Nussle & Flow

President Bush Names Prodigal Son, Jim Nussle, White House Budget Director

2007-06-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

Jimmy the Hustler is BACK…in D.C.!!!

Bush and Nussle share a dubious laugh about their latest duping of the American people

After padding his resume with a failed Iowa gubernatorial bid and running Rudy Giuliani’s presidential bid into the ground as his top consultant, President Bush’s prodigal son is returning home to his adoptive father.

Throw in Nussle’s failures as House Budget Committee Chair -- while serving underneath his adoptive father’s watchful eye -- into the mix and what do you get?

Answer: A job as the White House Budget Director, that’s what.

Now that’s some serious hustling.

Political Fallout contacted Jimmy the Hustler (“Nussle & Flow”), who released the following statement:

We tried to work our hustle in Iowa, but these folks ain’t buying. Apparently, they weren't too hip about the prospects of my better half driving ‘em into bankruptcy. They’re not buying my boy Rudy’s New York hustle either, so it was only a matter of time before Jimbo was bound to take his A-game back to D.C. If we play our cards right, we have less than two years to help bankrupt the country and return to a Darwinian socio-economic paradigm -- where only the strongest will survive and political pimps, like yours truly, will rule the roost. It ain’t going to be easy to hustle the American people, especially with the Bossman’s approval ratings dipping below sea level, but that’s where I, Jimmy the Hustler, come into play.
Cross-Posted at Jimmy the Hustler's favorite site: "Political Fallout"

"Political Fallout" or Bust!!!

2006-12-29T09:14:00.000-06:00

"Nussle and Flow" has moved to "Political Fallout," your new home of political satire in Iowa. Jimmy the Hustler would like to thank you for reading his musings. Be sure to visit "Political Fallout," add your new bookmark, and spread the word.

Click here to read "Political Fallout" Now!!!

For every political action, there is an equal but opposite satiric reaction.

Straight Talkin’ McCain Declares “War on Bloggers”

2006-12-20T15:22:00.000-06:00

It appears Senator John McCain did not heed Jimmy the Hustler’s advice when his political posse commandeered Jim Nussle’s dispossessed campaign headquarters in Urbandale:

Get out! This office is possessed by demons hell bent on destroying those who attempt to dance with the Christian Right. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jim. Get out before it’s too late. If you choose to stay, I suggest leading with the left.

(Read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Newt Gingrich Threatens He’ll Run for President If…

2006-12-19T13:05:00.000-06:00

...the GOP frontrunners don’t get their heads out of their asses.

(Read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Bayh’s Run to the “Middle” Ends Before Passing “Go”

2006-12-18T14:36:00.000-06:00

The Democratic Leadership Corporation’s very own poster boy for “centrism,” Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana, announced he would no longer pursue his long-shot presidential candidacy in 2008. “The odds were always going to be very long for a relatively unknown candidate like myself, a little bit like David* and Goliath,**” Bayh said in a statement, further postulating, “whether there were too many Goliaths or whether I’m just not the right David.*** At the end of the day, I concluded that due to circumstances beyond our control*** the odds were longer than I felt I could possibly pursue.”

(Read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Immigration Roundup: Rep. Steve King’s Heart “Two Sizes Too Small”

2006-12-16T00:00:00.000-06:00

Rep. Steve King, Iowa’s Master of Political Horror and vigilant Crusader against illegal immigration, weighed in with his response to the recent raid on the Swift & Co. meatpacking plant in Marshalltown. King’s primary concern, given the thousands of workers at Swift, was the low arrest rate -- hypothesizing that some illegal immigrants “went through the net.” It appears King has been watching too may “Planet of the Apes'” films.

During a raid on Swift & Co. in Marshalltown, actor and NRA activist Charlton Heston, was ensnared by Homeland Security ICE agents. During an inerrogation, Heston's documents revealed his illegal alien status, and he was later deported to his homeland, The Planet of the Apes.

King also revealed his true "compassionate conservative" colors, claiming that some of the children, who were left behind, may be American citizens and will be cared for as such while their parents are deported. Further flexing his compassion muscle, King had these words for the children left behind: “If the family wants to be reunited, there is such a thing as a family reunion on the other side of the border.”

(Read post in its entirety at "Political Fallout")

It Can't Happen Here

2006-12-15T08:30:00.000-06:00

I just started reading Sinclair Lewis’s 1935 novel, It Can't Happen Here (Signet Classics):

“A cautionary tale about the fragility of Democracy. It is an alarming, eerily timeless look at how fascism could take hold in America. Written during the Great Depression, when the country was largely oblivious to Hitler’s aggression, it juxtaposes sharp political satire with the realistic rise of a president who becomes a dictator to save the nation from welfare cheats, rampant promiscuity, crime, and a liberal press.” (Book Jacket)

Sound familiar?

(Read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Waiting for Hillary (Act I, scene i)

2006-12-13T23:47:00.000-06:00

Waiting for Hillary: “A play in which nothing happens…”

World premier performed at Political Fallout’s Theatre of the Politically Absurd

Characters:

Estragon: former Al Gore Campaigner
Vladimir: former John Kerry Campaigner
Lucky: Jackass
Pozzo: Lucky’s Handler
Page

(Read Act I, scene i at "Political Fallout")

Kucinich Takes Time Off from Santa’s Workshop to Announce Candidacy

2006-12-12T19:06:00.000-06:00

(Read announcement and post at "Political Fallout")

Feeding the Satiric Muse: Now Serving My Presidential “Hot List”

2006-12-11T11:59:00.000-06:00

With all of the ’08 Presidential Hopeful Hot Lists already flooding the blogsphere (Common Iowan, John Deeth, Political Madman, Drew Miller, Political Forecast), I thought I would help contribute to the deluge (adding yet another layer to the ozone, eh Gore?) by focusing on the candidates’ potential for feeding the satiric muse.

(See list and read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Invading My Space: The “War on Toms” (Update 1)

2006-12-10T09:55:00.000-06:00

Tom Vilsack: 588 (376 on 11/25/06)

In an attempt to close the “Friend Gap” on My Space, I declared war on the Two Toms: Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom. Unfortunately the gap has only widened since Vilsack hit the campaign trial, making new friends in New Hampshire, Las Vegas, South Carolina, and other pit stops on the front end of the Presidential Caucus Trail of Tears.

(Read rest of post and join the war effort at "Political Fallout")

Got God?: Get Your Official Sam Brown Christian Conservative Values Scale

2006-12-08T07:15:00.000-06:00

Just in the Saint Nick of time, God’s Senator, Sam Brownback, came out of Kansas’s closet and announced he’s a “full-scale conservative.” In his bid to become God’s President, Brownback weighed in on his own Christian Conservative Ideology, tipping the scales on his new invention and campaign product, The Official Sam Brownback Christian Conservative Values Scale. Self-anointed, “The Chosen One,” Brownback announced plans to form an exploratory committee in Iowa and plans to set up temples across the state to help spread the Boss’s word through his candidacy. The Brownback Camp, having recently come down from Brownback Mountain, plans to test market the new scale in Iowa -- so the people can figure out just how Christian they are, erasing any pre-existing ambiguities. Here’s a sneak preview of an advertisement:

(See ad and read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Vilsack’s “V”: What’s in a Letter? (Part I)

2006-12-06T10:16:00.000-06:00

The following is excerpted from the Democratic Leadership Corporation’s theatrical work-in-progress, The Tragedy of Hillary and Vilsack:

HILLARY

‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy,--
Thou art thyself, though not a Vilsack.
What’s Vilsack? It is not hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? That which we call a Republican
By any other name would smell of defeat…

& VILSACK

When Governor Tom Vilsack announced he was running for President, there’s been more buzz about his campaign logo than his actual candidacy. Regardless of what people are talking about, there still talking about Vilsack – for now, anyhow. The big question still remains: What’s up with the “V”?

To look deeper into this, Political Fallout will unfold a V-part series which examines the possible subtext, allusions, hidden meanings, and/or prophetic implications of Vilsack’s “V”.

(Read rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Presidential Hopeful Bayh Warns Democrats About Being Too Democratic

2006-12-05T09:21:00.000-06:00

On the heels of forming a presidential exploratory committee, the Democratic Leadership Poster Boy, Evan Bayh, issued a warning to Congressional Democrats: I WANT YOU to be very, very careful about being too Democratic. This is not the time for partisan politics, ideology, or representing your constituents and their ideologies. All I am saying… is “Give Centrism a Chance!”

(Read rest of post and "Top 5 Signs the Democrats are Being Too Democratic" at "political Fallout")

McCain to Possess and Exorcise Nussle’s Old Office

2006-12-04T08:00:00.000-06:00

U.S. Senator John McCain’s exploratory committee used this Sabbath day to exorcise the demons of Jim Nussle’s former campaign headquarters in Urbandale. Despite the presence of moral and political demons left behind by Nussle during his failed bid for Iowa Governor, McCain plans to take his chances and open his state campaign headquarters on Monday.

On Friday, McCain’s staff received a certified letter from Jimmy the Hustler warning McCain of the potential dangers of taking possession of the office:

(Read Jimmy's letter and rest of post at "Political Fallout")

Draft King's Sons by Instating Undeclared Draft

2006-12-01T21:14:00.001-06:00

Upon his return from a backstage visits to the “Theaters of Global War on Terror,” Iowa’s very own Master of Horror, Rep. Steve King, suggested we supply the theaters with an additional 100,000 – 150,000 troops. Invariably, whenever talk of donating, sacrificing, or the spilling of “precious bodily fluids” is bantered about by the Masters of War, you can guarantee talk of reinstaeting the draft will rear its head, just long enough to be picked off by some political hawk who’s trying to protect his own “precious bodily fluids”.

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) has proposed that we reinstate the draft, and King characterized his proposal as a political move (Aren’t all politicians’ moves political?) King contends we need to focus on more aggressive recruitment efforts.

I agree with both of them. We need to arm military recruiters with more weapons by instituting an Undeclared Draft, or what I would like to call, “The Undeclared Draft Act.”

(Read more and sign online petition at "Political Fallout".)

Draft King's Sons by Instating Undeclared Draft

2006-12-01T21:14:00.000-06:00

Rep. Steve King Wants to Protect "Precious Bodily Fluids"

2006-11-30T12:03:00.000-06:00

Renown General Jack D. Ripper (left) once said: “…Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

In order to protect his own precious bodily fluids -- as well as the bodily fluids of his wife, three sons, wealthy campaign contributors, Christian Right Hawks, and anybody else who thinks we should keep sending more troops to Iraq but is unwilling to donate their own precious fluids to the global war effort – Rep. Steve King thinks the U.S. military should be expanded by 100,000 to 150,000 troops to help relieve the long-term burden on those already sacrificing their precious bodily fluids in Iraq and Afghanistan...

(Read more at "Political Fallout")

Black Friday: Only 710 Shopping Days Until '08 Election

2006-11-27T22:52:00.000-06:00

The Christmas retail blitzkrieg began hitting the shelves days before Halloween hit full fruition, not even giving one of America’s favorite pagan holidays a chance to fully bask in its heathen glory. The same can be said about the midterm elections. The election victors had little time to celebrate before presidential hopefuls began stealing their thunder by throwing (or contemplating throwing) their names into the ’08 political cauldron.

And with only 710 day remaining before the presidential election, what better way to remind us of the election’s urgency than “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving when “common sense” becomes an oxymoron, as people subject themselves to a ritual that animals, had they been blessed with rationale thought, would have sacrificed for another helping of leftover turkey tofu.

As political junkies wait outside of Politicians ‘R Us SuperStore, the big question remains: What will be this election cycle’s hot new items? Here’s a preview of some products shoppers will have to look forward to when the revolving doors start spinning and voters make the mad scramble towards the “Presidential Hopeful Section”:

(Read more about the products at "Political Fallout")

Invading Tom Vilsack’s MySpace

2006-11-25T23:32:00.000-06:00

What could somebody like Tom Vilsack, Iowa Governor and presidential hopeful, have in common with somebody like me, a mere political satirist?

The answer: a 30-year old guy named Tom from Santa Monica, California -- who by the way could be the most popular man in the world, weighing in with a mere 133,070,457 friends on My Space. It helps that Tom is employed by My Space, but if the other Tom, the Vilsack Tom can tap into Tom’s network of friends, befriend these folks and get them to vote for him in the ’08 election, President Vilsacks’s “Friend Space” will mushroom exponentially, possibly helping him surpass My Space Tom’s popularity. Fortunately for Vilsack, Santa Clara Tom won’t be old enough to run for president in ’08, otherwise Vilsack would have to reassess his friendship with Tom. (Read more and help join the war effort at "Political Fallout")

King to Vacation in Iraq for Thanksgiving Holidays

2006-11-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

Iowa's Master of Political Horror, Rep. Steve King, announced he was planning to make his fourth trip to Iraq to “get away from it all.” Sticking to his claim that the streets of Baghdad are safer than those of Washington, D.C., King decided he needed a taxpayer-financed vacation to help him relax and get in touch with himself before the Democrats took control of the House in January. (Read more at "Political Fallout")

Vilsack Denies He's the Boogeyman

2006-11-21T11:13:00.000-06:00

“A Nightmare on Elm Street,” begat Freddy Kruger, “Halloween” begat Michael Meyer, “Friday the 13th” begat Jason, “Child’s Play” begat Chucky, “The Night Before Christmas” begat Oogie Boogie,” “The Bush Dynasty” begat Dick Cheney, and now “The ’08 Iowa Caucuses” has begotten our own Boogeyman, Governor Tom Vilsack.

(Read more on "Political Fallout")

Nussle & Flow's "Political Fallout"

2006-11-18T10:48:00.000-06:00

Well folks, it was a good run, but it’s back to D.C. for yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. I just wanted to thank everyone for your support. I wanted to extend a special thank you to Jim Nussle, for making my job so easy. Thanks, Jim; I couldn’t have done it without you.

In the meantime, I plan on leaving this site up -- just in case I get an itch that needs scratching, although this is entirely dependent on Jim’s last few months on the Hill.

In the meantime, I would like to thank my Satiric Consultant and Ghost Writer, T.M. Lindsey, who by the way has recently begun a new site, “Political Fallout” -- a political satire site focusing on Iowa politics. Good luck, T.M.; I couldn’t have done it without you.

To help T.M. get jumpstarted, I helped collaborate on his debut post:

“Nussle and Bush: Two Lame Ducks in a Limo”

To further extend my gratitude, I also gave T.M. the “keys” to my site, so he can help promote his new endeavors on “Nussle & Flow.”

Here’s a teaser of the first post on “Political Fallout”:

With one hand on a bottle of "Nussle Water" and the other on the oh-sh*# handle, Jim Nussle secretly prays this is his last limo ride with his adoptive father, President Bush.

Jim Nussle and his adoptive father, President Bush, share a limousine ride back to D.C. after Nussle’s defeat in the Iowa Governor race. During the road trip, the two exchanged playful limericks, before engaging in an intellectual discourse about their Lame Duck Status. The following excerpts come from their unofficial transcript:

Lame-Duck Limericks:

The Lame-Duck Minority Blues, written and performed as a duet by Jim and George

They descended from the pearly gates of D.C.,
In an attempt to bankrupt Democracy;
Despite the Bush sightings,
Iowans weren’t biting:
Humbled, they hobbled home to their new minority.

Begin Lame-Duck discourse:

Bush: Well, Jim, now you’re lame, just like me…

Read more on “Political Fallout” and be sure to bookmark the new site and tell all your friends to do the same. Iowa politics will never be the same, "For every political action, there is an equal but opposite satiric reaction."

Humbly Yours,

Jimmy the Hustler

Nussle Rules Out Career as Political Prognosticator

2006-11-11T22:19:00.000-06:00

In case you are wondering, Jim Nussle is on the left. It appears "H & C" failed to recognize Jim, despite all the bright green Nussle signs in the background.

We all know that Jim has problems with fuzzy math, and when he uses these numbers to predict the future, his fuzzy math is merely exacerbated. The day before the election, Nussle appeared on the FOX News show, “Hannity and Colmes,” with fellow Republican Adulterer, Rudolph Giuliani (I mean c’mon folks, anybody named after Rudolph Valentino, “The Great Latin Lover,” is predestined to be a major player. Watch and see as he brings his A-game hustle to Iowa when he makes a run for the next president).

During the interview, Colmes confronted Nussle with the poll numbers from "The Des Moines Register," which indicated he trailed Culver by nine percentage points. Nussle shot back, “Don’t bet on the polls, Alan. Be careful…The Democrats bet on the polls last time, and they lost the election nationally….”

Unlike Colmes, who responded he doesn’t bet on polls and he’s not a betting man, I am a betting man. Any hustler who is in touch with his inner-pimp is a betting man. That’s the only way to keep the hustle alive, breathing steadily, until your next mark shows up and the hustle swings into rhetorical action.

The moment I heard Jim say this on FOX News, I contacted my bookie and bet the spread. I bet everything, and what do you know, “The Des Moines Register” was spot on. Thanks to Jimbo, I have a golden parachute to land with in January when Jim abandons me for the lobbying world -- which remind me of another lesson I learned in the world of hustling: Always have a “Plan B”tucked under your sleeve, because it’s hard out there for a pimp, eh Rudy?

(Be very careful ladies, one of these "Great Lovers" is coming to Iowa in an attempt to woo you and your vote. Keep your doors locked and don't answer any unauthorized numbers, for both men are said to be armed with an indefensible sex appeal and are to be considered dangerous.)

Nussle Defeat Inspires Ten Campaign Commandments

2006-11-09T23:58:00.000-06:00

Forty-eight hours later and the residual effects of the post-election hangover have begun to dissipate. A lot of finger-pointing and infighting has ensued at Camp Nussle as the GOP attempts to determine: What went wrong? How could Nussle, the President’s Prodigal Son, possibly lose the bid for Iowa’s next governor? Jim’s Incredibly-Shrunken Inner-Circle is beside themselves, not to mention a number of hyperbolic accusations have been bantered about, ranging from home-bred conspiracy theories to the fix – meaning the fix is in (wink, wink), not that Nussle’s been neutered – either physically or politically.

I, the honorable Jimmy the Hustler refuse to engage in such counter-productive discourse, but rather, I would like to look to the future, so when the next GOP gubernatorial candidate comes rolling into town in 2010, he or she won’t suffer the same defeat as my better half, Jimbo, did in this year’s campaign. It is in this spirit I have analyzed Jim’s campaign, leaving no detail unattended, and have penned a document which I’ve petitioned to have mounted in every GOP campaign office across the state of Iowa.

The GOP Ten Campaign Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not have other pimps and/or hustlers before Me:

No real reason for including this commandment; I just like the way it sounded and like to be exalted every once in a great while.

2. Thou shalt not make sculpted images of “idols” and worship them:

For Christ’s sake, Jim, you’re 46 years old. It’s time to say good-bye to your George W. Bush bobble doll collection. It’s okay, Jimbo, they’ll make new friends with the thousands of abandoned beanie babies and Chucky dolls on the Island of Misfit Toys.

4. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath day and actually go to church every once in awhile

5. Thou shalt honor your father and mother and inner pimp:

Although Nussle did pay homage to his biological father at one of the debates, honored his adoptive father George W. Bush at another, and paid his respects to his mother throughout the campaign, Jim continually denied yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler. He even took prescribed medicine to silence me, but guess what Jim, “I never drank the Kool-Aid.” Had you listened to me, you’d be out shopping and measuring drapes with Nancy Pelosi.

6. Thou shalt not commit murder:

Endorsing Capital Punishment in Iowa is still a bit too extreme but could gain traction if you endorsed killing corporate hog farmers who live outside the state but insist upon raping the land for profit.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and run on a moral agenda or make public vows to protect the sanctity of marriage:

C’mon Jim, everyone knows, even Iowans, that the institution of marriage is no longer sacred. You’d have a better chance of protecting the sanctity of Capital Hill.

8. Thous shalt not steal platform ideas from thy enemy and accuse the latter of having no plan why you espouse his plan as your own:

Ed Fallon you are not, Jimbo. This is called political plagiarism, Jim, and it only works when the teacher isn’t looking. Sorry, Jim, but the teachers were watching.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against an opponent (especially during a televised debate):

The TouchPlay machine “secret deal”? What’s up with that, Jimbo?

10. Thou shalt not covet the Christian Right:

Appointing Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats as your running mate and holding him up as the poster boy for the Christina Right was the beginning of the end. Sure we needed his base, his money, and we didn’t have to tap the social security lock box…errr campaign war chest to run a primary race, but Iowans feel threatened by someone who looks like a Charley McCarthy ventriloquist doll and says we should teach Intelligent Design in the classroom.

It's Hard Out There for a Republican...

2006-11-08T01:43:00.000-06:00

Early Exit Poll Shows Nussle Full of Himself

2006-11-07T20:27:00.000-06:00

An exit poll conducted in multiple counties across the state of Iowa by Jimmy the Hustler’s staff of undocumented workers indicates Gubernatorial Candidate Jim Nussle is “full of himself.”

Voters were asked:

Do you think Jim Nussle is full of:

a) Positive energy
b) Hot air
c) George Bush
d) The Christian Right
e) D.C. blood
f) Sexually repressed text messages
g) Elephant Dung
h) Himself

46% of those polled indicated they thought Nussle was “full of himself.”

Surprisingly 26% of those p0lled felt Nussle was “full of sexually repressed text messages” and were hoping they weren’t on his contact list. One voter responded, “Who knows when that thing is going to go off. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that message…”

Nussle Sings Own Rendition of “The Crying Game”

2006-11-06T22:30:00.000-06:00

The smell of death has seeped its way into the Nussle Camp and has literally attached itself to Jim -- despite the seven showers he’s already taken. Believe me you, it’s going to be a long plane ride back home to D.C. During his seventh shower, I heard Jim singing a high-pitched parody of Culture Club’s “The Crying Game” – the theme song from one of Jimbo’s favorite films:

I know all there is to know about the hustlin’ game

I've had my share of the hustlin’ game

First there are promises, then there are lies

And before you know who you are

You’re sayin’ goodbye

One day soon I’m gonna tell Jimmy about the crying game

And if he knows maybe he’ll explain

Why there are heartaches, why there are tears

And what to do to stop feeling blue

When hustlin’ disappears I know all there is to know about the hustling game

I've had my share of the hustling game

First there are back-door promises, then there are lies

And then before you know who you are

You're sayin' goodbye

Don't want no more of the hustlin’ game

Bring Out Your Dead!!!

2006-11-05T18:57:00.000-06:00

Cart Master: Bring out your dead! [clang]

Nussle: I'm not dead!!

Cart Master: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!

Iowa Voter: Yes, he is.

Nussle: I'm not!

Iowa Voter: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Nussle: I'm getting better!

Iowa Voter: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Cart Master: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

Nussle: I don't want to go on the cart!

Iowa Voter: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Cart Master: I can't take him.

Nussle: I feel fine!

Iowa Voter: Well, do us a favour.

Cart Master: I can't.

Iowa Voter: Well, can you come back Tuesday night? He won’t be long.

Cart Master: No, I’m heading to the First District. They’ve lost one today.

Iowa Voter: Well, when's your next round? It’s beginning to smell around here.

Cart Master: How about tomorrow?

Nussle: I think I'll go canvassing for votes.

Iowa Voter: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?

Nussle: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.

Cart Master: (clubs Nussle over head with Activist Judge Gavel*) Shut it!

Iowa Voter: Ah, thanks very much.

Cart Master: No problem.

*Stolen from “activist judge” who was appointed by George W. Bush

Nussle’s Empire Strikes Back in Northwest Iowa

2006-11-02T19:47:00.000-06:00

Just when Jim thought it was safe to jump head first into the political water and had safely distanced himself from his adoptive father, George W. Bush -- whose approval rating in Iowa has submerged below the 33rd percentile -- the Imperial Empire decided it was time to strike back in Northwest Iowa. Be prepared Le Marsians, the Death Star will be landing on Friday by a silo near you.

For Christ’s sake, Jim, was this the best you could do in the midnight hour? There has to be a better way to whip up your conservative base. I thought it was hard out there for a pimp, but damn, try being the Prodigal Son of the George W. Bush. Interestingly enough, President Bush wasn’t Camp Nussle’s first choice for helping get the Conservative Right all riled up just before the election. Some people have a certain knack for tapping into the irrational vein, whether it be through incendiary language or by just showing up. Sometimes one’s mere presence is all that it takes to get the testosterone pumping through the blood stream and flooding the brain with superfluous blood. The following are just a few people the Nussle camp tried to book for the final leg of Jim’s Farewell Tour:

Cindy Sheehan: Nothing scares Hawk Conservatives more than the thought of a bunch of middle-aged mothers who lost their sons in Iraq running around the country inciting candle-light vigils. This is absolutely terrifying; it threatens every fiber of the former “Stay the Course” mentality, not to mention it only serves to threaten the security of our country. One sound bite of a peace-infested speech via Cindy Sheehan will be just enough to chase the neocons out of the woodwork and get them to the polls.

Rush Limbaugh: After his star-power shot up when he accused Michael J. Fox of exacerbating his Parkinson-disease related symptoms during a political commercial, he was an obvious choice, but a tough gig to book on such short notice. Nussle’s Camp was a wee bit concerned Rush may run into the same problem that Fox encountered when he over-medicated, the only difference being that when he does over-medicate, his pomposity symptoms manage to fall prey to outlandish hyperbole.

Osama bin Laden: Nobody in the formerly free world gets the Republican base more revved up than the poster boy of terror himself, Osama bin Laden. Although, bin Laden is extremely difficult to book and is in popular demand on the Republican circuit, the Nussle Camp took their chances anyhow. One of my inside-sources confirmed this and went on to say that they would’ve settled for an Osama bin Laden bootleg video. Incidentally, according to another reliable source, President Bush put the kibosh on the release of any information regarding the whereabouts of Osama, and further hinted that the Master of Terror is packed on ice and stored in an airplane hangar located on Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas. Apparently, Bush gave explicit orders stating that the ice shouldn’t be broken until just before the ’08 election -- or in the case of a political emergency. Apparently the downfall of his Empire and the loss of his Prodigal Son did not qualify as a political emergency.

I hope Jim’s Daddy doesn’t pull another Dave Lamberti bit on the stump and use some other name that’s synonymous with Jim, like Luke -- or worse, Jimmy the Hustler…

Endorsements Nussle Would Like to Keep in the Closet

2006-10-30T23:46:00.000-06:00

‘Tis the season of political endorsements as newspaper editorial boards across Iowa endorse who they think will make the best governor. Much like his budgetary overspending habits, Jim cannot always control who will endorse him for the next governor of Iowa. Granted, Jim has received a few endorsements from liberal media outlets, which ironically, he proudly promotes on his campaign website. This past Sunday morning I heard Jim yelling up the stairs at the break of dawn, “Come look, Karen. Some of Iowa’s newspapers actually endorsed me. I told you they like me. See Karen, I told you so. Some people in Iowa do like me…”

What the mainstream doesn’t know about are all the closet endorsements Jim has kept under lock and key, much like yours truly and Bobby “the Gimp” Vander Plaats. With only eight days left until the election, I decided the time was ripe for endorsing a “Coming-Out Party”:

9/27/06
Iowa Bigots for Whiter Pastures Endorse Nussle: IBWP President, Bernard Preston, announced at the 15th annual White Bean Chile and Cracker Festival -- a fundraiser promoting homogenous awareness -- that it was endorsing Jim Nussle for Iowa’s next Governor. Preston said, “Nussle has a solid track record in preserving Iowa’s status as one of the whitest states in the nation. His passion for preserving our rich white heritage in Iowa speaks for itself.” Preston cited Nussle’s strong stance against illegal immigrants, his support for English Only initiatives, his role as Budget Chair in helping cut and under-fund minority recruitment and retention programs, and his congressional record of helping export jobs -- jobs traditionally held by minorities in Iowa -- to minorities located in other countries. Preston fired up his fellow bigots with a Fire and Brimstone finale, “Iowa is God’s country, and I for one will be damned if I’m going to let God’s country be overrun by minorities. We used to be the whitest nation in the country, but thanks to Satan’s little helper, the current Democratic governor, our white supremacy has slipped a couple of notches. With Nussle as our Governor, we can recapture our whiteness, creating lily-white fields of opportunity for the future of our lily-white children.”

10/3/06
Reformed Adulterers Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage Calls Nussle “Our Kind of Candidate”: A group comprised of former adulterers, adultery sympathizers, and friends who let friends commit adultery, joined forces at an Adultery Anonymous retreat in Northwest Iowa and privately endorsed Jim Nussle for Governor. In order to protect their Republican political aspirations, group members wished to remain anonymous, but the group did anonymously release the following statement: “Having committed the sin of adultery, we know that only one of our brethren can truly protect the sanctity of marriage, and this is why we’re endorsing Jim Nussle for Governor. Jim’s seen the dark side and weathered the political repercussions of committing adultery. Not only did Jim shake hands with the devil, but he managed to get elected to Congress despite his Satanic Two-Step. Anyone who can survive this feat unblemished -- without having a Scarlet Letter ‘A’ tattooed on his forehead -- is our kind of candidate.”

10/15/06
Pro-Lifers for Capital Punishment & Zero Population Supporters Unite to Endorse Jim Nussle: Citing Jim Nussle’s ninth and final stance on abortion -- which calls for “no exceptions for abortion, even if it means protecting the life of the mother” -- PLCP and ZP joined forces to endorse Nussle for Iowa Governor. “The Life we save today, may be the life we take tomorrow,” said PLCP spokesman, Butch Roberts. “When you look at the big picture or the bottom line, outlawing abortion while simultaneously enacting the death penalty will one day balance everything out. Better yet, if the mother is sacrificed during the birthing process, we can call it a draw. It’s this logic that has convince the ZP supporters to join us and help fight for our mutual cause.”

10/18/06
Republicans for the Secession of Western Iowa Endorses Nussle: Jim Nussle received an endorsement from a grassroots organization behind a Western Iowa movement to secede from the Eastern portion of Iowa and create its own sovereign state. As part of the split, the group wants to erect a fence all along the border to help keep Liberals from infiltrating and spreading their cancerous ways into the main stream of the western populace. “With one of our very own, Bob Vander Plaats, at Nussle’s side, our dream of becoming a self-governed Republican state is one step closer to becoming a long-overdue reality,” said Luke Smith, the organization's founder and chief spokesperson. “We especially like Jim’s ‘catch and deport’ strategy and hope to adopt it as a means of deporting Western Iowa Liberals who are currently seeking political amnesty.”

Iowa State Congressional Representative and advocate for the secession of Western Iowa displays a prototype of fence his group plans to use when secession of Western Iowa is complete

Nussle: “Honey, I Shrunk Our Inner-Circle”

2006-10-29T10:42:00.000-06:00

It was only a matter of time before Jim squeezed yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, out of his incredibly-shrinking circle. First he squeezed out his running mate and poster boy for the Christian Right, Bob Vander Plaats, who has been quarantined to Western Iowa for the most part. Every once in awhile Jim lets the Gimp out of the basement, but after Bob’s public endorsement of teaching Intelligent Design in the classroom in Ames, the Gimp may not see any more daylight east of Highway 71. Back to the basement, Gimp!

Bob Vader Plaats (right) and his handler, Political Zed (left), warn Iowa voters that they'll be coming to a political theater near you

Next, in order to keep his political life sustainable, Jim chose to squeeze out his adoptive father, George W. Bush. Jim had no problem pimping George out in April for a $1 million dollars in campaign seed money, but he had no time for George during his recent stump for Dave Lamberti in Des Moines.

Through all of this, I’ve been loyal to Jim, but I can no longer remain silent and wait for Jim to listen to me, his inner voice. I thought my unauthorized blog would catch Jim’s attention, but he’s been too busy trying to dig up dirt about Chet’s “secret plan.” Jim left me no other choice but to call it quits, and I submitted my two weeks notice last Thursday. This will carry me through Election Day and the first two days of the post-election grieving process, but after that I’m returning home to D.C. -- with or without Jim.

I’ve enclosed a copy of my letter to Jim:

Dearest Jim,

It is with deep regret that I, Jimmy the Hustler, hereby rescind my services as your inner hustler and loyal campaigner for your gubernatorial bid in Iowa. I can no longer be ignored and play second fiddle to you and your self-proclaimed Pride. The Iowa voters are onto your hustle, namely because you wouldn’t heed my advice as you found yourself torn between playing political games and kowtowing to the Christian Right, teetering to the latter in hopes of inspiring your base.

As the campaign continues to unravel during the final stretch, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, Jim. Unlike the Iowa voters, I do know that it’s hard out there for a pimp. I’m looking forward to heading back to D.C. to join our fellow political players as we pave the road for our next career as political lobbyists. You and I know that the revolving door on Corporate Hill pays handsome dividends, and I look forward to working the congressional stable of pimps from the outside.

I only hope that this experience in Iowa will help humble you and give you the opportunity to embrace, rather than ignore and deny, your inner-pimp. I’m excited about our future partnership and rekindling of our hustling relationship.

Yours truly,

Jimmy

Nussle Gambles on TouchPlay Gambit

2006-10-23T22:51:00.000-05:00

In case you haven’t heard, Mister Anti-Gambling himself, Jim Nussle, took a gamble during the final gubernatorial debate, accusing his opponent of having a secret plan to reinstate TouchPlay lottery machines if he is elected governor: “There’s either a secret plan out there to either reinstate TouchPlay or, for that matter, for a secret settlement.” My boy Jim has no hard evidence to support his claim, other than Culver received campaign contributions from key TouchPlay players who used to give money to us.

I knew something was amiss the night before the debate when I heard Jim tossing and turning and hissing in his sleep, “They’re thieves! They’re filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precisoussssssss. Curse them! We hates them! It’s ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Democrats. Wicked, trickssssssssy, falssssssse!”

Later in the debate, Jim said “…if you follow the money, you’ll get your answer.” Don’t tempt me, Jimbo. You know Jimmy lovessssss the ssssssmell of money and can ssssniff out a trail of ssssssurplus money faster than the House Budget Committee can re-appropriate it in a frantic midnight-hour pork barrel session.

Unlike Jim, me loves to gamble, preciousssss…. I slithered my way into the money pit and sniffed out some interesting tidbits, but Jimmy can’t tell you about my precious, dear Reader. Me wants to indulge in Internet gambling and take bets on Chet’s Secret Plan. Jimmy the Hussssssssssssstler give odds on what Chet’s hiding from usssssssssssss:

100 to 1: Chet made deal with Osama bin Laden, who plans on buying the discontinued TouchPlay machines and equipping every cave in Pakistan with the "money-making machines."

20 to 1: Donate the TouchPlay machines to public schools, where they’ll be used as math manipulatives to help give Iowa’s children a jumpstart on their World Class Education.

15 to 1: Replace all of the voting machines in Iowa with TouchPlay machines, with the hope of reinvigorating the voting process and increasing transparency by creating a paper trail.

5 to 1: Ship all the discontinued TouchPlay machines off to Capital Hill and use the revenue to help replenish the National Debt accrued during the past six years.

2 to 1: Chet has no secret plan, sssssssssssssssucker…

Nussle Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Endorsement

2006-10-22T10:53:00.000-05:00

Endorsements? I don't need yo' stinkin' endorsement!

In the game of touting political endorsements, like a true hustler, it looks like Jim played his hand in yesterday’s gubernatorial debate sponsored by “The Des Moines Register,” sacrificing any chances of receiving the Des Moines Register’s endorsement next Sunday. When prompted by his opponent to re-read his comments from a recent interview in the Register, the Jimster smugly responded: “Reading the Des Moines Register once a day is enough for me.” This comment prompted some “boos” from the audience as the moderator, Des Moines Register Editor Carolyn Washburn, attempted to restrain herself, storing the comment away for future use while attempting to push the debate forward.

Now, every hustler knows, assuming they’ve read The Idiot’s Guide to Hustlin’ and has “Hustlin’ Leadership Experience,” that the first rule of hustlin’ is to know who you’re hustling. In this case, Jim already knows he’s not going to get the Register’s endorsement, a byproduct of the Liberal Media,* so it’s up to Jim to shift the focus of the hustle. In this case, Jim’s focusing on the Register’s readership, primarily his right-wing base whose disgust with recent Republican political scandals may keep them from voting come Election Day. In essence, Jim’s taking a pre-emptive strike at the Register, so when they do come out endorsing Culver, his attack dog, Nick Ryan, will release a response indicating that “The Nussle Campaign is not surprised about the endorsement, especially since it comes form the liberal press, thus perpetuating the liberal stronghold on the media…”

Jim took a stab at his host as a means of proactively undermining their credibility -- on their own turf mind you. Now that takes leadership!

*Liberal media: owned by a handful of rich, conservative, white guys and their fleet of shareholders who paradoxically push a liberal agenda to help boost conservative readership? (That’s some mighty fine Hustlin’!)

Poll: Nussle Closing Gap on Vilsack

2006-10-17T23:27:00.000-05:00

It came as no surprise to yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, when a recent poll conducted by “The Des Moines Register” showed that 15 % of Nussle supporters would choose Tom Vilsack as our next governor if his name were on the November 7th ballot.

In an attempt to suppress Me and his 16-year congressional record, it appears Jim’s diagnosed condition, “Chronic Selective Amnesia” (a psychosomatic effect of his previously diagnosed “Post Uncontested Primary Traumatic Stress Disorder”), has reared it’s ugly head during the final election push.

What the poll fails to indicate is that Nussle has narrowed the margin and is actually closing the “loyalty gap” with his faithful supporters. Internal polls show a 7% decline since September for those same Nussle supporters who would choose Vilsack over Nussle. This shift is namely due to Jim’s aggressive campaigning against Vilsack in recent stump speeches and televised debates, not to mention stepping up his “Anybody But Vilsack” efforts. Sales of “Anybody but Vilsack” t-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee mugs, and stained-glass window sets, have nearly tripled over the last three weeks. Cha-ching!

Despite Vilsack’s self-imposed term limit, Jim is determined to beat Vilsack come November, doing his part in helping send the two-term Governor off to Washington, D.C. This is the first time I’ve seen Jim truly enjoying himself during his gubernatorial bid, and I’ll be Jim damned if I’m going to be the one to remind him that he’s running against Culver, not Vilsack.

Pride (In the Name of Nussle)

2006-10-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

One man come in the name of lust
One man come and go
One man come, he to justify
One man to overthrow…

The following excerpt comes from Subliminal Jimmy’s transcript of the Brown and Black Debate held on October 12th, 2006 in Des Moines:

Moderator Question: What decision have you made in your life that you regret most? And if you had it to do it over, how would you do it differently?

Nussle: I was hoping it was a multiple choice question…

a) Wearing a paper bag on my head on the House floor to protest the “shameful” ethical behavior involved in the House banking scandal
b) Making Newt Gingrich my role model
c) Committing adultery while running on a Family Values Agenda
d) Both b) and c)
e) All of the Above...

There are so many that are coming to mind…

So many sins, so little time…pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, sloth, what to choose…don’t say pride, Jim…whatever you do don’t say pride, everyone knows pride is the gateway sin – the sin that opens Satan’s doors to all other sins and is the slippery slope sin to hell…please, Jim, I’m begging you not to say pride, anything but pride…

Probably the sin of pride is the one I would point to the most…

Damn it Jim, you had two minutes to think over your answer and the best you could come up with is pride? I told you not to say pride. When will you start trusting me? It’s me Jimmy, the man who helped successfully hustle you into office in ’96 despite the scarlet letter “A” branded on your forehead. Is it your pride that keeps me silent?...

The most important rule of politics is that it’s the art of the possible and not the art of the perfect.

Thank God…

As soon as we make the decision, we know it’s not perfect…

Speak for yourself, Jim, speak for yourself…

The sin of pride, thinking that you know everything, thinking that you’ve heard everything, thinking that you’ve thought through everything is probably the sin I commit most often.

Amen…

I suppose the fact that I know that will help make sure that I improve that. I know that is one I can see in myself.

What’s that supposed to mean, Jim? Are you pointing fingers at yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler? I’ll be damned; you know it’s hard out here for a pimp…

W.W.J.D.? Speaking of Nussle’s Faith…

2006-10-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

I knew Jim was fated for a long ride in politics when he “cemented his relationship with Jesus Christ.” I was worried when Jim first cemented his “Contract with Jesus,” knowing that when a politician takes the moral high ground, there’s only that much more distance to fall. Fortunately, Jim had his prosecutor career to fall back on, thus providing him with enough foresight to add a “Forgiveness Clause” (or what Jim calls “The Pay It Forward Clause;” or what I call “The Sin Now & Pay Later Clause”).

Similar to his adopted father, George W. Bush, Jim turned his life over to Jesus Christ, and it appears we’ve all reaped the benefits of their trickle-down morality. I know when I’m trapped in a moral quagmire, I will always find solace, knowing my trusty W.W.J.D.? bracelet is close by. I often find myself engulfed in moments of silence, pontificating, and asking myself “What Would Jim Do?”

With the November campaign closing in, I found myself asking this question more and more, and I would like to share the results of my meditations with you, dear Reader. For reasons of accountability, I’ve run the same scenarios by Jesus as a means of providing a standardized norm to help accurately measure Jim’s actions. (Note: the results have a 95% confidence interval - the 5% differential to help account for human frailties, divine hypocrisies, and inherent political contradictions).

1. Public Prayer and/or School Prayer:

What Would Jesus Do?: Neither one. "When you pray, be not like the pretenders, who prefer to pray in the synagogues and in the public square, in the sight of others. In truth I tell you, that is all the profit they will have. But you, when you pray, go into your inner chamber and, locking the door, pray there in hiding to your Father, and your Father who sees you in hiding will reward you" (Matthew 6:5-6).

What Would Jim Do?: Pass legislation that would allow students time to pray in school in lieu of recess, require all public building in the state of Iowa to be “Prayer Accessible” or risk losing public funding – namely county highway funds

2. Display of 10 Commandments in Public Buildings

What Would Jesus Do?: He wouldn’t, but rather, Jesus would memorize them and actually live by them. Besides, the very act of doing this is in direct violation of two of the Commandments, you know, the ones about “not erecting ‘idols’ in the likeness of created things and worshipping them,” and “never taking the name of God in vain – pointless or insincere oath.”

What Would Jim Do?: Not only post The Nine Commandments* in every public building, but would erect displays in public restrooms in stalls and above urinals -- to help remind Iowans what thou shouldn’t be doing whenever they’re not relieving themselves.

*The Sixth Commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” has been deleted, thus preserving Jim’s credibility as Iowa’s “Chosen One.”

3. Treatment of Illegal Immigrants in Iowa

What Would Jesus Do?: "Whenever you did these things to the lowliest of my brothers, you were doing it to me" (Matthew 25:40).

What Would Jim Do?: Catch and deport them

4. Capital Punishment

What Would Jesus Do?: Granted, the Old Testament law commanded the death penalty for various acts: murder (Exodus 21:12), kidnapping (Exodus 21:16), bestiality (Exodus 22:19); adultery (Leviticus 20:10); homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13), being a false prophet (Deuteronomy 13:5), prostitution (Leviticus 21:9) and rape (Deuteronomy 22:24-25), and several other crimes, but fortunately for Jim (see Leviticus 20:10) Jesus is a little more forgiving. When the Pharisees brought a woman who was caught in the act of adultery to Jesus and asked Him if she should be stoned, Jesus replied, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). Whew, that was close, eh Jim? So it looks like Jesus would support capital punishment, only it would have to be implemented by someone who has never sinned before, meaning nobody.

What Would Jim Do?: Reinstate the Death Penalty in Iowa. Although, Jim does go on record saying, “I believe the death penalty should be an option for judges and juries in Iowa, in particular for heinous crimes involving felony murder. That’s where I believe we should head,” thus protecting his fellow adulterers and false prophets.

5. Campaign Finance

What Would Jesus Do?: First, Jesus would never run for a political office, so I had to hypothesize what he would do. Upon entering the political temples, Jesus would take the floor and decry, “My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. But you have made it a den of thieves!” In a subsequent rage, Jesus would overturn all of the tables in the House until subdued by the authorities and imprisoned indefinitely.

What Would Jim Do?: Show me the Money!!!

This blog entry was paid for by S.E.J.F.C.S. (Stop Exploiting Jesus for Christ’s Sake)

Nussle’s “Political Fight Club Rules”

2006-10-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

You’d be surprised what one can find when rummaging through a politician’s waste paper basket, recycling bin, or files marked “Top Secret.” If only the custodial staffers could talk, or in some cases speak English, I can ONLY imagine all of the dirt they could feed the media. And Jim wants all these folks either speaking only English or deported? If these jobs fall into the wrong hands, who knows what damaging documents will leak to the press. For example, just the other day, when I was innocently rummaging through Jim’s trash (note: Jim doesn’t have a recycle bin), I found a stack of discarded memos.

--------------------------------------------------

Jim Nussle’s Positive Offensive Campaign Strategy

To: All Nussle Campaign Staffers

From: Above

Date: Friday, October 6th, 2006

Re: The Nussle Advantage: Political Fight Club Rules

--------------------------------------------------

1st RULE: You do not talk about POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB.

3rd RULE: If someone says “Economic Freedom Fund,” goes limp, or has to resort to calling the opposing fighter a Communist, the fight is over.

4th RULE: Only the campaign manager and staffers will engage in Political Fight Club. Any comments that may be construed as ironic, hypocritical, or negative must not be linked to the gubernatorial candidate. Political “sucker punches” are not only allowed, but strongly encouraged.

Example: “Last night Iowans across Iowa saw firsthand the choice in the race for Governor is clear. It's a choice between Jim Nussle's experienced leadership, positive vision and principled solutions or Chet Culver's incompetence and inconsistencies packaged inside negative, partisan attacks.” (Nick Ryan, Campaign Manager)

5th RULE: A Political Fight Club round ends when all negative blows, ironic brow beatings, barrages of hypocritical jabs have been delivered, and the Political Fight Club staffer states “Jim’s positive vision to energize Iowa’s future.”

Example: “With just 35 days to go, this race is still very close, but we are confident the Nussle-Vander Plaats positive vision to Energize Iowa's Future is working.” (Nick Ryan, Campaign Manager)

6th RULE: No teleprompters, cue cards, or political clichés.

7th RULE: Regardless of public perceptions, political fights will go on as long as they have to or until November 7th, whichever should come first.

8th RULE: If this is your first night at POLITICAL FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight. Once you step into the ring and go NEGATIVE, there’s no turning back.

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Gubernatorial Debate Blog (Tape Delayed)

2006-10-03T00:20:00.000-05:00

(Note: I tried to blog the debate as accurately as possible, but since I was at the debate, I couldn’t record my thoughts live, not to mention I nodded off during a few of the questions – no thanks to the double dose of meds Jim took in a futile attempt to silence me.)

Why focus on attacking your opponent instead of focusing on issues?

“Freedom is not free.” Yes, we already know this Jim. That’s why your adoptive father, George W., gave you his credit card with no limit. Now answer the question, before your non-opening statement starts looking like just that, an opening statement. What’s this, a moment of silence in a political debate? Great ploy, using dead soldiers to gain political points. Exploiting our fallen soldiers should bode well with your Hawk constituents. Nice touch, Jim. Hopefully nobody noticed you didn’t answer the question. Oh wait a minute, Bruce Aune did, and it looks like he’s giving you a do-over. Count your blessings this isn’t high-stake standardized testing, where there are no do-overs. Better yet, let me count them.

What is your position on abortion?

Which position is it going to be, Jim? Huh, Jim? Inquiring minds want to know. Will it be the first stance or the seventh, or will you choose one in between. And the Christian Right survey says…. “Move from the current law of Parental Notification to Parental Consent?” Where did this stance come from? Obviously not Right field. (Pause for collective Christian Right to regain consciousness.) So now you do support abortion, only teenagers need to get parental consent? Ladies and gentlemen, the Eighth Stance: “I want to protect the unborn child by requiring pregnant teenagers to get permission slips from their parents to have an abortion.” I can see Bob seething now, smoke coming out of his ears, fuming over this public betrayal. And I thought you had learned to love the Christian Right, Jim.

What tax policies would you propose and why?

Newsflash: Iowa seniors are leaving the state in search of greener tax relief pasture; the extreme weather conditions have nothing to do with Senior Flight. I repeat, the weather is not to blame for Iowa Senior Citizens fleeing our state en masse and emigrating to Arizona and Florida.

What would you do with the state road use tax fund?

Use it to build a yellow brick road between Des Moines and Manchester? Talking Heads “We’re on a Road to Nowhere…” plays in my head… Oh yeah, what were you going to do, Jim? Sorry, it must be my meds; I completely lost track of what you were saying.

How will you combat the rising cost of higher education?

“We need to connect our young people to the jobs…they have to be able to connect the education to an actual job in Iowa…” (uses hands gestures to help explain this connection, illustrating how to make and compact a snowball) Actual jobs in Iowa, assuming, of course, they haven’t been outsourced by the time our kids graduate from high school or college, eh Jim? So what degree track does one connect with a politician, or a hustler -- but I repeat myself?

How do you plan on providing all Iowans access to quality and affordable health care? And how do you plan on paying for it?

Access in rural areas is important. “Every mile is a minute…” – assuming of course rural Iowans only drive five miles over the speed limit while speeding their loved ones to the emergency room. So how are we going to pay for this, Jim? May I humbly suggest you retract your plan to stop Senior Flight. Let the seniors flee, and this will help bring down Iowa’s collective health premium base, thus making it cheaper for the remaining Iowans. “We are suing our doctors and health care professionals out of those rural areas, making it difficult for them to compete, making it difficult for them to locate there…” Oh yeah, Jim. Good set up, I can smell the GOP talking point coming; lay it on ‘em Jimbo…“I would limit liability and cap punitive damages in Iowa..” Jackpot! Move over trial lawyers, there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s gonna pop a cap in your wallets. Not to mention this will be incentive for Big Business to set up shop in the Heartland, knowing they can reinstitute the liability/bottom-line cost formula used in the days before the Ford Pinto fiasco. To recall or not to recall? That is the bottom line question. Maybe next time, eh Firestone?

How will you attract young people to Iowa?

Sorry folks, all I could think of was having cake and eating it too.

Why mess with Vision Iowa if it is working?

“All icing, all frosting, no cake…” Damn it, Jim. I’m a hustler, not an English major. Quit mixing metaphors that make me hungry. All I can think about is cake, not your damn economic vision.

Do the sex offender laws put our children at greater risk?

“I prosecuted people like Mark Foley, when I was a prosecutor in Manchester Iowa…” WTF!? Manchester has tenured senators who sexually harass teenage pages by text messaging them and asking them if they get horny knowing he’s masturbating while simultaneously messaging them? That does it Jim, I’ll be damned if I’m moving back to Manchester. Regardless of what happens in November, I’m staying put in D.C., where at least, despite what Representative Steve King says, I know it’s safer than the streets of Bahgdad, and quite possibly Manchester.

What is your slogan for Iowa?

“Education Destination”: I can see it now while driving into Iowa a year from now: a big billboard welcoming me, “Welcome to Iowa, Your Education Destination, Home of the Amazonian Rainforest and Birthplace of Standardized Testing.” Isn’t learning grand?

What is your position on anti-bullying legislation?

That’s it Jim, draw from your past and support anti-bullying for everyone, not just.. “carving out a special exception for persuasion, sexual persuasion…?” By “sexual persuasion,” do you mean homosexuals, Jim? When I merge sex and persuasion, all I can think of is your persuasive prowess of seducing Karen back in D.C. when you were still married. Now that took some sexual persuasion. Is there something you’re not telling me, Jim?

What is your position on gay marriage?

Do you mean Sexual Persuasion Marriage? If so, I’m sure Jim’s all for it, eh Jim? “We must protect all classes of children, not just one particular class.” You lost me, Jim. So how are gay marriage and bullying related? And by class, do you mean homosexuals. If so, homosexuality is its own distinct class now? If so, what’s the monetary cut off in determining who’s gay and who’s not? Better yet, if you’re elected Governor of Iowa, will the raise in pay push us into the Gay or the Sexually Persuasive Class?

What is your position on teacher pay? How high is high enough?

Teachers are running away from paper work? By paper work, do you mean the increased paper work mandated by the NCLB Act? You’re losing me Jim. Is it 8 0’clock yet?

What is your position on overcrowded prisons?

Bring back the death penalty; this should ease the overcrowding.

What is your position on stem cell research?

Just say no to embryos.

Who is your hero, and why?

Say it Jim. Who’s your daddy? George Dubya. You can say it, Jim. “It’s my dad.” Oh, your other dad. So close, Jim, but so far. Maybe when George’s approval ratings rise, you can come back out of the closet and embrace your adoptive father, mentor, and role model for quality leadership and energizing Iowa’s future…

The Unofficial Gubernatorial Debate Drinking Game:

2006-10-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

For those of you, like me, who anticipate finding yourselves sedated by stump-speech sound bytes and hunger for something to help keep you entertained during the debate, I’ve concocted a drinking game to help liven up your spirits.

Buzz Words: Take ONE drink every time Jim says:

energize, future, positive

Bigger Buzz Word & Phrases: Take multiple drinks (to be determined by players before debate begins) every time Jim says:

leadership, accountability, my plan, quality of life (double bonus if states “stronger quality of life”), Iowa values, energizing Iowa's future

Buzz Retorts: Drink one entire serving and/or smash a can against your forehead every time Jim retorts with any of the following:

“Unlike my opponent, I have a plan…”

“While my opponent wants to focus on the past, I look forward to energizing Iowa's future…”

“I know you are, but what am I…”

Nussle’s Pre-Debate “To-Do” List

2006-10-02T14:49:00.000-05:00

The moment of Truth has come as Iowans from all five corners of the state gather around their idiot boxes to watch this evening’s debate between Jim Nussle and Chet Culver. The debates about the debates have finally subsided. Jim has been running around within his inner-circle preparing for the debate, checking items off his to-do list as he prances about. To help emphasize the import of the pre-debate process, I’ve included a copy of Jim’s to-do list, aptly titled:

Much Adieu about Nothing

___ Dust off George W. Bush Bobble-Head collection for good luck

___ Watch clips from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome for divine inspiration, followed by a ritualistic chanting of “Two Men Enter, One Man Leave…” over and over to help find inner peace

___ Rehearse non-verbal cues that create the illusion of actually caring; primary focus will be extended to facial expressions that express empathy, genuine concern, compassion, and aloof disdain – the same expressions used to seduce second wife, Karen

___ Self-induced mental enema of the past, namely 16-year congressional record

___ Practice “Duck and Cover” diversion strategy in front of the mirror while reciting eternal question:

Jim: “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest hustler of them all?”

Mirror: “Why you dear Jim are one of the finest hustlers in the land,
But there’s someone even lower, ergo Jimmy the Hustler,
Whose forked tongue makes him a liability to apprehend.”

___ Take double-dose of prescription medications to help silence Jimmy the Hustler (No worries, faithful Reader, I'll merely pretend to swallow)

___ Put in shoe inserts, thus averting any potential Napoleon-complex analysis in post-debate spin cycle

___ Listen to Stuart Smalley inspiration tapes, pretending Karl Rove plays Stuart Smalley instead of the brow-beating liberal Al Franken

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part III of the Trilogy or: The Last Stance)

2006-09-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

SPECIAL FEATURES

Deleted Scene: The following scene was aborted from the original studio release, but was included on the Director’s Cut version of Dr. Nusslelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right:

(As if performing a political séance to help save Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s candidacy, Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats, Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, and Dr. Nusslelove are gathered around a Ouija board in the War Room. Candlelight fills the room and creates a halo-like glow over their heads while emanating an ominous reflective glow off the collective plastic faces of the Bush bobble-doll shrine hovering in the backdrop. All three men have their hands gently placed on the Ouija board pointer as the great political board guides their collective hands and responds to their questions.)

General Bob: Will we win the election?

Ouija: N-O

Nussle: No!? You’ve got to be kidding me…?

Ouija: K-I-D-D-I-N-G-?

Nussle: Never mind. How did we lose?

General Bob: What issue will prove to be our downfall?

Ouija: A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N

Dr. Nusslelove: I told you not to jump in bed with the Christian Right. No offense Bob.

General Bob: Huh?

Nussle: Well which one of the seven stances on Abortion should I have taken?

Ouija: ?

Dr. Nussleove: Should there be any exceptions, circumstances, or cases that would allow for an abortion?

Ouija: I-M-M-A-C-U-L-A-T-E C-O-N-C-E-P-T-I-O-N

General Bob: But what about my precious bodily fluids...?

Nussle: Immaculate conception? I’ll be damned if I’m going to be held responsible for aborting the Second Coming…

(The walls in the room begin to shake, toppling over Jim’s extensive collection of George W. Bush bobble-head dolls. All three men freeze and lock hands as if caught in a collective prayer, and smile at each other as The War Room slowly comes crumbling down to Vera Lynn’s uplifting tune, “We’ll Meet Again”:

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
But I'm sure we'll meet again some sunny day
Keep smiling through, just the way you used to do
Till the blue skies chase the dark clouds far away
Now, won't you please say "Hello" to the folks that I know
Tell 'em it won't be long'cause they'd be happy to know that when you saw me go
I was singing this song

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
But I'm sure we'll meet again some sunny day

MONOLOGUE: Yes, we'll meet again. Darlin', I don't know where and I don't know when. But I KNOW we'll meet again one of these good ole sunshiny days. Ya know, darlin', all ya gotta do is just keep on smilin' through you know just like you ALWAYS do, until the blue skies chase the dark clouds far, far, far away. I wantcha to do me a favor, please say "Hello" to all the folks that I know. Well, just tell 'em it won't be long. They'd be happy to know that when you saw me go, I was standin' right here, singin' this song.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day…)

Director’s Commentary: Jimmy the Hustler

We ended up pulling the apocalyptic ending, namely because of Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s improvised final line: “I’ll be damned if I’m going to be held responsible for aborting the Second Coming…” Although Jim, his Republican posse, and the Christian Right use the Second Coming to infuse fear and get voters to vote their fears rather than their consciences, they’re also well aware of the potential ramifications if the Second Coming actually did happen. Simply put, they’d be in a world of hurt for the mess They’ve created. Face it, anyone who has actually read all of The New Testament knows that if Jesus comes back now, he’s going to be seriously pissed off…

Dr. Nusslelove or: How Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part II of the Trilogy)

2006-09-28T10:10:00.000-05:00

Now Playing in a Political Theater Near You:

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right

Starring:

Jim Nussle as Dr. Nusslelove & Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle
Bob Vander Plaats as the Quack Surgeon General

Director and Screenplay Adaptation: Jimmy the Hustler

Movie Summary: Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats, a dutiful foot soldier for the Christian Right, goes completely and utterly mad when he suspects Planned Parenthood is conspiring to pollute the “precious bodily fluids” of Iowans. During this inebriated state and lust for power, the Quack Surgeon General manages to confuse Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, whose only coping mechanism is to continually change his stance on abortion to keep the voters guessing, thus buying time until he reveals his final, unprecedented stance on abortion. Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle’s perpetual shifting threatens the Quack Surgeon General’s allegiance to the Christian Right, which inevitably induces him to launch a Wedge Bomb into the campaign, claiming his running mate would sign a bill criminalizing abortions in the state of Iowa. Fearing the Wedge Bomb may destroy his candidacy, Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle meets with his handlers in the “War Room” to discuss his next move, hoping to avert a campaign tragedy. The Gubernatorial Candidate’s best hope to salvage his campaign depends on Dr. Nusslelove, a D.C. political scientist who specializes in media spin, political hustlin’, and “precious bodily fluids.” Will the Wedge Bomb be stopped in time? Or will Quack Surgeon Bob Vander Plaats and his “Doomsday Machine,” the Christian Right, succeed in destroying the political landscape of Iowa?

Memorable Quotes:

Quack Surgeon General Bob Vander Plaats:

“Your pro-choice Liberal has no regard for human life. Not even his own.”

“Abortion is too important to be left to the politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Liberal infiltration, Liberal indoctrination, Liberal subversion and the international Liberal conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

“Women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, but I do deny them my essence.”

Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle:

“There's nothing to figure out. This man is obviously a psychotic.”

“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the George W. Bush Bobble-Head Room.”

Dr. Nusslelove:
“Gubernatorial Candidate Nussle, that is the whole idea of the Christian Right, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy…the FEAR to attack. The Doomsday Machine, or Christian Right in this case, is terrifying and simple to understand and completely credible and convincing, especially during an election season.”

“They love me! They love me naught!! They love me!!!”

What diabolical political plan will Dr. Nusslelove unveil next? What will be his next stance on abortion?...

To find out, stay tuned for the final episode of the Trilogy: Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part III of the Trilogy)

Dr. Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part I of the Trilogy)

2006-09-25T11:16:00.000-05:00

I thought Jim had pacified the Christian Right when he threw them a political bone by naming Bob Vander Plaats as his running mate. But as I was walking by the “George W. Bush Bobble-Head Room,” or what Jim calls the “War Room,” I couldn’t help but overhear Jim playing a solitary game of “She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not,” only Jim had substituted She with They. After careful eavesdropping, I deduced the They to be the “Christian Right” in this particular context since Jim was referencing his past stances on abortion. I’ve written the following transcript of Jim’s soliloquy for yours truly, dear reader, performed for the beloved and omnipresent Christian Right I presume:

There are no conditions under which a woman should be allowed to get an abortion…They love Me…

I will allow exceptions for rape and incest…They love Me naught…

Women should have the right to choose in the first trimester…They love Me naught…

Yes, yes, I must stick to my guns, women should be allowed an abortion in the first trimester…They still love Me not…

(Remissive) Okay, okay…All abortions should be banned (pause)…They love Me… (trepidation in his voice)…With the exception of saving the mother’s life?...(lightning strikes outside War Room window) They still love Me naught…

All abortions with NO exceptions, even to save a mother’s life, should be outlawed and deemed a criminal offense…They love Me! The love Me!! They do so love Me!!!

Before Jim had a chance to fall into a narcissistic stupor requiring immediate medical attention and/or he changed his mind yet again, I slithered off to the study and penned this blog entry and the treatment for the new screenplay:

COMING SOON TO A POLITICAL THEATER NEAR YOU:

Dr Nusslelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right (Part II of the Trilogy)…

Nussle Unveils “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” Plan

2006-09-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

The FIX is in, folks. With only 47 days left before the election, my Better Half has unveiled his “If It Ain’t Broke, Fix It” Plan (so much for his Grammatically-Correct English initiative). The key to effective advertising, whether it be a product or a candidate (I apologize for using redundancy again), is how you manipulate the public into buying into something they don’t really need, say a fully-loaded Hummer or the Truth – both of which can be extremely dangerous if not handled correctly. Using this precept, Jim plans on taking it one step further by creating the illusion that we need to fix something that isn’t really broken. It’s kind of like taking your car to a dealership for repairs. You take it in to have them fix the carburetor and you end up driving off the lot with new brakes, an air filter, and an electronic ashtray. How ingenious, indeed.

The key to this type of marketing is to find the perfect scapegoat, preferably a population that cannot vote -- such as convicted felons, children, or illegal immigrants. Jim has chosen to target illegal immigrants, making them the centerpiece of his plan.

Here are some examples that help illustrate Jim’s “If-It-Ain’t-Broke, Fix-It” plan:

The Problem: Illegal Immigrants Voting

It Ain’t Broke: No evidence of an Illegal Immigrant fraudulently voting

An unidentified illegal immigrant attempts to scale a heavily fortified fence in a small Missouri township, risking his life and the threat of deportation to vote in a local school board election

The Fix: Require voters to provide identification when voting, particularly focusing on Illegal Immigrants who don’t vote

Hidden Costs: Poll tax – voters will have to purchase government IDs/documents which will increase state revenues and help partially subsidize the new piece of legislation.

The Problem: Public Education Accountability

It Ain’t Broke: Students were already held accountable before the increased standardized testing mandate under the NCLB Act

The Fix: NCLB, implement more standards and testing at the state levels

Hidden Costs: More money spent on testing, district loses more local control, scarcity of political footballs come election season

The Problem: Iowa’s Budget

It Ain’t Broke: Balanced

The Fix: Supersize the government by adding more layers of bureaucracy and committees to implement ideas and policies which will help make the government even bigger.

Hidden Costs: Money spent on Red Tape will create a budget deficit

The Problem: White Flight

A proud member of the white race in Western Iowa crosses the border and emigrates to Nebraska, escaping the influx of non-white populations who have emigrated to Western Iowa with the hope of pursuing a lucrative career in farming

It Ain’t Broke: Iowa still ranks third as the whitest state in the nation

The Fix: Seize and Deport all illegal immigrants, maintain English as Iowa’s official language, import Danish immigrants to help replenish the political gene pool

Hidden Costs: The Dutch Letter Pastry industry will boom, flooding the market with Dutch Letters, consequently bringing the price down to the point Dutch Immigrants won’t be able to sustain their income on a minimum wage salary, forcing them to seek alternative employment which provides a living wage -- which will leave behind thousands of jobs nobody wants to do except the illegal immigrants who were already deported

Two plates of blackmarket Dutch Letters seized at the Iowa/Minnesota border (Note: good thing we didn't make Jim's native tongue, Dutch, the Official Language of Iowa, since they have only one letter, the letter 'S'. That would've been ssssssssssscandalousssssssss, eh Jim?)

Nussle Makes All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team

2006-09-18T19:41:00.000-05:00

A number of people, namely those “pesky progressives,” have tried to paint my better half, Jim, as a Washington crony, who intends to corrupt Iowa politics with his adoptive D.C. culture. These folks clearly have yet to connect the dots, ALL of the dots. Any reputable conspiracy theorist, myself included, knows that ALL POLITCAL CONSPIRACY THEORIES BEGIN AND END IN TEXAS. For all of you naysayers out there still living in political-la-la land, I suggest you call the conspiracy hotline @ 1-9/11-J.F.K.- Bush (1.911.535.2874) and get the straight dope.

Keeping the Texas-pipeline conspiracy theory modus operandi in mind, it’s not surprising that our boy, Jim Nussle, made the “All Texas Political-Conspiracy Team.” Hayden Fry’s recent endorsement helped give Jim just enough conspiratorial dots to land him on the first team. Here’s a rundown of some of the more notable Texas Conspirators who helped propel Jim’s campaign:

5. Hayden Fry: former Hall of Fame Coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes football team (1979-1998) who currently resides in Nevada, but occasionaly returns to Iowa to watch his former team and/or endorse political candidates by espousing what’s best for energizing Iowa’s future (other than hiring Kirk Ferentz of course)

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Told Ronnie Harmon to get a case of the “dropsies” in the 1985 Rose Bowl game against UCLA or he would be benched the rest of the game and his career in the pros would be over before he hit the locker room; the entire 1998 football season; painted the opposing team’s locker room pink because his wife told him to, not because he had a degree in psychology and was trying to psyche out the visiting team

Texas Connection: born in Eastland, Texas; coached at North Texas and SMU; befriended George H.W. Bush while coaching high school football in Odessa (hmmmm...interesting, very interesting)

Nussle Connection: Jim’s “friend,” endorsed Nussle for governor of Nevada, err…Iowa

4. Bob J. Perry: Current financier ($5 million since Aug. 18) of California 527 group, the Economic Freedom Fund; helped bankroll the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign in the 2004 presidential election -- which called John Kerry’s war record into question

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad campaign; close ties to Tom Delay (see #2 and insert co-conspirator-by-association clause) or use facts to help connect the dots: gave $165,000 in the 2002 election cycle to Tom DeLay’s Texans for a Republican Majority political action committee (TRMPAC); in October 2002 they contributed $95,000 to Delay's Americans for a Republican Majority political a ction committtee (ARMPAC); Perry and his wife also contributed $10,000 to Tom Delay's defense fund

Texas Connection: born in rural Bosque County, Texas; currently resides in Houston where he oversees his homebuilding business, Perry Homes

Nussle Connection: financed Economic Freedom Fund which distributed mailers in Iowa supporting Jim’s gubernatorial campaign

3. Halliburton: founded in 1919, one of the largest providers of products and services to the gas and oil industries

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: company's relentless quest for profits helped fuel the controversial wars in Vietnam and Iraq (both of which were “declared” under false pretenses by Texan Presidents: Lyndon B. Johnson & “Tonkin Resolution”/George W. Bush & “Iraq Resolution”/Weapons of Mass Destruction)

Texas Connection: corporate roots drilled deep

Nussle Connection: Awarded $7 billion no-bid contract to Halliburton to help "rebuild" Iraq; voted to continue awarding no-bid contracts (“sweatheart deals”) despite Pentagon audit indicating more than $100 million of their contractor costs in Iraq to be unreasonable; to thank Jim for his loyalty, Halliburton gave $1000 to Nussle’s cam paign

2. Tom Delay: stepped down from role as Speaker of the House when series of indictments regarding corruption began trickling downward

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: Too many to list all without having to create website solely dedicated to Tom DeLay, starting with Tom's unconstitutional redistricting of Texas congressional lines and working backwards until connecting DeLay’s role with having Lucifer cast down to hell indefinately with no chance of redeeming his good name (and who said Guantanamo Bay doesn’t have a precedent?)

Texas Connection: born in Laredo, Texas; spent 2 years attending Baylor University until he was expelled for drinking and vandalism; due to playboy reputation, DeLay was nicknamed “Hot Tub Tom” during his time in the Texas Legislature

Nussle Connection: received $15,020 from Tom DeLay’s ARMPAC

1. George W. Bush: alleged President of the United States of America

Accredited Conspiracy Theories*: his entire presidency -- every action or inaction during Bush’s tenure has been attributed with some conspiracy theory

Texas Connection: family moved to Midland, Texas when George was 2; during height of Vietnam War, in May of 1968, Bush was accepted into the Texas Air National Guard (hmmm…who was President at the time? I’ll let you connect the dots, dear reader)

Nussle Connection: Adoptive father in D.C.; helped Jim raise $1 million during fundraiser in Des Moines -- where Bush prostituted himself by letting donors have their pictures taken with the him at $10,000 a bang (haven’t heard much from George since his approval rating plummeted)

*Like Electability, Global Warming, and Creationism, these are simply theories. It’s up to you, dear reader, to discern fact from fiction.

Having connected a plethora of dots, I’m wondering what will happen on November 7th? No sense taking any chances, especially since Jim’s opponent is the Secretary of State. I’m looking into some beach-front time shares in Texas.

If any of you have conspiracy theories about Jim Nussle you’d like to unburden from your soul, feel free to leave a comment, thus purging yourself publicly.

Nussle Urges Campaign Break: “Smoke ‘Em if You Got ‘Em”

2006-09-14T11:56:00.000-05:00

The Jim Nussle Gubernatorial Campaign would like to take a break from the campaign and thank some of our sponsors for their campaign contributions. At this time, we’d like to extend a special thank you to R.J. Reynolds and Phillip Morris for standing by our side over the years. Their contributions of nearly $70,000 dollars to Jim’s campaign efforts have helped insure and protect smokers’ and potential smokers’ rights. It’s a sorry state of affairs when Big Government feels it has the right to step on Big Tobacco's toes and extinguish their God-given right to exploit the Coalition of the Willing. Raising cigarette taxes is not only a sin tax, but it damages the free enterprise capabilities of the tobacco industry. If Iowa were to raise the cigarette tax $1, just look at how this would impact cigarette sales;

-Youth smoking would decrease 19.3%

-39,700 more kids alive today would not become smokers

-20,900 current adult smokers would quit

We simply cannot allow this to happen. Not only will the decreased cigarette sales have a dire impact on the tobacco business community, but a tax increase will have damaging social and psychological ramifications as well. Thanks to the war in Iraq, the federal deficit, unaffordable health care, increased poverty, job outsourcing and increased unemployment, a stagnated minimum wage, smoking bans in the workplace, and Monday Night Football switching to a cable network, Americans are very stressed and need cigarettes and their non-addictive medicinal powers to help ease their anxieties. This reasoning holds especially true for our teenagers, who face a world of uncertainty and have yet to see the complete fallout of recent legislative actions.

If anything, we should be working together to reduce cigarette taxes so smokers have more purchasing power, since the more packs of Camel cigarettes purchased equates to more Camel Bucks circulating in our economy. People will have more purchasing power in the Camel industry and will finally be able to buy that Joe-the-Camel shower curtain, ashtray, pool table, headband, or matching earrings for those special people in their lives. Better to buy now, before it’s too late, eh?

Without further adieu, we at the Nussle Campaign would like to urge all of you to take a break from your stressful lives, light up, and “Smoke ‘Em if You Got ‘Em.”

NU$$LE & FLOW t-shirts: Buy into the Latest Political Rage Before It's Too Late

2006-09-12T11:18:00.000-05:00

With only 56 shopping days left until Election Day, now’s your chance to purchase a special keepsake of the 2006 gubernatorial election. Here’s the straight dope: ever since Jim officially jumped into the sack with the Christian Right and the Democrats unveiled their new dance last week, “The Nussle Hustle,” Jimbo has been a little on edge. Consequently, he’s tightened the leash on yours truly, Jimmy the Hustler, meaning he’s cut off my allowance, claiming, “Everyone needs to make a sacrifice during the final push of the campaign and that includes you, Jimmy.” No worries folks; hustlin’ is in my blood and now you can be a blood brother or sister by donning your very own NU$$LE & FLOW t-shirt. And if this isn’t enough to inspire you to bust out the plastic, then check out:

Jimmy the Hustler’s Top 8 Reasons Why You Should
Buy a NU$$LE & FLOW T-Shirt:

8. It’s $9,985 cheaper than having your picture taken with George W. Bush

7. They make great gifts for that special mistress in your life (eh Jim?)

6. It will keep Jimmy the Hustler off all five street corners of Iowa

5. It's the official t-shirt of the Iowa Pro-Lifers for the Reinstatement of the Death Penalty (IPLRDP)

4. They’re the new rage* in Manchester, Iowa
(*The t-shirts, not the Nussles)

3. They make great conversation starters at political and church functions

2. Bob Vander Plaats bought one

1. Jimmy needs the extra cheddar to help support his blogging fix and habit of writing about himself in the third person

"Nussle Hustle" Helps Feed Nussle's Muse

2006-09-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

The Democrats' new song, “Nussle Hustle,” a parody of the classic ‘70s hit “The Hustle,” has sparked Nussle’s muse, yours truly: Jimmy the Hustler. I remember when, before he sold his soul to the Republican Party, Jim harbored fantasies of becoming a professional dancer. Countless evenings, spent alone in his Manchester home, Jim would play “The Hustle” on his 8-track player and dance the forbidden dance. These memories, along with my years in D.C., have inspired me to pen the following parody based on the Oscar-winning ditty of the same name:

It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp

You know it’s hard out there for a pimp
When hustlin' yo’ money for big government
For the Pentagon and tax money spent
Because a whole lot of bureaucrats talkin’ change
Will have a whole lot of bureaucrats takin’ change

In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in D.C.
Gotta couple lobbyists workin’ on the changes for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like G-Dub on game night
Like takin’ money from big oil, I know that ain’t right
Done seen people killed, done seen people beg and plea
Done seen people live in poverty on my big-screen TV
It’s messed up where I live, but that’s just how it is,
It might be new to you, but it’s been like that for years
It’s blood, sweat, and tears when it comes to hustlin’ for big government
I’m trying to get rich ‘fore I leave my D.C. penthouse tenement
Takin’ my hustle to all five corners of Iowa
Prayin’ and hopin’ to God my D.C. hustle doesn’t slip, yeah

You know it’s hard out there for a pimp
When hustlin' yo’ money for bigger government
For the Pentagon and tax money spent
Because a whole lot of bureaucrats talkin’ change
Will have a whole lot of bureaucrats takin’ change

Man it seems like I’m duckin’ and dodgin' bullets everyday
Liberals hatin’ on me cause I got nothin’ new to say
But I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water
Couldn’t keep up with my special interests, that’s when hustlin’ got harder
Manchester is where I’m from; Terrace Hill is where I’m bound
Where da people’s voices ain’t gonna be found
Man these peeps think thangs are gonna change fo’ the best
They’ll come hopin’ ever night, they don’t end up broke ‘n’ homeless
Wait, I’ll bend an ear for the workers too
You pay the right price and I’ll help yo’ money work for you
That’s the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin’
Gotta have my hustle tight, makin’ change off the voters, yeah

Nussle Adopts “Duck & Cover” Strategy to Combat Wedge Issues

2006-09-06T15:43:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time before the Wedge issues would manifest in the campaign, only this time it was the Democrats who drew first blood, pouncing on Jim’s equivocal responses on a survey that the Nussle campaign* completed for a voter guide published by Project Vote Smart, a nonpartisan group (I told Jimbo to guess ‘C’ and warned him that one day his standardized test responses would come back to haunt him.). In the survey, the eight-term congressman indicated support for legal abortion only in the first trimester, a departure from how he has completed the surveys in past campaigns.

Fortunately, Jim has adopted a policy and political strategy for dealing with incoming Wedge Bombs, or W-bombs. Using the underlying principles of the “Duck and Cover” program adopted by Americans during the 1950s, Nussle has implemented a similar policy. In the 1950s, American citizens were trained to seek cover whenever they heard a siren, the siren indicating an incoming nuclear warhead. The idea behind the program was that if a careful citizen were to hide underneath, let’s say a school desk, they would be safe from the immediate impact of the nuclear warhead. This would provide a temporary reprieve and after the initial impact, one could seek a nearby shelter and wait until the nuclear fallout had completely “settled.”

Jim’s “Duck and Cover” policy takes a similar approach. When Jim’s political base gets a signal, usually a press release from his campaign, supporters are conditioned to seek refuge and assume the official Duck and Cover position (coined the C Cubed Method: Close your eyes, Cup your hands over your ears, and Cry “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..” over and over until the W-bomb has hit and the subsequent political fallout has had adequate time to settle).

In the meantime, Nussle and his Campaign have adopted the following defense measures to help facilitate “damage control” and expedite the post-W-bomb fallout process, thus providing his base with the necessary reassurance that the Liberals have not landed and the world is not going to “hell in a hand basket.”

When a W-Bomb hits:

*SEPARATE & RETURN FIRE: The key to quickly diffusing a W-bomb is to immediately separate oneself from the issue by creating a wedge between you and the issue. Never speak directly, but rather, employ your Campaign, your campaign manager, or your running mate to speak for you, defending you while simultaneously attacking your opponent. This way you cannot be linked or nailed down to having directly stated a clear position. (This strategy has been thoroughly effective for Mafia kingpins and has seen similar success with Don Nussle.)

News Release from Nick Ryan, Nussle’s Campaign Manager:

Defend: "Jim Nussle is 100% pro-life and his 16 year record serving Iowa illustrates his commitment to always choosing life. Jim is proudly pro-life and has not changed his position on this issue. As Governor, Jim will sign legislation that supports and encourages taking steps toward a society that continues to respect and value life. Currently in Iowa, it is legal to have an abortion in the second or third trimester. Jim would sign a law that bans second and third trimester abortions because it saves lives. Jim does not personally favor first trimester abortions.”

Attack: “Jim has always been and will continue to be abundantly clear about his positions on these issues, unlike his opponent who has chosen to hide his extreme, liberal positions from voters by failing to even have the courage to respond to nonpartisan surveys like this. It is clear one reason Chet Culver does not want to debate is to further hide his liberal views from Iowans. Iowans deserve better from Chet Culver - it is beneath a candidate for Governor to duck, run, and hide his positions on important issues from voters."

Statement issued by Bob Vander Plaats (on behalf of Jim Nussle):

Defend: "Jim Nussle has a 100% Pro-Life voting record, he has a hundred percent rating from the Nation Right To Life organization, the Family Research Council, he is a hundred percent Pro-Life.”

Attack: “But I think it shows our opponent would love to make this debate about abortion, to make it an emotional issue so we don't have to talk about rating the IPERS fund to invest in high-risk start-up company's."**

(**Note: The counter-attack doesn’t have to be relevant to the issue at hand, and in fact, it’s preferred that an irrelevant issue is employed -- so as to divert the electorate form the W-bomb’s impact.)

DIVORCE: If the SEPARATE & RETURN FIRE should prove ineffective, the next measure is to divorce oneself from the issue, either ignoring the issue entirely or pretending it never happened. This strategy should not be confused with the traditional state-of-denial strategy, because in effect, the SRF strategy relinquishes the intended target from any responsibility for having directly said anything in the first place.

Statement issued by Jimmy the Hustler (on behalf of Jim Nussle):

“Jim’s Duck and Cover policy has a proven track record. It’s not only been used successfully in his political career, but it proved effective when W-bombs such as Infidelity, Adultery, and Divorce fell in to his lap while campaigning in the mid-‘90s. Opponents tried to dog Nussle with these bombs, especially since he was running on a Family Values platform, but Jim was able to employ the DIVORCE component of the ‘Duck and Cover’ plan and was successful, both figuratively and literally.”

With less than two months remaining before the election, I recommend that you adopt or review your own “Duck & Cover” contingency plan; it may one day save your life…

Nussle Takes Day Off from Scapegoating Unions

2006-09-04T20:36:00.000-05:00

While most Americans celebrated Labor Day by picnicking with families, attending parades, shopping, or wondering why the mailman didn’t deliver their unemployment check, Jim took a reprieve from the campaign trail and made a vow to spend the whole day without scapegoating the unions for all of our economic woes. I hope all you folks in the labor and teacher unions enjoyed your day of rest, because, trust me, Jim will be back with a vengeance. In the meantime, Jim’s put his favorite attack dog, Nick Ryan (alias: campaign manager), to work, sicking him on Culver and Chet’s unwillingness to debate our beloved master all eight times.

Now we all know that during his congressional tenure, Jim hasn’t been a big supporter of labor unions, but in Jim’s defense, show me one Republican who has, and I’ll show you a congressman at the bottom of the East River wearing cement-filled Crocks.

Lately, Jim’s received a lot of flack for promising to raise the federal minimum wage from the stagnated $5.15 an hour, saying the raise is “long overdue.” And so what if Jim voted against raising the minimum wage every time it came up for a vote. And so what if Jim voted himself a pay raise every time it’s come up. What people tend to forget during these partisan politic wars is just how much purchasing power a $5.15 wage earner has in the good ol’ U.S.A.

Jimmy the Hustler’s Minimum Wage Purchasing Power Index:

(Note: The following is based on a single wage earner making $5.15/hour and their purchasing power after taxes (est. 28%))

Number of months it would take a single wage earner to surpass the threshold poverty line for the year 2005: 16.1 months

Amount Congress members pay has gone up since the last time they voted to increase the minimum wage: $31, 600

Number of years it would take a single wage earner to match pay raises Congress has voted for themselves since the last time they raised the minimum wage: 4.4 years

Number of months it would take for a single wage earner to match last year’s pay raise for congress members: 5.2 months

Number of months it would take a single wage earner to have his picture taken with George W. Bush at Jim Nussle fundraiser: 16.9 months

Minimum wage rate if workers’ wages had increased at the same rate of CEO pay since 1990: $23.03/hour

Number of yearly minimum-wage salaries Jim could have paid out with money he spent on his 2004 campaign: 228

Nussle Wants to Replace “Doublespeak” with “Nusslespeak”

2006-09-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

Jim Nussle said that it would be a significant human lapse in management miscalculation (stupid human error) to remove “doublespeak” from his campaign bid for Governor. Doublespeak is Iowa’s unofficial political language and is defined as the language used to deliberately construct, disguise, or distort its actual meaning with the intent of confusing non-doublespeaking Iowans about the true intentions of the candidate. Nussle says it’s time for like-minded people to stop apologizing for telling uninformed voters it’s important to learn Doublespeak. Nussle also said,“To unambiguously explain to voters that they can survive in our society these days without recognizing they’re being continuously manipulated by Doublespeak is a big mistake. Iowa voters need to know when and how they’re being manipulated, so they can actively engage in the manipulation process, thus becoming better-informed citizens and proud participants in a collectively duped society.”

Nussle would like to take the level of political discourse one step lower by advocating his own version of neo-Doublespeak, “Nusslespeak.” Doublespeak implies there are two meanings and Nussle would like to help simplify the rhetorical process by reducing language and political discourse to just one meaning, Jim’s meaning -- or “Nusslespeak.” Internal polling at “Nussle & Flow” indicate that the less potential voters know about an issue, the more informed they feel about their decisions when it comes to participating in the manipulative process.

To help voters become better informed citizens (see glossary) and fully participate in the manipulative political process, the downsized staff of “Nussle & Flow” has created an abridged glossary of terms and Nusslespeak translations. Here are just a few:

accountability: holding individuals and the institutes they serve responsible for their actions, especially to the taxpayers

Nusslespeak: accountability is primarily reserved for the public schools and does not include officials elected to either the legislative or executive branches of government* or corporations who contribute large sums of unmarked bills to Republican campaigns (buzz words: standardized testing, moral obligation)

*This includes extra-marital affairs and/or other biblical sins.

big government: multiple layers of bureaucracy piled upon one another, thus making government less effective/efficient; Outside corporate factors which control all or part of the government

Nusslespeak: friends (campaign contributors) who support Nussle’s policies. (buzzwords: NCLB, Office of Inspector General, Blue Ribbon Commission, statewide education standards)

economic development: luring businesses to Iowa with the intent of lining pockets of wealthiest Americans who reside outside of the state

Nusslespeak: payback time for fiends in D.C. (buzz words: corporate hog lots, outsourcing, tax cuts)

informed citizens: people whose main source of information doesn’t come from FOX News

Nusslespeak: base voters and/or the roughly 49% (or less) of voting pool, who, because they’re informed about all of the candidates, choose not to vote for anyone (buzz words: Nussle supporters)

quality of life: improving the overall quality of life for ALL straight, white Iowans, who are middle-class or above

Nusslespeak: deporting illegal immigrants, outlawing gay marriage, recapturing the “whitest” state crown, transplanting D.C. culture in Iowa (buzzwords: immigration reform, homosexual agenda)

What’s in a Political Pimp’s Name?

2006-08-29T21:45:00.000-05:00

One of my loyal peeps out in the political blogsphere alerted me to a web site for “the elevated player,” where you can enter your name and have it pimpified right in front of your very own eyes. As Jim and I know, the key to a good hustle and spinning webs of mass deception is adopting an image that commands respect on the one hand, while the other slips in and steals a vote with the other. On the stiletto heels of “The Pimp Almighty” poll, I thought it only fitting to plug in some names and see what the Pimpify machine kicked out. I first entered Jim Nussle’s name, and I kid you not, it kicked out, “President Nussle Kicks.” Now I told you Iowa was a mere stepping stone for the Jimster, and now you have yet another viable source.

Here are some of the other Pimpified name results of noteworthy players:

Bob Vander Plaats: Delicious Bob Dazzle (I’m thinking it’s never too late for Bob to make a name change before the election.)

George W. Bush: Dopetastic George Wicked

Donald Rumsfeld: Treacherous D. Slim

Charles Grassley: Pimp Daddy Charles Dazzle

Ronald Reagan: Mr. White Chocolate Slim

Karl Rove: Master Pimp K. Luthor

Ready to get your A-game on, elevated player? Get your own pimp name: Pimpafy Here!

Poll Indicates Nussle Will Reign O’er Uncle Sam

2006-08-27T14:57:00.000-05:00

The Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam, better get set to relinquish his throne, for the “Nussle & Flow” voters have spoken, and it looks like my better half, Jim Nussle, is poised to be the next Almighty Pimp. Traditionally speaking, I’m not a big fan of reading into poll numbers, unless of course they support my own cause, but this poll should help give Jim the election boost he’s been looking for. What’s even more impressive about Jim’s poll numbers is the field of candidates he beat out for this prestigious honor, which included Donald Rumsfeld, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and Tricky Dick Nixon. Now these guys have hustled more voters and pimped out more soldiers’ than Jim could ever even imagine, but who knows, with Jim’s fuzzy math skills, there’s no way of accurately gauging his true pimp potential. Or maybe I should give my readers more credit for seeing Jim’s bid for Iowa governor for what it really is: a four-year hiatus from D.C. and stepping stone for higher office, say the White House.

George W. Bush congratulations his young pimp protege, Nussle, joking: "We got some kinda Oedipus thing goin' on here, Jim? First you blindside me with this, and then you're gonna have me whacked before making Laura the third Misses?"

3. Ronald Reagan (20%): The Great Pretender made a valiant posthumous run for the Almighty Pimp title, but his Cold War pimp feats, like most of the past, were lost by voters as his legacy was filtered through nostalgic lenses. Let's hope the same thing holds true for Jim's congressional record, eh?

2. Donald Rumsfeld (25%):

Due to his strategic "Pimp 'N' Die" strategy in Iraq, Rumsfeld was poised to take the crown, but thanks to the unbridled success of his peeps' spin machine, his legacy was whitewashed. Bubbling with hubris, Rumsfeld had pre-purchased pimp hats to help celebrate his certain victory.

1. Jim Nussle (40%): A purple and zebra-skin striped velour pimp hat goes off to "The Once and Future Pimp," Jim Nussle. Obviously, I knew he had It in him; it was only a matter of time before the people recognized his pimp potential.

Be careful, Jim and company, your pimp prowess has not slipped by unnoticed by the Pimp Tax Man:

Bad Pimp, Bad Pimp, whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when Grassley comes for you…?

Nussle Endorses Exploitation of Child Labor in Political Markets

2006-08-23T12:15:00.000-05:00

Yes folks, as Thomas Friedman puts it ‘The World is Flat,” and if we’re going to be contenders in the global market, it’s time Iowa adopts some of our competitors' strategies. Thanks to NAFTA, the World Trade Organization, and outsourcing, other countries have successfully tapped into the cheap labor market, and it’s time we follow their lead and start exploiting our children as well. The days of “money for nothing” and collecting weekly unemployment (allowance) are numbered. Not only will this save money for the state and our country, but the sooner we begin exploiting our children, the more marketable they’ll be when all of the jobs have left Iowa and the United States.

Being the true visionary he is, Jim read the writing on one of the walls along the Mexican border and took the initiative by recruiting young foot soldiers for his gubernatorial campaign. Although the volunteer work is only temporary, meaning they won’t receive health benefits or pension bonuses, these children will be better prepared to survive on the leveled global playing field when they graduate -- assuming of course the public schools aren’t outsourced as well.

A junior member of Nussle's Toddler Corps takes up a strategic post, positioning and marketing herself for a Nussle rally set to commence 8 hours later.

A new recruit for Nussle's Infant Corps attends a training meaning and attentatively watches a training video, ABCommunism and the Dark Side of Unions.

A member of Nussle's Junior Corps proudly displays her Nussle lunch sack which she earned after her initial two weeks of service.

A group of Nussle's Junior Corps take one of their two 15 minute breaks to help break up the 16-hour work day.

“2 + 2 = 5”: Nussle’s World Class Education Just Doesn’t Add Up

2006-08-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

If I had a dollar for every time I said to Jim, “We’re not in Washington, D.C. anymore,” I would have a million dollars in my pocket – or roughly half that if we were to use Jim’s “fuzzy math.” It’s no secret among House Budget Committee members that Jim’s no big fan of mathematics. Jim spent many a weekend, he lost count after 10, attending remedial check book management classes for over-drafting our nation’s check book. Jim also hates long division and doesn’t believe in the practice of carrying over remainders (but has no problem borrowing, go figure). I’ve tried home schooling, but the resistance is strong with the Jimster.

I warned Jim that it was only a matter of time before the voting populace caught on to the Bush Administration’s Orwellian Strategy, “Two Plus Two Equals Five”. The Bush Administration borrowed the concept from George Orwell’s book, 1984, thinking nobody would remember anything that happened during the Reagan Administration. The basic premise underlying the strategy relies on the repetition of a false or illogical premise until people believe it. It’s worked well thus far, but as I’ve told Jim over and over and over, that the pendulum is shifting (apparently the same concept doesn’t work for me, eh?). I even played a continuous thread of Radiohead’s song “2 + 2 = 5” (from their 6th album, Hail to the Thief (above right)) for Jim, but he refused to believe the song was a critique of his adoptive father. Like I said earlier, the resistance is strong with the Jimster.

While attending an elementary school as a guess speaker, Jim's quite pleased to see the teacher and students raise five fingers when asked, "What's 2 + 2?" (And who said teaching to the test wasn't effective?)

So it came as no surprise when a number of Iowa’s teachers, math teachers I presume, contacted Jim and called him out on his statement regarding the latest state-by-state ACT scores. Iowa ranked third in the nation with an average of 22.1 points out of a possible 36. Iowa finished behind its Midwestern peeps, Minnesota (22.3) and Wisconsin (22.2). Jim said that a third place finish by Iowa students was unacceptable, claiming Iowa's education system isn't world class: "It was trumpeted by our leaders in Iowa that Iowa's number three in ACT test scores…I don't think that's setting the standard." The part that got teachers all riled up is Nussle’s plan to raise Iowa teachers’ salaries up to the national average. So Jim’s not satisfied with students finishing in the 96th percentile, but promises to raise teachers’ salaries to the 75th percentile? That alone is a 21 percent discrepancy, Jim. Did you seriously think Iowa teachers were going to fall for this hustle?

This isn’t the first time Jim’s numbers didn’t add up:

No Child Left Behind Act: the intended purpose of this legislative “reform” was to bridge the gap between low-end-and high-end students. This made sense to Jim and that’s why he voted for it. Since the accountability component relies on standardized norm-based testing, a certain percentage of students will always be on the bottom end/percentile. Regardless of how much every student improves in Iowa, 40% will always be labeled ‘non-proficient.” This said I think we need to rename the act: “Forty Percent of Our Children Will Always Be Left Behind. (FPOCWABLB).”

Minimum Wage + Invisible Hand = Increased Buying Power: Jim still believes in Adam Smith’s outdated invisible hand theory that suggests if the market is left alone, the invisible hand will guide it accordingly. Thanks to the reverse invisibility serum dropped in to D.C. water coolers, we now know whose pockets the invisible hand has visited, leaving behind contribution gifts in its wake. Since September 1997, the purchasing power of the minimum wage has deteriorated by 20 percent. After adjusting for inflation, the value of the minimum wage is at its lowest level since 1955. Jim has had some doubts about the theory, so just in case the invisible hand doesn’t make its rounds in D.C., Jim voted himself in congressional raises.

One Man + One Woman = Marriage: Jim has already modified this formula to help account for his adulterous past and dip into the infidelity pool. The new formula in Iowa will be One Man + Two Wives* = Sanctity of Marriage.

*One cannot be married simultaneously to the wives, nor can the two wives be married to one another.

Jim’s not too worried about his math skills and knows that he’ll win the election by putting all 30 of his gold pieces in one war chest and focus on the gubernatorial debates. “Borrowing” from the ever-loquacious Mel Gibson’s 1985 film, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Jim’s already adopted his Thunderdome bloodlust debate strategy:

“Two Men Enter, One Man Leave…”

"Two Men Enter, One Man Leave..."

Jim's proposed site of second gubernatorial debate

Nussle Parades Patriotism via Flag Desecration

2006-08-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

Nussle, one of the staunchest advocates for the protection of our most sacred symbol, the U.S. flag, takes his hustle to the streets of Iowa, hustlin’ votes from the Everyjohn*. Jim’s sporting a desecrated flag shirt, stitched by the hands of a malnourished, nine year old girl in a Malaysian sweatshop owned by an American corporation. The style of the shirt was made popular in the late 1960s when Abbie Hoffman, outspoken member of the counterculture, was arrested by the Chicago police and charged with "flag desecration" at the Democratic National Convention for wearing a similar shirt (Ah yes, the good ‘ol days, eh Jim?) -- only Abbie’s shirt (right) was long- sleeved and sewn by machine in an American factory.

Jim and the Everyjohn joke around with the latter’s son, kidding about how one day his generation may depend on sweatshop labor to help pay off the accrued interest on the current deficit Jim helped build with his own two hands. (above left)

Caution: Don’t sit too close to the campfire Jim, I’d hate to see your shirt catch afire and go up in flames.

*Everyjohn: a derivation of the term Everyman which symbolizes the ordinary individual, with whom people can identify. Everyjohn symbolizes the potential “tricks” one can hustle or turn for profit, whether it’s sexual or political solicitation.

Nussle Plans to Renovate Terrace Hill in January

2006-08-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

With only 84 shopping days left until the November Election, Jim and the Mrs. II are already sketching out big plans to renovate their new home in Des Moines. It’s no secret that Jim’s become used to living a life of luxury in D.C., and the thought of downsizing and moving into the cramped quarters of Terrace Hill has made Jim feel a little uneasy. Jim’s been very busy drawing up floor plans, building models, and hiring computer architects to create a computer generated image of what the new improved Terrace Hill will look like when it’s finished. Jim’s very proud about his creative accomplishments and continually reminds me that it’s creative ideas like these that will help energize Iowa’s future.

Draft of Jim's floor plan for Terrace Hill makeover (originally done in crayons)

Jim's three-dimensional model of new improvedTerrace Hill

A computer generated image of what the newly renovated Terrace Hill will look like next year

Nussle to Replace DNR Hog Lot Czar with Totalitarian Oversight Committee

2006-08-14T13:13:00.000-05:00

‘Ole Jim mounted the “soapbox” at the Iowa State Fair and attempted to get in touch with his Iowa roots by unleashing a perfunctory hog call, “Soooieee.” His attempt to hustle votes hooked a dozen or so passersby who were upset about corporate hog lots in Iowa (left). Feeling a little uneasy, Jim attempted to comfort onlookers with a numbing barrage of sound bytes from his stump speech. Nussle later joked that the interest from bystanders made him nervous: "I was kind of hoping people would just keep going.” For the love of Karl Rove, this is no way to pimp votes, Jim.

Jim also weighed in with his proposal to nullify a rule granting the Department of Natural Resources’ director more power to reject plans for new livestock confinements: "I do not believe that the director of the Department of Natural Resources should have sole, independent, czar authority without any review or oversight.”

Nussle attempts to assuage fears of a gathering mob by explaining why Iowa needs factory farms to help boost the economy and help replenish political candidates "war chests" with dirty pig money.

When a bystander cried foul and shouted, “What about all the family-operated hog farmers who were driven out of the hog busine ss because of the cu rrent laws.”

Jim paused, assumed a czar-like speaking stance, and decried, “LET THEM EAT PORK!”

In lieu of a DNR Czar, Jim would like to appoint a non-partisan totalitarian committee which would be responsible for reviewing and overseeing the development of new livestock confinements. Tentatively, Jim plans to appoint the following members to the totalitarian committee:

Boss Hog: While his name alone commands respect, Boss Hog has a proven track record in Hazzard County with regard to feeding the troughs of corporate interests. Boss Hog also brings name recognition to the table, and this will help boost the committee's oversight efforts, not to mention his appointment will help encourage out-of-state hog operators to move their operations to Iowa.

Hog Calling Contestant "495": Contestant 495 will be in charge of public relations and communications. Her hog-calling skills will be an important facet in the global economy when attempting to lure out-of-state hogs to Iowa. Not only will this help make Iowa the pork-producing capital of the world, it will help improve Iowa's quality of life - as captured in The Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come."

Babe: America's most loveable pig brings a unique voice to the committee, one of which can cross species' lines. Babe is a proven stateseman in both the rural and urban communities. When Babe speaks, animals listen, and it's essential to have an advocate for the animals to help keep them pacified, thus avoiding any open rebellions reminiscent of Animal Farm.

Nussle and Fellow Adulterer, Newt Gingrich, Reunite for "Night of 99 Ideas"

2006-08-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been intrigued by the prospect of “wife swapping,” but I find the idea of getting together to swap cuckold wife stories even more alluring. Jim is hosting one of his “Idea Raiser” parties this afternoon in Sioux City. To help energize things, he invited former house speaker and chronic adulterer, Newt Gingrich, to join us for a “Night of 99 Ideas.” I can’t wait to be a “fly on the wall” at this reunion of former House-mates and adulterers.

If you’ll recall, Jim was a young congressman from Iowa when Newt, the Master Player, ran the house. Newt’s sexual mores are quite impressive indeed. As a high school student, Newt seduced his geometry teacher, Jackie Battley, who he later married after knocking her up. The affair included night time romps in the back of the car until they got busted. While still married to Jackie, Newt hooked up with Anne Manning in D.C. and engaged in oral sex, which Newt later claimed wasn’t sex because oral sex doesn’t count. This was eventually coined “the Newt Defense.” Gingrich later hooked up with a younger woman, Marianne, and had an adulterous affair with her until he divorced Jackie, after confronting her in her hospital room where she was recovering from uterine cancer surgery and insisted they discuss the divorce terms he was seeking.

During an interview on Fox News, Newt Gingrich recounts the number of times he committed adultery while his first wife, Jackie, was in the hospital recovering from uterine cancer surgery.

Golly, with a role model like that, it’s no wonder poor, young, impressionable Jim inevitably succumbed to the temptations of the adulterous world and hooked up with Karen while campaigning on a Family Values agenda. And he won and keeps on winning, so there’s something to be said about having adulterous skeletons in your closet.

With America's most beloved phallic symbol in the backdrop, Newt Gingrich poses with current wife and "future" cuckold, Callista.

When these two lust-filled minds hook up today, I can only imagine what kind of ideas they’ll come up with to help energize Iowa’s future. I’ve already scribbled down some ideas to help get the party started:

The 9 Commandments Commandment: Have “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” carefully chiseled out of “The 10 Commandments” and mandate that all government buildings visibly display the Newt Improved “9 Commandments.”

“The Newt Defense”: Add an amendment to the Iowa constitution that explicitly states that “oral sex is not a sexual act,” and revise the Abstinence Education Curriculum, clearly indicating this distinction, so teenagers may run around and indulge in all the oral sex they can fathom without having to relinquish their Virginity Pledge Buttons. In addition, all Sodomy laws in the Iowa Code will be revised to reflect these changes.

Adopt “Three Strikes – You’re Out Policy”: Add an Amendment to the Iowa Penal Code that states: “any person found guilty of committing three counts of adultery will be permanently exiled from Iowa and deported to Washington D.C.” Of course we’ll have to grandfather this law in so we all start with a clean count, eh Jim?

These ideas should help energize the state of Iowa and get the party rolling. I can’t wait. What ever will I wear?

The Straight Dope: Read adulterous "The Ballad of Jim Nussle" posted on Preponderance of Pondering. For a complete list of conservative guests invited to attend future "Idea Raisers" for the Nussle campaign, check out the list and links on "Pam's House Blend."

Nussle Unveils New Song to Help Re-Energize Iowa's PRIDE

2006-08-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

When I shared my RAGBRAI stories with Jim, he feigned interest, bobbing his head like one of his George W. Bush bobble dolls, until a motif manifested. Jim noticed that I mentioned that in just about every town, some cover band played Lynyrd Skynyrd’s song, “Sweet Home Alabama.” Ironically, Iowans seemed to have adopted this southern pride ditty as their own, singing along with reckless abandonment at every road stop. Jim and I agreed that Iowa was long overdue for a good old fashioned rock-‘n’roll song that symbolizes Iowa’ pride. Since I am the idea man of this operation, Jim turned the task over to me and here’s what I've come up with as a draft-in-progress:

Sweet Home Iowa, by Jimmy the Hustler

Big deals keep on churning
Carry me home to my constituents
Singing songs about the heartland
I’m already missing D.C.’s influence
And I think it’s a sin, yes

Well I heard Mister Abramoff talk about her
Well, I heard ole Jack put her down
Well, I hope Jack Abramoff will remember
This good ole D.C. boy ain’t gonna pay him back anyhow

Sweet home Iowa
Where the skies once were blue
Sweet home Iowa
Corporate farmers, I’m coming home to roost

On Terrace Hill they love the Governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now adultery does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

Sweet home Iowa
Where the people had work and paid their dues
Sweet home Iowa
Lord Vishnu, we’re sending more jobs to you
Here they come India

Now Steve King’s district has got the right wing
And they’ve been known to pick a wedge issue or two
Oh George they get me off so much
They contribute money when my wallet's feeling blue
Now how about you?

Sweet home Iowa
Where the gays will never marry
Sweet home Iowa
Some day George, I’ll come back to you

Sweet home Iowa
Oh sweet home baby
Where the state is now blue
And the governor’s true
Georgy
Georgy, I’ll come back to you
Yea, yea D.C.’s got all the answers

Running with Jim’s "Idea Raising" bit, feel free to add your own stanza in the comments, and let’s see if, together, we can craft a song all flag-wielding Iowans can be proud of singing.

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Daze 4-7)

2006-08-07T10:42:00.000-05:00

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

Day 4 (Waukee to Newton): On the fourth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be billions and billions budgeted for bombs and bombs and more bombs, and it was good.

In Newton, Lance Armstorng makes a plea to Iowans for more money budgeted for cancer research, indicating that the current administration cut cancer research for the first time in 35 years. Armstrong compared the lives lost on 9/11 to the ongoing lives lost in the world of cancer: "In the world of cancer, 9/11 happens every other day."

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Day 5 (Newton to Marengo): On the fifth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be Angels clothed in hot pink and made in the image of Anne Coulter, and it was good.

One of Ann Coulter's fallen angels mounts a bicycle on a quest to find her soulmate, Jimmy the Hustler, and inject him with venomous slander.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Day 6 (Marengo to Coralville): On the sixth day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be evidence that proves Lance Armstrong is indeed a human being, and it was good.

In an attempt to earn her wings, another one of Ann Coulter's fallen angels gathers photographic evidence of Lance Armstrong's human remains to help prove he's human and indeed serves a higher power, the Republican Party.

And Nussle said, Let there be public accountability and an end to "cronyism" and bonuses for state employees.

Iowa Hawkeye quarterback, Drew Tate, informs his coach and the next Iowa governor's boss, Kirk Ferentz, that Nussle has a plan to eliminate state bonuses. Not realizing the microphone is on, Ferentz makes an off-the cuff comment, "We'll see about that. I have an idea where we can put that key to the city of Coralville."

And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Day 7 (Coralville to Muscatine): On the seventh day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be an Iowa Alumni Network to track emigrants, and it was good.

Upon hearing the latest Wall Street Journal/John Zogby survey showing Nussle leading Culver by 3 percentage points, thousands of RAGBRAI riders attempt to flee Iowa via the Mississippi River. Before they could cross the river, Nussle's legion of volunteers tagged the emigrants so their movements could be tracked on the other side of the river.

And the evening and the morning were the seventh day.

Nussle’s Plan to Energize Iowa (Batteries Not Included)

2006-08-04T11:15:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time before people discovered that my better half, Jim, hasn’t expressed an original idea since he graced the House floor donning a paper bag over his head (which was my idea by the way). After Bob jumped into the sack with us, all Jim had to do was watch the Democratic contenders duke it out while Jim sat ringside and cherry picked their ideas. On behalf of Jim, I would like to extend thanks to Chet for his renewable energy initiatives, Mike Blouin for his ideas on job creation and how to grow the economy, and Ed Fallon for his plans to provide affordable, accessible health care and the restoration of public trust in the government. We would like to further extend our gratitude to Fallon for his campaign strategy of “Get 10 to Win” (now “Tell 5 Friends”; we didn’t want to overextend our grassroots efforts).

Have no fear, Republican; Jim has not morphed into a Democrat, or worse, the L-word. This is just window dressing and the Devil is in the details, and that’s where I come in to play. If you so dare to peek behind the curtain, you’ll see the real Wizard of Jim’s campaign, yours truly. First we pull the Karl Rove levers, “Gay Marriage” and "Immigration,” and watch the smoke fill the stage, distracting Iowa voters from the substantive issues. Next, we fire up the Republican Attack Machine and push the Character Assassination buttons to throw Camp Chet into a political tizzy. When the smoke begins to clear, we pull the Illusion lever and convince Iowans that they’re all on the Yellow-Brick Road by holding “Idea Raisers” across Iowa.

At a Christmas Costume and White Elephant Gift Exchange party in D.C., Karl Rove (right) passes on his makeshift heart to Jim Nussle (left)

These parties were so exclusive that even I, Jimmy the Hustler, was not invited. Nonetheless I managed to slip my ideas into Jim’s pile:

No Congressman Left Behind Amendment: As part of the original NCLB Act, a provision should be added that requires all congresspersons to take a standardized test on every piece of legislation and must score a level of proficiency (75%) to be eligible to vote. Any congressperson who fails to vote on any piece of legislation during a session will be placed on a “warning” list, and two consecutive non-compliances will result in probation. One component of probation will be to pay $2000 to any constituent who wants to relocate to a new district (this should help completely depopulate Steve King’s district in western Iowa, making it an attractive piece of real estate for Nebraska.). The same provision would extend to executive branches when wielding VETO power, although, unlike nepotism, this is a foreign concept to Jim and his adopted father, George W. Bush.

The “Catch and Release” Program: Jim already co-opted my idea, dubbing it the “Iowa Alumni Network”. I doubt expatriates are going to willingly comply with this notion - eagerly submitting their whereabouts and contact information, so marketers can call them up every month and attempt to convince them to return to Iowa, or guilt them into donating money to help replenish and balance the state’s budget. This is why we need to be more aggressive. We can create yet another governmental department charged with the responsibility of catching former Iowans, tagging them, carefully monitoring their habits to help build a marketing data base that we can sell to other marketers or presidential hopefuls.

The Iowa Veterans Exchange Program: Instead of Jim’s “Iowa Veterans Hero Initiative,” this program would mandate that all members of the legislative and executive branches of the Iowa government trade places with an Iowa Veteran one weekend a month and one month out of the year. The goal is to see if politicians can actually live off Veterans’ benefits during the exchange period. Failure to do so will be cause for revocation of “Veteran” status, thus making the exchangee eligible for active duty in Iraq or Afghanistan or whatever new Occupation pops up during the War on Terror.

If these ideas fail to energize Jim’s campaign, I may have no other choice but to close my eyes, tap my patent leather shoes together three times and repeat, “There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C. There’s no place like D.C.”

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 3: Audubon to Waukee)

2006-08-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the third day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let the Federal Government grow even larger with the addition of a new division to Homeland Security. Charged with the resposibility of monitoring potential two-wheeled terrorists, "Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad" was created and no reports of any path-side bombings have been reported ever since, and it was good.

National Security Agent, Scott Fleming, mounts a camera to his bicycle as he prepares to patrol beer gardens, roadside breakfast burrito stands, and beer slides in an attempt to make bike riders feel more secure.

And Nussle said, Let there be sacrifices to Me and my fellow Gods for everything we have given and taken away from the mortals. Mortal Billy Hutchins offers obligatory sacrifice of Helios's sacred cattle as a gesture to Jim Nussle, offering Jim thanks for cutting taxes for the wealthy and helping continue trickle-down-economic policies responsible for the cow's emaciated state.

And Nussle said, Let the fruits of your labors and the benefits of trickle-down economics come raining down on the meek, and the clouds parted, and drops of rain trickled down, and it was good. Rider, 277890, tries to catch the omni-illusory benefits of trickle-down economics with his bike helmet.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 2: Ida Grove to Audubon)

2006-08-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the second day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be "Bloody Mary Goggles" for all the undecided voters, thus enticing them to overlook my congressional record and see me as the only viable candidate to take home for a rousing, all-night game of naked Twister, and it was good.

Three-time Naked Twister Champ, "Bloody Mary" Sue, scopes RAGBRAI field for hopes of luring Jim Nussle into her multi-colored polka dot lair.

And Nussle said, Let there be accountablity for improving math scores in all of Iowa's public schools, so children can compete on a global scale without the use of calculators and their toes; and 5 + 2 will equal 7 once again, and it was good.

Competing in the final round of the Lance Armstrong look alike contest, Marty Beauchamps raised seven fingers to indicate a non-verbal response to the question: What has the number seven come to represent? The possible answers were: a) The number of times Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France, b) The number of times Lance Armstrong was accused of blood doping upon winning the Tour de France, c) The number of days it took God to create the universe, d) The number of days it will take Jim Nussle to destroy Iowa if elected Governor, e) All of the above. Had Mr. Beauchamps merely said "E" he would have been crowned champion.

And Nussle said, Let no embryo be destroyed for the purpose of stem cell research, but rather, the embryos should be stuffed in nylon duffle bags and donated to the First Annual RAGBRAI Embryo Grab Bag fundraiser to benefit the Right Wing Republicans Against Cloning Themselves Organization, and it was good.
An anonymous RAGBRAI biker sifts through the pile of embryo grab bags with the hope of finding some lucky embryo.

And the evening and the morning were the second day.

The First Apocalyptic Book of Nussle, called RAGBRAI (Day 1: Sergeant Bluff to Ida Grove)

2006-07-31T18:17:00.000-05:00

Prologue: My name is Jimmy the Hustler, and I am a RAGBRAI survivor. The purpose of my bike journey across Iowa was supposed to be of a therapeutic nature and was prescribed to help alleviate Jim from some of the underlying stress feeding his “Chronic Selective Amnesia.” But my Trek took a sharp turn into an apocolyptic adventure the moment I entered Sergeant Bluff and assumed the persona of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse. A large part of RAGBRAI (what Jim STILL thinks stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa) is recreating yourself, and by assuming the identity of The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse, I fell into a self-prophetic mode. During this hypnotic state, I saw Iowa recreated through Jim Nussle’s trifocal lenses as First District of Iowa State Representive of Iowa, the Budget Committee Chair in the House of Representatives, and Gubernatorial Candidate for Iowa.

I, The Lone Rider of the Apocalypse (alias Jimmy the Hustler), bare witness to the following accounts:

On the first day of RAGBRAI, Nussle said, Let there be beer and there were beer gardens and it was good.

Nussle (far right) contemplates riding the SAG van after his thorough inspections of the beer garden in Anthon.

And Nussle said, Let "Nussle Water" be gathered from hot springs under the heavens, bottled by cheap immigrant labor, housed in Wal-Mart Supercenters, and distributed by brainwashed volunteers to bikers along the RAGBRAI route. The bikers were dehydrated, the water was disgustingly warm, the bottles were chucked in nearby ditches, and it was good.

Stepford Nussle Drones attempt to baptize potential voters with "Nussle Water" as they hand out warm water to dehydrated bikers riding into the apocalyptic abyss.

And Nussle said, Let there be NO more illegal immigrants or homosexuals or persons exhibiting homosexual behaviors in Iowa, and the usual suspects were rounded up and deported to Mexico, regardless of their nationality, and it was good again.

An Italian immigrant and man dressed in pink flamingo attire were captured on the RAGBRAI route and contained in a makeshift bamboo holding pen wired with electricity (built by cheap immigrant labor) in Representative Steve King's backyard until they could be properly deported to Mexico. Their bikes were auctioned off to raise money for King's reelection bid.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Jim Nussle Diagnosed with “Chronic Selective Amnesia”

2006-07-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

Just after the Republican Primary, Jim Nussle was diagnosed with Post-Uncontested Primary Traumatic Disorder – a psychological ailment that attacks the mind and the central nervous system. According to an anonymous, yet reputable source: “What Mr. Nussle has is not uncommon among politicians who run unopposed for office. Often times, the stress of not having an opponent to run against someone subconsciously attacks the mind, because the mental immune system is left unguarded. There are other concerns and risks regarding the psychosomatic effects stemming from P.U.P.T.D., and it appears Nussle’s condition has degenerated into a more severe form of P.U.P.T.D. known as ‘Chronic Selective Amnesia.’”

According to experts, Chronic Selective Amnesia, or C.S.A., is a condition in which the patient’s brain enacts a coup d’etat on the memory, and on a subconscious level the patient consciously may choose to forget any skeletons in the past as the conscious reconstructs the present, casting it in a new light while simultaneously deluding the facts. Since the primary, Nussle has shown a number of symptoms indicating C.S.A. The following is a run-down of the top ten red flags that led to Jim’s diagnosis.

Jim has thoroughly convinced himself that:

10. Iowa is Washington, D.C.: Despite efforts by Jim’s handlers during his “Barnstorming Iowa” tour, Nussle still tells potential voters how proud he is to be from D.C. and promises to restore their city’s dignity back to the way it was before the current administration took over.

9. He’s running against Governor Tom Vilsack.

8. Karen is his FIRST wife: In an effort to shore up the conservative Republican base and inject homophobia into his “Quality of Life” plank, Jim is on a mission to preserve the sanctity of marriage by banning gay couples from getting married. In the process, Jim plum forgot his first marriage.

7. He IS Buzz Lightyear: Jim still runs around his home dressed in his ill-fitting Buzz Lightyear underoos, sporadically decrying, “I’m Buzz Lightyear. To infinity and beyond…”

6. While serving as the Chair on the House Budget Committee, Jim was certain the taxpayers’ money was his allowance, and he could spend it any way he damn well pleased.

5. He doesn’t have Chronic Selective Amnesia, it’s the Iowa voters who have C.S.A., and it is this collective state of denial that will help propel him into the Governor’s office come November.

4. The Log Cabin Republicans made him a permanent fixture on poker night because of his slick hustling abilities playing Texas Hold ‘Em Down. Jim thoroughly believes he always won because of his uncanny ability to spot fellow players’ obvious “tells” whenever they winked at him.

3. His 12-year voting record in the House and subsequent accumulation of booty and skeletons was the premise for the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie

2. The acronym RAGBRAI stands for Republicans Against Gay Bikers Riding Across Iowa

1. George W. Bush IS his FATHER…

(Note from Jimmy the Hustler: It’s clear that Jim has C.S.A. and is still stuck in the initial state of denial. And guess who he blames? If you guessed yours truly, you’re getting to know Jim better than I thought. Consequently, Jim’s sending me off next week for “therapeutic treatment” with a trained psychologist to “get away from it all.” We’ll be riding RAGBRAI to help support the Republican cause, and our trip is being funded by Bigots for Nussle. Jim threw in a proctologist for extra measure despite the fact that most riders swear that after the first couple of rides, your you-know-what gets used to it - so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the ride. No worries, I’ll be back the following Monday to keep you abreast of Jim’s condition.)

We Got Free Speech Yes We Do; We Got Free Speech How 'Bout You?

2006-07-20T14:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday turned into an energized afternoon at Camp-Pain Deep Pockets when the cross-river rivals, Camp Nussle and Camp Culver, announced the results of their campaign fundraising drive to help energize Iowa. Camp Culver took round two, raising $1,404,729.59 to Camp Nussle’s $450,248.97. Upon hearing the news, Camp Culver exercised its right to free speech by aligning the muddied river bank and began slinging boyhood taunts at their rivals across the river. Camp Nussle held its ground and returned fire. Here’s a transcription of yesterday’s spirited event:

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Culver: We got free speech yes we do; we got free speech, how ‘bout you!?

Camp Nussle: We got the most! We got the most! We got the most! We got the most!...

Jimmy the Hustler: God I love free speech: Priceless.

The Straight Dope: Get the spin from Camp Nussle: "Thousands of Individual Iowans Support Jim Nussle," and Camp Culver: "Culver Announces Fundraising Success". Or you can read the breakdown in the Political Forecast or The Des Moines Register.

Jim Nussle “Non-Proficient” in Political Terminology Component of NCLB Act

2006-07-19T15:15:00.000-05:00

A provision of the No Congressperson Left Behind Act (NCLB) states that Congresspersons are required to reach a level of proficiency with political terminology before they’re allowed to use them in the public arena. This provision has extended to the executive branch and is one of the primary reasons President Bush has yet to utter the word VETO in a public context. Needless to say, Jim failed to meet the 60th percentile cut off and has been placed on a “Watch list” until he reaches an acceptable level of proficiency. Thank God, either on your own or through Gods' messenger President Bush, the NCLB provision only relates to Congress and does not apply to Jim’s run for Iowa’s next Governor.

Part of the political terminology test requires test takers to define political or politically related terms in their own words. One morning, while Jimbo was off dusting his George Bush bobble head collection, I snuck into his study and managed to procure a copy of his test responses. Here’s a mere sampling.

Accountability: A series of bureaucratic hoops and red tape that pertain only to the educational sector of the government. (synonym : standardized testing)

Deficit Spending: Using credit to borrow money as a means of supporting the best interests of the public (e.g. Stealth Bombers, spreading Democracy all over the world, funding tax cuts for the wealthy, importing Cuban cigars) without having to worry about paying the money back while still holding office.

Eminent Domain: This is a euphemism for “Gods’ Kingdom” and gives the chosen ones (e.g. President Bush), under God’s Hierarchy of Needs, the power to exercise control over ALL people who have yet to find God, Christianity, Democracy, and the FOX News Network on their universal remote controls.

Fiscal Responsibility: The name of the Bush family’s private yacht docked at Martha’s Vineyard.

Liberal: An archaic term, on the verge of extinction, used to describe anyone who dares to challenge God’s word and/or authority. Violators of the latter are usually cast down to hell or sent to Guantanamo Bay with no questions asked or any chance of redemption. (synonym: “them”)

Marriage: A word invented by Christians to keep homosexuals from receiving additional tax benefits. (synonym: sin tax)

Veto: You got me. Never heard of it…

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask)

2006-07-17T18:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Jimmy,

I read that Jim supported his Iowa colleague, Republican Steve King’s amendment that would have white-washed federal requirements for multilingual election ballots from the Voting Rights Act. Did Jim support this because he believes in the measure? Or did he support King out of Republican loyalty and/or personal friendship?

Sincerely,
Save the King’s English, Sioux City

Dear Save,

The answer to your questions is D) All of the Above. Jim believes in “English Only” across the board, he’s a Republican loyalist and his friendship, bred out of pity, for Steve King helped solicit Jim’s support for the amendment. In a public statement, Jim said: “English is the language of opportunity in this country and represents a common bond for all Americans.” Off the record, being Republican and the English language may be the only bond the two of these guys share. Although, Jim did feel for King when he stayed up all night working, with the help of his mother, on his Mexican/American border wall model that he proudly displayed on the House floor – only to be derided behind his back by his colleagues and liberal bloggers. When Jim was in 9th grade, he made a model replica of Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre. He devoted an entire weekend to this enterprise, making the structure out of popsicle sticks, only to get a ‘C’ from his English teacher. He lost points for installing an electrical fence separating the upper-crust theater goers in the balcony from the feral, plague-infested groundlings who squealed and rooted on the theater’s floor.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I like collecting political buttons and bumper stickers of losing Democratic candidates. For some reason this makes me feel all “fuzzy” on the inside. Does Jim have any collections or hobbies of interest?

Sincerely,
Bleeding Hearts Will Fall Again, Ankeny

Dear Bleeding Heart,

Jim has the most extensive set of George W. Bush bobble heads on the Hill. He takes great pride in these and has incorporated them into his morning ritual. He dusts off each one before heading to the office. Although this makes Jim all “fuzzy” on the inside, I tend to stay away from the bobble-head room; it can be mentally scarring to walk in when the wind is blowing through the windows.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Dear Jimmy,

I’m curious about the “Iowa Taxpayer Refund Account” Jim’s been touting in recent news. Thanks to an inheritance from grandfather, I’m an independently wealthy Iowan, and I’m concerned that this proposed refund account will dip into some of the tax benefits I already receive from the federal government. I know you’re looking out for my best interests, and I was wondering how this plan will serve them. Can you please help assuage my fears?

Sincerely,
Taxed to Death, Des Moines

Dear Taxed,

No worries. The illusion of the invisible hand will work its magic on the trustworthy voters of Iowa. Trust me, once we’re elected, you’ll always get more than your fair share of the cheddar. The initial working title of this program was penned, “Throw ‘Em a Bone While We Eat the Carcass Tax Relief Program,” but Jim thought this might confuse some of the corporate hog farmers who are lining up to open shop in Iowa once we take over.

Besides, the main reason Jim wants to create this account is to protect himself from spending all the taxpayers’ money. Jim wants to implement a “fail safe” plan to help him resist the temptations of deficit spending. I mean, try putting yourself in Jim’s patent leather shoes for just a moment and imagine having a credit card with no spending limit, never having to pay off the balance, and no worries of impending bankruptcy looming over your head. Who could resist? By appointing a new tax commission, preferably a cadre of off-shore bankers, and making the government even bigger, Jim can protect you by protecting himself.

Your Friend,
Jimmy the Hustler

Is there something you always wanted to know about Jim Nussle but were afraid to ask? Well, now’s your chance. Click e-mail link and send your message or feel free to post it as a comment. Then, be sure to look for Jimmy's response in the next edition of “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Jim Nussle (But Were Afraid to Ask).”

“The Sound of One Pimp Clapping”: Jim Nussle’s Favorite Republican Party Planks

2006-07-14T17:26:00.000-05:00

To pay tribute to the Party Platform adopted by the Iowa Republican Party at this years’ convention, I’ve extracted some of Jimbo’s favorite planks and put them in song format. Ever since his second marriage, Jim’s harbored a closeted affinity for lavish Broadway musicals, so I thought it only fitting to present him with his favorite party planks to the tune of “My Favorite Things” as sung by Maria von Trapp in The Sound of Music. Feel free to sing along:

"These Are My Favorite Planks"

Commandments on walls and paddles on pupils
Teaching abstinence with no hidden scruples
And Intelligent Design to help fill in God’s blanks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Denying marriages and adoptions to homosexual couples
A world without sodomy and cream-filled truffles
Gays denied access to “Heter-Only” sperm banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Illegal immigrants in handcuffs and rounded up like chattel
Concrete walls topped with electric wire designed for cattle
Lily white America and depleted food banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

Packing and concealing weapons for self-defense
Electrocuting criminals for capital offenses
Domestic spying and monitoring on-shore banks
These are a few of my favorite planks

(Chorus)
When the mud slings
When moderates break ranks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite planks
And then I don’t feel so bad

The Straight Dope: Read the Republican Party of Iowa State Platform, the muse of my intelligent design.

Buzz Lightyear Rejects Jim Nussle Comparisons

2006-07-12T12:34:00.000-05:00

In a statement released by his publicist, Buzz Lighyear - animated star of Toy Story, and Toy Story 2 - had the following response regarding recent comparisons of himself to Representative Jim Nussle: “In no way am I similar to Jim Nussle. I am a non-partisan toy, not a politician, and any such comparisons should be considered a dangerous, imaginative leap of faith and threat to intergalactic peace.” Nussle's camp was quick to respond that anything coming out of Hollywood is nothing more than senseless left-wing drivel and shouldn't be taken seriously in the "real world."

I cannot tell you the number of times, beyond infinity at last count, I’ve heard somebody say to Jimbo, “You know Jim, you remind me of Buzz Lightyear.” Personally, I think we resemble Don Vito Corleone in The Godfather, but then again, I may be biased and susceptible to fanciful projections of my own lust for the Don’s power. When Don says to Tom, “Tattaglia’s a pimp. He never coulda outfought Santino. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all alone,” my body shudders with pure joy. The Don’s pimp radar truly is mesmerizing.

In all fairness, I did my research, and much to my surprise I did find some notable comparisons between Buzz Lightyear and Jim Nussle:

Claim to Fame
Buzz: Catch phrase: “To infinity and beyond.”
Jim: Deficit spending policy (also coined “To infinity and beyond.”)

Home Base
Buzz: Alternative Universe, Gamma Quadrant of Sector Four
Jim: Alternative Universe, Washington, D.C.

Weapon of Choice
Buzz: Red laser beam
Jim: Red ink

Personal Accountability
Buzz: Says “Craters” when makes a mistake
Jim: Says “Who’s responsible for this?” or ‘Damn you, Jimmy!” when makes a mistake

Secret Romance Interest
Buzz: Princess Mira Nova
Jim: Ann Coulter

Mission
Buzz: To protect the galaxy from the threat of invasion from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance
Jim: To protect Iowa from the threat of invasion from the Evil Liberals, sworn enemies of the Republican Alliance

Self-Delusion
Buzz: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a toy
Jim: Suffers from the delusion that he is NOT a pimp

Renewable Energy
Buzz: Runs on batteries
Jim: Runs on Benjamin Franklins

Supervisor
Buzz: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, Andy
Jim: Sworn allegience to his Puppet Master, George

Favorite Line
Buzz: “I’m not falling, I’m floating gracefully.”
Jim: “The deficit is not falling, it’s floating gracefully.”

Jim Nussle Placed on NCLB "Watch List"

2006-07-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time before the Bureaucratic Regime caught up to my boy, Jimbo, and his education record. The Federal Accountability Department (F.A.D.) of the Bureaucratic Regime finally got around to opening January’s mail. Addressed to “The Voters of Rep. Jim Nussle,” the envelope contained Jim’s latest grades on his voting record in Congress. If Jimbo had only listened to his inner voice, yours truly, he would have camped out in front of the F.A.D. mail room in hopes of intercepting his report card. He didn’t, and now, thanks to his abysmal grades, Nussle has been placed on the No Congressmen Left Behind “watch list". Oh well, not much we can do it about it now, eh? As the saying on the Budget Committee goes, “That’s the way the budget crumbles”.

Congressman Jim Nussle’s 2005 Report Card

Children’s Defense: F
Civil Rights: F
Education: F
Environment: F
Foreign Aid: C+
Gun Owners: F
Government Reform: F
Middle Class: F
Public Health: F
Seniors/Social Security: F
Veterans (Disabled): F

Jim Nussle fields questions at an elementary school Standardized Test Rally: "Don't worry kids, your scores on these tests will only be used to determine whether or not your school will recieve federal funding, whether or not you'll be promoted to the next grade, and what your report cards aren't telling us."

Folks, don’t let Jim’s .18 GPA discourage you. If Jim would’ve loaded up on his stronger subjects - Budget Deficit Spending, Xenophobia, Heterosexual Marriage Protection, and the Upper Class - his GPA would’ve shot up above the 60th percentile, thus keeping him off the watch list. Because Jim tests well on standardized tests, where the possible answers have already been narrowed down, he’s not too concerned about being “watched”. Besides, Jimbo already indicated he was going to vacate his seat in Congress next year to make a run for D.C.’s next Governor in Iowa.

Pimped Out: Open Letter to Chuck Grassley

2006-07-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

In case you haven’t heard by now, the word on the streets of D.C. (other than it’s more dangerous than the streets of Iraq according to Representative Steve King, The New Master of Horror) is that Senator Charles Grassley, betrothed head of the Senate Finance Committee, is trying to legislate a “pimp tax.” The legislation would require sex traffickers and pimps to file employment forms and withhold taxes for “employees” or face imprisonment for each failure to file. The key provision of this bill is to authorize $2 million toward the establishment of an investigation unit in the already under-funded and under-staffed Internal Revenue Service, which will be responsible for prosecuting violators of the “pimp tax.”Senator Grassley calls Pimps Out in public: "Ain't no more free rides for Pimps. Not in our House!"

Dear Senator Grassley,

I thought we were brothers, Chuck, and now you’re trying to make the game* EVEN harder out there for us pimps. I realize your intention of the “pimp tax” is to go after sex traffickers and giving prosecutors and the courts more teeth when it comes to sentencing these people, but I don’t think you’ve considered all the ramifications of the new tax.

Your bill may open the back door to imprisoning sex traffickers, but the bill is destined to slide down the slippery slope, inevitably cracking open the door to the Campaign Contribution Trade. It’s only a matter of time before IRS investigators begin sniffing us out and turn their attentions to the world of campaign contribution trafficking. Imagine having to pay taxes on all of the untaxed income we pull in every election cycle to help fuel our reelections. Let me help spark your imagination. In your 2004 reelection you raised $7.64 million and spent $7.29 million dollars on the campaign, outspending your opponent Art Small, who spent $131,503. Now Chuck, that’s a difference of just over $7 million. I know for a fact the Johns** don’t feel like they got the best bang for their buck, but somebody obviously got a good bang, eh? Where did you manage to slice off all that untaxed cheddar***?

You’ve obviously got your A-game down when it comes to the hustle, and I would hate to see you lose your edge because of a Congressional Pimp Tax. In the meantime I would like to get in on some of that superfluous cheddar. Come November I will be frictionally unemployed, and I would love to hustle for your next congressional bid. You know where to find me, Brother.

Your Brother,
Jimmy the Hustler

*Hustlin’
**Campaign Contributors who expect a return on their investment
***Untaxed Money

Paying Tribute to Uncle Sam: Pimp Almighty

2006-07-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, while cramming in as many Independence Day celebrations as we could, me and Jimbo took time to reflect upon the true meaning of our independence. We also exercised a moment of silence to pay homage to the Almighty Pimp, Uncle Sam. In the post-9/11 era, thanks to his loyal foot soldiers, the Almighty Uncle Sam has pimped out our soldiers at an unprecedented rate. The Game hasn’t been this happenin’ since the War in the ‘Nam. I would personally like to thank Uncle Sam for preserving our freedoms, in particular my freedom to pimp (although Senator Grassley is trying to thwart these freedoms with his “pimp tax,” but Jimmy will address this issue at a later date).

First, read the following passage and choose the answer that BEST fits:

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Question: This quote can be found:

A) In a poem by Emma Lazarus
B) Inscribed on the base of the Statue of Liberty
C) In a new Army Recruitment brochure
D) All of the Above

If you chose A) or B) I’m guessing you too have benefited from a white-privilege education and should do well under Jimbo’s call for more mandated testing by the state of Iowa. If you choose C) I’m guessing either you were taught to always guess ‘C’ when you didn’t know the answer, or you’re yet another casualty of the public school system and you’ve looked into the military as an option for pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. (Note: bootstraps aren’t part of the Army regulations for suitable attire.)

The correct answer is D) All of the above. The current Democracy Crusades (a.k.a. “The War on Terror”) have taken its toll on military recruitment efforts. In short, the Almighty Pimp is growing desperate, but not to worry, they don’t give the surname Almighty to just anyone. He’s come up with some masterful hustles and, so help me Uncle Sam, his Band of Loyal Foot Soldiers will make sure these policies pan out.

Hustle #1: “The Back Door Draft”: Coined the “stop-loss policy,” this is an involuntary retention of active-duty soldiers to remain in service after they’ve fulfilled their contract with the government (minimum contract is an 8-year commitment): “…the President may suspend any provision of law relating to promotion, retirement, or separation applicable to any member of the armed forces who the President determines is essential to the national security of the United States.” How genius indeed. So by declaring the never-ending war, “The War on Terror,” President Bush has helped secure a state of perpetual terror and our national security will always be threatened. God I love the smell of FEAR in the morning…

Hustle #2: “Taking it to the Streets”: The Amighty’s foot soldiers take their hustle to the inner-city streets in a ploy to prey upon black urban kids. Pimped out in a Hummer, recruiters preach the Almighty’s gospel and try hookin’ unsuspecting teens into bartering their bodies for hip-hop merchandise and bonus money if they sign the dotted line – which inevitably leads to Iraq. (The second wave of this hustle, “Taking it to the ‘Burbs’ was discontinued during its test-market phase when military marketers discovered their target audience had no idea the United States was even engaged in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.)Taking it to the Steets: An Army of One Dead Soulja

Hustle #3: “The Guest Soldier Program”: This program is still in its initial phase and is contingent upon the passage of President Bush’s “Guest ‘Worker’ Program.” This hustle will focus on recruiting Mexican immigrants to “fill the jobs nobody else in the U.S. wants to do,” such as fighting in a perpetual war. The back-up plan, if this program fails to make it through Congress, is to round up illegal immigrants and offer them the choice of going back to Mexico, penniless, or going to fight in Iraq and earn a steady paycheck.

Amen.

The Straight Dope: Learn more about draft reinstatementand and the "Back Door Draft" in a Rolling Stone article by Tim Dickinson, "The Return of the Draft". To find out more about the Army's recruitment tactic of hookin' urban youth, "Taking it to the Streets," read an article found in Salon, "The Army Be Thuggin' It"

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Education): If you, or somebody you know has joined the military and wants out, whether it be the Delayed Entry Program or an honorable discharge, call the GI Rights Hotline: 1-800-394-9544 or go to the G.I. Rights webite. Peace Out.

Money for Nothing: I Want my Net Neu-tral-i-ty...

2006-07-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

Big Brother Jim is watching me. Before you read any further, let it be known that Big Brother Jim may be watching you too. I may be paranoid, but I think Jimbo is suspicious of my subconscious musings on this blog. Proceed with caution as I peel back my layers of paranoia before your very eyes.

Jimbo is trying to silence me by controlling my freedom on this very medium. While still basking in his Republican Primary victory on June 8th, having fended off a number of Write-In candidates, which included a litany of dead people who Republicans thought might be more effective, Jim Nussle’s peeps passed the Communications Opportunity, Promotion and Enhancement Act (COPE). The House failed to include the meaningful “network neutrality” provisions that would safeguard Internet usage from Ma Bell’s bastard children, AT&T and Verizon among others. Pretty sneaky, eh? Jimbo tried to distract me by taking me to Iowa, but he forgot the Internet is still Neutral and I don’t have to go through a gatekeeper – the Bastard Children of Ma Bell – as they patrol the Internet borders and take payoffs for bigger and better access.

Big Brother Jim may have been a no-show at the vote, but my intuition tells me Jimbo is out to silence me which leads to my inaugural Top 5 List:

Jimmy the Hustler’s Top 5 Reasons as to why Jim Nussle wants to silence Me and kill “Net Neutrality”:

5. Help preserve the communications industry’s “Quality of Life” in Iowa

4. Idea came to him while attempting to interpret the underlying motifs of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill, Vol. 1”

3. The truth will set you free

2. Help NSA combat terrorism by imprisoning satiric bloggers in Guantanamo Bay

1. President Bush asked him to…

The Straight Dope: To learn more about "net neutrality," and the latest developments regarding its fate in the Senate, read "Net Neutrality Battle Shifts to Full Senate" in Information Week and "'Net Neutrality' battle may sink sweeping telecommunications bill" in the USA TODAY. Read John Kerry's blog entry, "Stopping the Big Giveaway," on the "It's Our Internet" website. Furthermore you can go to "It's Our Net" and "Save the Internet" for a plethora of information about "net neutrality" and tools to help preserve our Internet Freedom.

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Education): Help protect our freedom on the internet and Save Jimmy the Hustler before it's too late! There's no time to waste before the Senate begins deliberating over this telecommunications bill on the Senate floor. Send a message to your congressperson or go to "Moveon.org," "It's Our Internet," or "Save the Internet" and sign an online petition, donate money, or send a letter through these coalitions. (Click links under "D.A.R.E. to Act.")

jimmy's journal: Bonbons and Flag Burning

2006-06-30T13:53:00.000-05:00

Jimbo and I spent Tuesday glued to C-Span as we watched and prayed the gang on the other side of Corporate Hill would finally pass an amendment that would penalize unpatriotic people for desecrating our nation’s most sacred symbol, the flag. I could sense Jimbo was particular antsy, but no worries, Karen brought us a plate of bonbons and this seemed to passify Jimbo momentarily. That Karen is such a peach. If God ever created a woman who was a worthy exception for violating the sanctity of marriage, it was her. When Karen first stepped into our lives back on the Hill, I knew I wanted her, and I also knew it would be a soft sell on old Jimbo. As usual, I was right.

After inhaling a plateful of pinafores and several inflammatory speeches on the Senate floor, the Flag Desecration Amendment was rejected 66-34. So close, yet so far. I prepared myself for a good cry from the big lug. After his heavy sob session, I knew just the thing to help cheer Jimbo up. I brought out our scrap book, something that always seems to turn his frown upside down.

We began our trip down memory lane in 2003 when Jimbo cosponsored legislation to protect the American flag from desecration, which did pass through the House before failing in the Senate. I was so proud of Jimbo when he proclaimed: “"Our flag epitomizes all that is good, honorable and just about the United States. The flag symbolizes freedom, equal opportunity, religious tolerance and goodwill for other people of the world who share and admire our aspirations."

It was these inspiring words that made me proud to be an American as we embarked on our global trip shortly thereafter. Here are some highlights from our globetrotting expedition.

Upon arriving in Pakistan we were greeted by a Pakastani political entourage who were excited to see us. Jim wanted to meet with our new allies in the global "War on Terror." These gentlmen showed their enthusiasm, and Jim was quite pleased to see their fiery display of gratitude as they payed homage to the U.S. Flag manufacturing industry. Jim made a mental note (which I subsequently shredded) to send a personal letter to these folks in China and Malaysia, thanking them for their efforts and to inform them about the continued progress in the global market.

Our next stop was a Muslim Women Human Rights Peace Rally. Igniting a wake of enthusiasm wherever we went on our trip, Jim's presence could be felt at every stop. These women were no exception as they reached out to Jim and offered their many thanks. Jim was sincerely flattered by their aquiescence to patriarchal rule and made a mental note to make the preservation of women's rights the cornerstone of his gubernatorial bid in 2006. (This was also shredded by yours truly.)

During the trip Jim wanted to get a better sense of Iraqi teens, so we visited an Iraqi high school, and Jim had a chance to observe students during their lunch break. A group of students were playing a spirited game of what appeared to be an Iraqi adaptation of hacky sack, Jim surmised. Jim noted the main difference is that the students set the red, white, and blue hacky sacks afire, thus indicating the end of the game. Jim was pleased with the teenagers' capacity for innovation and quickly realized that American high schools would have to up the ante and set higher standards if they were going to compete with these kids on the global scale.

As predicted, this stroll down memory lane helped Jimbo put his disappointment aside. Jimbo sat there beaming with his dopy grin, and as if on cue, Karen entered the room with another helping of bonbons. God I love Amercia.

Yours Truly,
Jimmy the Hustler

Haiku Version of Jim Nussle’s Plan to Energize Iowa’s Future

2006-06-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

While Jim hits the campaign trail in Iowa, pretending to listen and care about voters and their concerns, my mind is prone to wandering and seeking refuge from the hustle. Often times my mind manages to find a temporary reprieve in the traditional Japanese form of poetry, the Haiku. I’ve composed the following Haiku’s to help illustrate Jim’s Plan to “Energize Iowa’s Future.”

Achieving World Class Education

Pick ‘A’ for vouchers.
Choose ‘B’ to end public schools.
Guess ‘C’ for more tests.

Creating Jobs and Growing Iowa’s Economy

Wait for tax cuts and
Trickle-down economics
To do their magic.

Making Iowa the Renewable Energy Capital of the World

Take over the world
By pushing ethanol fuels
On third-world countries.
(sinister laugh here)

Providing Affordable, Accessible Health Care

Siphon profits from
Medicare Prescription Plan
To insure my Peeps.*

*Peeps is slang for “friends” In this context, Jim’s talking about lobbyists pimping for the health industries.

Restoring the People’s Trust in Iowa Government

Build bureaucracy;
Supersize our government:
Keep the public guessing.

Improving Iowa’s Strong Quality of Life

Promote bigotry
By putting the homo back in
Homogeneous.

Nussle: PBS Childrens' Programming Threatens "Quality of Life"

2006-06-25T17:22:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to help protect the “Quality of Life” in Iowa, my better half, Jim Nussle, intends to vote along party lines in favor of cutting $115 million from PBS and National Public Radio stations. Under the guise of “educational programming,” the childrens’ programs are nothing more than byproducts of the liberal media’s attempt to expose impressionable children to their hidden agenda. When you start peeling back the bark, it’s not too dificult to see that these shows are a gateway to more dangerous liberal ideals such as homosexuality and illegal immigration. Furthermore, these shows pose a threat to our childrens’ security by exposing them to false notions and models of trust which may lead to risky behaviors like reaching out and helping strangers. We no longer live in Biblical times, and in a post-9/11 world it’s imperative that our children are taught to not trust anyone they don’t know - unless thoroughly vetted by their parents.

Exposing the liberal agenda

Bert and Ernie: These two “friends” have been sharing the same basement apartment on Sesame Street since the show’s inception. Albeit they have separate beds, but as was the case in the 1950s, you very well know they push the beds together when the lights go out. How do you think people are born, immaculate conception? Bert and Ernie merely serve as role models for homosexual experimentation have helped lay the groundwork for the recent push for same-sex marriage and have served as an inspiration for the Broadway hit, Avenue Q.

Rosita: This bilingual muppet emigrated from Mexico in 1993 and made her home on Sesame Street. Rosita (pictured with Elmo and Senator Jeff Roberts, a Republican from Alabama whose proposal to build a wall on the Mexican border will help keep Rosita's family from emigrating to the U.S. and threatening our national security) has yet to produce legal documentation regarding citizenship. This sends children the mixed message that it’s okay to break the law and enter our country illegally. Worse, Rosita has yet to assimilate to Iowa’s English Only Law and encourages children to do the same by openly teaching them Spanish on Sesame Street via “Spanish Word of the Day.” Rosita, whose full name is Rosita, La Mostrau de las Cuevas (“Monster of the Cave”), helps promote the gay agenda. Unbeknownst to many viewers, Rosita is a “fruit bat” – a clear indication of her homosexual tendencies - while her name symbolizes a closeted homosexual (the monster = homosexuality; the cave = the closet). I'm on to you Rosita; it's time to fly back to your bat cave before Gotham City gets wind of your bilingual ways (sinister laugh here).

Reading Rainbow: One doesn’t have to look too far to realize the liberal agenda undermining this show, which supposedly promotes learning through reading. The Reading Rainbow logo is less subtle in it’s perpetuation of the gay agenda. By adopting the gay community's rainbow flag, a symbol for diversity in the gay community and gay pride, it’s clear the show is attempting to expose children to gay lifestyles through logo branding. It's no coincidence Reading Rainbow dropped the tag line on its logo in 2005, "Open Books - Open Minds." We're well aware that reading books is a gateway to homosexuality; that's precisely why our President doesn't read, not because he can't but because he chooses not to.

Tinky Winky: Exposed by Jerry Falwell in 1997, Tinky Winky the Teletubby is an obvious gay role model. Don’t let Tinky’s “magic bag” and triangle antenna fool you. There’s no magic in homosexuality, and the triangular (another sign stolen by the gay community) antenna is a makeshift “gaydar” as it attempts to lure young, unsuspecting viewers into the immoral world of homosexuality. Tinky’s defenders claim he’s not heterosexual, but rather a metrosexual (male trait associated with having a strong aesthetic sense and spending a great amount of time and money on appearance and lifestyle). Give me a break, Tinky’s no more metrosexual than the young, sharp-dressed male Republican interns in D.C. are homosexuals. You don’t see any of them parading around D.C. with hot-red handbags.

Barney: This so-called Purple Dinasour of perpetual love threatens our children’s security by teaching them to befriend strangers. In one episode of Barney and Friends, Barney said, “A stranger is a friend you have not met yet…” This only teaches our children to let down their guard and makes them more susceptible to predators and potential pedophiles. In the age of Internet Predators we need to teach our children not to trust strangers, especially if they’re disguised as Purple Dinasours, or worse, Donkeys wearing red, white, and blue hats who try to peddle their liberal wares.

Get the Straight Dope: To learn more about the proposed budget cuts, read Rekha Basu's insightful column "Time to rally for public-broadcasting funds, again" in the Des Moines Register. Another recommended read can be found in the Boston Globe. Read statements of Public Broadcasters on PBS News.

D.A.R.E. (Democracy Abuse Resistance Program) to Act: Go to moveon.org and sign an online petition appealing to your congresspersons to save PBS and NPR from funding cuts. Time is running out so D.A.R.E. to act now. Forward this post to anyone you know who might be willing to take action.