly teaching them Spanish on Sesame Street via “Spanish Word of the Day.” Rosita, whose full name is Rosita, La Mostrau de las Cuevas (“Monster of the Cave”), helps promote the gay agenda. Unbeknownst to many viewers, Rosita is a “fruit bat” – a clear indication of her homosexual tendencies - while her name symbolizes a closeted homosexual (the monster = homosexuality; the cave = the closet). I'm on to you Rosita; it's time to fly back to your bat cave before Gotham City gets wind of your bilingual ways (sinister laugh here).

Reading Rainbow: One doesn’t have to look too far to realize the liberal agenda undermining this show, which supposedly promotes learning through reading. The Reading Rainbow logo is less subtle in it’s perpetuation of the gay agenda. By adopting the gay community's rainbow flag, a symbol for diversity in the gay community and gay pride, it’s clear the show is attempting to expose children to gay lifestyles through logo branding. It's no coincidence Reading Rainbow dropped the tag line on its logo in 2005, "Open Books - Open Minds." We're well aware that reading books is a gateway to homosexuality; that's precisely why our President doesn't read, not because he can't but because he chooses not to.

Tinky Winky: Exposed by Jerry Falwell in 1997, Tinky Winky the Teletubby is an obvious gay role model. Don’t let Tinky’s “magic bag” and triangle antenna fool you. There’s no magic in homosexuality, and the triangular (another sign stolen by the gay community) antenna is a makeshift “gaydar” as it attempts to lure young, unsuspecting viewers into the immoral world of homosexuality. Tinky’s defenders claim he’s not heterosexual, but rather a metrosexual (male trait associated with having a strong aesthetic sense and spending a great amount of time and money on appearance and lifestyle). Give me a break, Tinky’s no more metrosexual than the young, sharp-dressed male Republican interns in D.C. are homosexuals. You don’t see any of them parading around D.C. with hot-red handbags.

Barney: This so-called Purple Dinasour of perpetual love threatens our children’s security by teaching them to befriend strangers. In one episode of Barney and Friends, Barney said, “A stranger is a friend you have not met yet…” This only teaches our children to let down their guard and makes them more susceptible to predators and potential pedophiles. In the age of Internet Predators we need to teach our children not to trust strangers, especially if they’re disguised as Purple Dinasours, or worse, Donkeys wearing red, white, and blue hats who try to peddle their liberal wares.

Get the Straight Dope: To learn more about the proposed budget cuts, read Rekha Basu's insightful column "Time to rally for public-broadcasting funds, again" in the Des Moines Register. Another recommended read can be found in the Boston Globe. Read statements of Public Broadcasters on PBS News.

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Program) to Act: Go to and sign an online petition appealing to your congresspersons to save PBS and NPR from funding cuts. Time is running out so D.A.R.E. to act now. Forward this post to anyone you know who might be willing to take action.